The Blessing of a Gift

I received the best present I have ever gotten this Christmas. It was the first gift I opened Christmas morning and it brought tears to my eyes and I was totally engrossed in it, to the exclusion of all else. The pictures I just developed showed me that I missed my son opening some of his presents because I was so wrapped up in mine.

My daughter made me a book called "Notes from Mrs. ______ Class". It is a journal and inside she decorated it like a scrapbook with all kinds of quotes about teaching and cute little teacher related stickers. It is also purple, which is my favorite color. As I was flipping through all of the pages, looking at the cute cartoons, quotes, and stickers she included, I got to a page that said, "Past Student Commentary". She found some of my past students and wrote personal messages to me from them. I cried like a baby. I couldn't believe some of the students she found and what they wrote to me. It showed me that even though I don't always feel like I am making a difference, I really am. And not always where I expected to.

I can't believe she put so much thought and effort into creating this book of memories for me. It is truly a blessing I will keep forever and add to as the years pass. She is truly a blessing to me and I am so glad that God gifted me with the privilege of being her mother. I love her like no other and I am proud that I had a small part in her being the woman she is today. A woman of love, compassion, inner strength and beauty. I love you Itty Bitty.

Great Joy

I love Christmas. I was thinking aloud the other day with my husband about why I love Christmas so much. It was not a great thing when I was little. There were no family traditions to carry on, no Christmas story, no joy. I guess when I grew up and figured out what Christmas was about - true giving, it just struck something in me and I have created my own family traditions. I love the joy of the season. I love searching for the "perfect" gift to bring a smile to someones face. I love the baking. I love the get-togethers. I love how even people that may be not so nice the rest of the year are usually nice at Christmas. And I love that Jesus came to earth in the form of a human to save me. I know that Christmas is not really when Jesus came to earth. I know that non-Christians love to point that out as another inconsistency in their seemingly endless list of reasons why being a Christian is not for them. But it has nothing to do with the actual day and everything to do with the actual events. And I am sorry if people will not see that, or hear the words, or accept Jesus whose name, Yeshua in Hebrew, means Salvation.

For some reason this year, the Christmas story struck me anew. In Luke 2:10, the angel says to the shepherds "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people." Jesus did not come as salvation only for the Jewish people. He came for all people. When I heard those words from my pastor this weekend, I got chill bumps, as I realized the plan from the beginning was for all people. It wasn't changed when his own people would not accept him. God wanted all of us to know Him, wanted all of us to have fellowship with Him, wanted all of us to experience Jesus as the Salvation of our own personal lives. That is absolutely amazing to me. So thank you Jesus for being Salvation and for loving me and for sharing yourself with our world.

Where Was God?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my past life and why, after all of the abuse, I even believe in God. Many people don’t understand my faith and it is hard for me to explain why I know that I know God is real and He is in my life. Last night when I trying to go to sleep, this came to me.

Where Was God?

You may ask, “Why do you believe?” Where was God in the abuse? I will tell you where God was.

A principal that tried to find out where the anger came from. A man that would talk to me and not call home when I fought at school. Did he know it would make it worse? How did he know there were lies coming out of my mouth? “Everything is fine. I don’t know why I fight.” A glimmer of compassion that I was afraid to trust.

Another new school, the third in as many years. A teacher trying to connect me to something, giving me the responsibility of crossing duty for the little ones. A teacher that showed herself to be trustworthy. A teacher I turned to when being sent to stay with my abuser after the horror of the telling. A teacher I turned to when the betrayal and the overwhelming fright got too much. A teacher that told.

The CPS workers that were diligent. When I slammed the door in their face and would not let them in, they found me in a public place the next day. The friend’s father that said I should go with them. The words they had for me, “Your teacher is really scared for you and she wants you to go to the safe place with us.”

The policeman that helped me tell a little bit of my story. He held my hand. He understood my mother. He told me he wanted to take me home to live with him because I deserved to be loved. He told me I was beautiful inside. He bought me a teddy bear and a strawberry shake. He gave me compassion at court where there was none. He saw the reality and he truly understood.

A judge that broke down my resolve to lie once again, to cover the horror and make it all go away. A judge that showed compassion to a frightened little girl.

The widow woman next door. The widow woman who knew Christ as her Lord and Savior. The woman my mother chose to baby-sit me after a court-order. The woman who took me to church day camp where I heard the news about a Father that truly loved me. Why didn’t my mother choose the other next-door neighbor or the neighbor across the street? Why did the woman say yes? Was it God speaking to her in a still small voice, telling her a child of His needed to see Jesus with skin on?

What about the friend I met the first day of church day camp? Our lives were worlds apart, yet she sought me out. What about her parents? They welcomed me into their home with open arms. They shared family meals, bible study, and most importantly, unconditional love. Why did they share their family with me? What caused them to open their hearts and their home? Why did they take me on family vacations? Why did they share their love with me? Why did they try to include my mother? Why did they forgive me my mistakes? In the chaos of my early teen years, they were always there.

What about the words that were planted by my youth pastor? He had no idea of the depth of my abuse, but he gave me words of comfort that stay with me to this day. “You have a Father that loves you.” “It wasn’t your fault; God did not want this for you.” “You will go through the fire and come out smelling like a rose.” “Your faith is not a feeling, it is a fact. God always loves you. It has nothing to do with how He feels. His love is a fact.” Where did he get those words? How did he know the right things to say to a broken child?

Church became my refuge in a crazy world. And then that was taken away. I was forbidden to go. Sometimes I would sneak out to go to church and then wonder about obeying my mother. With love and encouragement, I was directed to obey my mother, but keep God first and He would make a way. Eventually, I was allowed to go to church on occasion. Whether it was born of a selfish desire to get me out of the house or an inner prompting mattered not. I could soak up goodness for a short hour once in a while.

Then the darkness came. It totally engulfed my life. I saw no hope, no reason to carry on. There was no planned out idea of suicide, only the need to stop the pain. A friend, an alley, a piece of broken glass, blood… a struggle to get the glass away. A cop car cruised by where none usually did. Taken away in a police car, drowning in pain to deep to hold. A compassionate police man, holding my hand, waiting for the doctor. A compassionate doctor telling me it would be okay, they would help. My mother screaming at me, screaming at the doctor that I just wanted attention. A doctor standing his ground and telling her I needed help. The silent ride home. The hours-long drive to the hospital with the yelling over how selfish I was. The ability to resist the temptation to say I was sorry. The knowing I needed help. The in-take doctor telling her I needed to be there. The kindness of strangers on the darkest day, the day the pain from the past and the pain from my everyday collided through my defenses with a vengeance.

The day I heard about church camp. Could I go – not in a million years will she let me. The encouragement from the youth pastor to ask anyway. There was a scholarship, it wouldn’t cost anything. The courage to approach her with the request. Not believing -she granted the desire. The fear that it would be taken away. The weeks passing with no change of mind. The freedom, the learning, the love – the saving me experience of that week at camp. Hearing the words that have stayed with me all these years. “Why did this happen to me?” “Why not you? It rains on the good and the evil. What matters is what you do with it? Will you drown, or will you take it and help someone else?” The acceptance that I could do something more, that I was not bound by my past.

The phone call home telling of finding God and the sorrow for the things I had done wrong. I wanted to live differently but didn’t think I could there. Could I move? There was a person at camp that said I could stay with them for awhile, until I was stronger? The wonder of going home and finding out my mother planned a move to a small town where I could start over again.

The friend in the new place that took me to her church. The sermon on dreams. The calling on my life to help other girls - girls like me. The knowing it was a God given dream because it never wavered.

The friend from the past that saved me from a new hell. The man that rescued me from my father when I was sent back. The man that showed me what love should look like between a man and a woman. The man that loved God and respected me enough to say no when I asked for love the only way I knew. The love that gave me hope in later years, in dark days.

The family that took me on vacation for an entire summer. A summer of love, seeing new things, and finding the true meaning of family and forgiveness. A summer where I tried to show I was unworthy of such love, but they loved in spite of me. They looked beyond.

The ability to stop the cycle of abuse. The strength to walk away when it got too much. The knowing that it was not my strength that kept me from repeating the mistakes. The knowing that God would be there when I had nothing left.

So where was God in my life? He was in the principal, the teacher, the neighbor, the friends, the youth pastor, the police, the doctors, the moves, the strength I found, my heart that sought to understand…

He saved me in a ways that I know, and ways that I do not yet understand. I know that I know that God is real and He loves me enough to put all of those lives into my life. He is there in the mess and cares about the details. I love Him because He first loved me, and He showed me that love through His people.

© krt / 12-5-07

New Creation

For the past several weeks, I have been working on and thinking about what my life would look like if I moved away from the identity of an abused child. Here are my musings.

New Creation

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I am a new person - clean, innocent, loved, full of promise, created for a reason.
The old has gone – but not the knowledge of what I have come from.

Put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
I am a new self – restored, revived, regenerated
I seek to grow and learn; I gain wisdom and knowledge which I can turn to later.

Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness
I am created – thought about, planned for, worthy of love.
In abba father’s image, righteous, holy, blameless – making progress.

For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.
I am born again – not of sin, but through loving sacrifice.
The new birth is clean and pure, through the grace of the eternal God.

Buried with him through baptism into death, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
I have a new life – the abused child was washed clean and given newness.
Like a butterfly on its first flight, I soar towards a new, beautiful life.

How will a new self feel?
I will be secure
I will feel safe
I will know I am saved

How will a new self think?
I will be caring
I will think compassionate thoughts toward others & myself
I will use my creativity

How will a new self look?
I will be peaceful
I will react with patience
I will live out my purpose

How will a new self sound?
I will be hopeful
I will sound happy
I will see the humor in my life

How will a new life be lived?
I will walk in freedom
I will live by faith
I will follow where God leads


© krt / 12-2-07

One Less Thing...

In the midst of working on the forgiveness part of my abuse, the new memory came to the surface. I was sitting at dinner with my husband and son, and a picture of what had happened just hit me. I felt like, "Wow - this sucks, I am just eating dinner with my family and this has to happen right now?" The picture in my head pretty much rattled me and when my husband noticed something was wrong he asked if I was okay. I told him I had a memory and I obviously couldn't talk about it right then. When we got home I called my counselor and told her that the memory came. I asked her to pray for me, that I would have strength to face the new memory. I had class, so I packed up my books and headed off. All the way there, all I could think about was how young I really was and how much the new information sucked and how much more would there be. Would I ever be done with the memories? After class, I spoke with the instructor for awhile about what was going on. She offered me the hope that I just needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and that the memories would eventually stop, just as the abuse had. There is a finite number of memories.

That night, as I was trying to sleep, I was crying over the loss I felt. The new memory showed me that the abuse started even earlier than I knew. The picture I had was when I was still in a crib. Knowing my family, I was probably still sleeping in a crib at an older age than many children do, but it was still really young. Probably two or three. As I was crying, another picture came to me that was worse than the one I had at dinner. My heart broke for the little girl lying in the crib. The little girl that had no safety or protection or love. The little girl that knew nothing other than abuse from her very earliest memories. No wonder why I identify myself with the statement, I am abuse. I knew nothing else.

The next day at work was super hard, as I didn't get any sleep and I had these pictures floating around inside my head. I probably should have called off and just given myself time to grieve, and to be sick over what I learned. Although the memory was horrific, it didn't send me into a spin. I just spent a lot of time in prayer and trying to find out what God wanted me to do with this new memory. I think realizing that was where my identification came from was huge. Now that my head is wrapped around that, I think that I will be able to change those old tapes and start identifying myself as the person God created me to be.

At my counseling session, we talked about the new memory and how I felt like it tied so much of my self concept to the reality of what I experienced. It allowed me to show grace toward myself. When I talked about how scary it was to not know how much more there would be to remember, my counselor said to me, "It is not one more thing to deal with, it is one less thing." Wow! That is so true. There is one less thing to haunt my dreams, one less thing to have body memories over, one less thing I don't know about. That was a really freeing statement for me. I am on the path toward healing and freedom from the abuse and now I have one less thing to deal with. I believe that God gave her those words for me. He knew what I needed to hear. Since I am a task oriented person, and at times the list can be overwhelming, God knew that one less thing on my list was what I needed to internalize. So thank you God that I now have one less thing...

The Road to Forgiving

Forgiveness is such a hard term to understand, to wrap our heads around. At least for me. If someone hurts my feelings, then just tell them, I forgive you. But for the big things in my life, not so easy...

It seems that everything around me lately has had to do with forgiveness. My class, the teachings at church, even my online devotional this morning. Funny how it works that way, huh? About a month ago, God showed me that the reason my bitterness, anger, hurt, pain - all of the yucky stuff - keeps coming back about my father is because I offered him blanket forgiveness. I would say to God, I forgive my dad for abusing me. That is not enough. I need to be specific. Ouch. That was right in the middle of feeling like new memories were coming. All of the sermons and things about forgiveness have just reinforced that is what I need to do. So I made an appointment with my counselor to talk about the new memories and since I didn't have anything concrete yet, just body memories, I decided it would be good to have someone walk me through the forgiveness process. The first thing I did was to make a four-page list of all of the things I needed to forgive him for. The list was very specific and it was HARD to write all that stuff down. I tried to write down things that affected me then, like he stole my childhood, to things that affect me now, like it is hard for me to have relationships. I am sure there is more that will go on that list, but it is pretty overwhelming already. I had been praying about the list and about forgiving my father for the specifics. When I got into my counseling session, I read my list to her. Just reading the things made me cry with the enormity of what he did to me. My mother's unintentional complicity in the whole thing is wrapped up in there somewhere as well, but that is way to much to deal with right now. Anyway, after I read the list, she asked me which one I wanted to work on today. I felt God telling me all week it had to be the tree house. As I looked at that particular item on my list, I seized up. I looked at her and said, I can't do this. I think that surprised me. I was full on intending to forgive my father. I know it is not how I feel, but an act of obedience to what I know is right.

She asked me what was stopping me, what was getting in the way. We talked for a few minutes and then I uttered words I had never given voice to, I am abuse. Wow, where did that come from? Both of us sat back in our chairs and took a breath. That was a huge statement and I think we both realized the impact of it as soon as I said it.

The question I have been wrestling with since then is who am I inside, inside where God fearfully and wonderfully created me? Since the abuse started so early in my life, and my whole identity was formed in that environment, is there someone inside of me that is longing to come out, but does not know how? Or will I be the same me, with the same empathy for people, the same curiosity about life, the same insatiable desire to learn? Will I still be me? Who is in there, underneath the abuse? I know it may sound crazy, but my whole life has been spent hiding from the effects of the abuse and not letting people see the real me. Now that I have started to show myself honestly to some people, and they don't run in horror, it may be easier to find that person inside. Sometimes, I feel very young and vulnerable. Other times, I feel confident enough to face the day. I wonder if that little child got stuck and when in unfamiliar situations she comes out? I wonder if I will like who is deep inside, the person who is not identified by abuse? It is a scary thing to me. I do know that it was a huge breakthrough and even though it sucks right now, the other side will be better. I know that I will find freedom from my demons. I don't know what freedom will look like, taste like, smell like, sound like, or feel like... but I know that is what God wants for me and I know it will be better than living in unforgiveness.

So for now, I deal with the fact that I identify myself as abuse instead of the child God created for a purpose. I work on the unforgiveness I hold on to. I trust God to help me find myself, the self He created. And I reach out to those that have chosen to walk the road with me when I am drowning and I need help.

Home at last

I got home from Philadelphia late Saturday night. I slept until 9 on Sunday, which is very late for me. I even took a short nap later in the day. I am still exhausted! Leaving your normal routine is hard. It is fun for a vacation - when you are going with family or friends to see new things - but when going by oneself - well it is difficult, at least for me. I don't know how people travel all the time for work. That certainly would not be a job I would enjoy.

Anyway, I am glad I went. I attended the Journalism Education Association conference and I learned so much. I went to classes all morning on Friday, then took the afternoon off and walked around the historic area. I got to see the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall - although they were out of tickets and I couldn't see inside, and the National Constitution Center. I am really glad I sucked up my fear of doing things alone and went to see all those things. I don't know if I will ever get back, so it was a great opportunity. The National Constitution Center was awesome. The presentation brought tears to my eyes and once again made me glad to be an American and to live in this awesome country. On Friday night, I helped to judge the write off contest. I was specifically judging yearbook theme pages. It was really fun and I learned so much. On Saturday, I went to more classes and then a luncheon, where I received my Certified Journalism Educator Certificate and pin. That was awesome. It was cool to be recognized for all of my hard work over the last 3 1/2 years. Then it was off to the airport to head home.

All in all, it was a good trip and I am very glad I got the opportunity to go. Now I have to plan for the Spring convention in Anaheim - but this time with kids. I am thinking about teaching a class while there. I think it would be fun. And I am definitely going to put my kids into the write-off contest now that I know what it is all about. I will be going over the things I learned for the next several weeks and incorporating them into my classes. Sometimes I think the kids hate when I go to convention because they like the status quo. But I like mixing it up.

On another note, yesterday was a my first really stressful day at work this year. Seeing as it is already the middle of November, that was pretty good. It is all because I have been giving every day to God. I don't work for my district anymore. I work for God, and to quote Frost, that has made all the difference.

Traveling

Wow, it has been awhile since I have written. It has been a crazy few weeks. My husband was out of town, then last week, I was out of town, and I am going to be leaving again on Thursday. I will be glad to be home for good and not have to travel anymore for awhile.

I had the opportunity to go to Bellevue, WA for an Adobe CS3 training. We covered four programs in three days! It was a lot of information and I am still unpacking everything I learned. I got some really good tips for my classroom and I am exited by some of the new features and shortcuts available with the new Suite. Anything that makes my job easier is definitely appreciated. I am going to Philadelphia this week to receive a certification I earned at the end of last year. I am glad my boss is letting me go to pick it up in person because it tells me he recognizes how hard I worked for this certification and that it is important.

I like to travel, see new places, experience different environments. I just don't like to fly. It is all about the lack of control, basically from the moment you walk in the airport. First you have to get half undressed to get through security. Sometimes it is quick, other times you worry you will miss your plane. Once on the plane, you have no say of who sits by you, or more importantly, who is flying the darn thing! I used to love to fly when I was young, but the older I get, the more nervous it makes me. I was pretty scared to go to WA because it was the first time since I was a teen that I would be flying all by myself, getting to my hotel, and being completely on my own for four days. The plane was a prop plane which kind of freaked me out. I started to get really freaked out once the engine started - one at a time... I prayed and asked for peace. God answered my prayer immediately. I felt a calmness come over me that stayed with me for the rest of the trip, even through the turbulence due to stormy skies. So I was prepared for a peaceful ride home. I had my book ready. I had my Zune all charged up. (By the way, we just bought the Zune and I LOVE it! It is really user friendly and has tons of room for music.) The waiting area was really crowded and I knew it would be a full flight. I had a seat to myself on the way there. Well, I got settled in my seat and this man is walking down the aisle. I was thinking, Oh no, please not here. Sure enough, he is right next to me. He really needed to buy two seats. Now this is a small plane. The seats are small and close together. I am by the window, trying to make myself smaller as he is shoving himself into the seat next to me. He asks the stewardess for a seat belt extender. Don't you think if you need a seat belt extender that you need to buy two seats? I look around and see if there are any free seats anywhere. Not a one. So he finally gets settled and I squish over to the side. Every time I get a fraction of an inch between my leg and his, his flab squishes over into my seat. I was miserable. I felt like I suffocating. I wanted to scream. His huge body cramming into my little space brought back feelings from my past. I just tried to listen to my music and tune him out as best I could. It is really hard to tune out someone touching you though. When I got off the plane I just let my husband hold me for awhile. I really wanted to cry, I was so stressed by the situation. After I got a little distance, as in a few days away from the situation, I wondered if I could have been different. I judged him straight off the bat, I was disgusted and then overwhelmed by his physical presence, I just tried to curl up inside of myself and get as far away from him as I could. Not very Christ like was it? But in the moment, it seemed to be all I could do. I also feel like he could have scooted more to his side. I think he either didn't care, or he did it purposely. Yuck.

Anyway, I hope for a better flight on Thursday - one where I am not squished in my seat by some fat man that has no manners. I know some people use plane flights as a way to witness to whomever sits next to them. I just hope I am calm and don't have to sit next to anyone creepy. Sometimes I think I have a long way to go. I need to remember that it about the journey, not the destination. I have come a long way to be able to travel on a plane to a strange city by myself. Well, not by myself really, since I am never alone. So, I will take the next trip one step at a time and hope for the best.

Transformation

As I unpacked chapter 5 in How People Grow this week, a lot of stuff I didn't even know I still had inside of me came to the surface. My emotions are very raw right now as I have been dealing with new memories. So to figure out where my lack of trust comes into play was just one more thing added to the mix. I don't know what to do with the stuff I am dealing with now, let alone adding something else on top of it all. I figured out that I have not given a certain situation over to God, nor do I fully grasp where he was in certain situations. Wrestling with God over doubts is so hard. I end up with peace, but I don't always have the questions answered. It would be nice if God gave it to me in a nice little package. Here is your question - here is the answer. It would be nice if it all made sense. It would be nice if I weren't stumbling around in the darkness. It would be nice to not feel this pain. But we don't live in a nice world. We live in a world infected by sin where the devil wanders around seeking whom he may devour. He wants to keep me in a state of emotional distress. He wants me to dwell on the unanswerable questions. He wants to mess with my faith. So even though I don't have all the answers, and I know I won't this side of heaven, I will continue to walk.

Transformation comes through pain. Precious gemstones become that way through the unbearable pressure of the the earth pushing them and forming them into something else. Precious metal becomes that way by burning out the impurities in the roaring hot fire. My heart is changed - transformed - through suffering. I have two choices. Trust in God and grow through the pain. Or turn my back on God and his ways and be stuck in my pain. I don't like the growth process one bit. I wish it was easier, but I know the result will be worth the journey. I know that my walk with God, my journey through the muck of my life will be used to help someone else find their way.

Walking the Precipice

Edges, falling, darkness, the unknown... That is how I am feeling right now. I am walking on the edge of an abyss - an abyss of the unknown and of fear. But I keep scooting away, trying not to fall in, trying to hold on to the edge. I hate this feeling. At work, I have to keep on my happy face. Sometimes though, I go into the bathroom and let the tears fall in silence. No one at work sees my pain. Do I share my vulnerability with a few? But then they may think I am unbalanced. Sigh. I hate PTSD. When I am under stress from the outside, the demons on the inside rear their ugly heads. The nightmares come and they not only invade my bed, they invade the day. I feel as if I give in I will fall and never recover. I KNOW that is not true. I KNOW God is with me in the darkest valley. But still I fear knowing more of that which was lost so long ago. I know that once I come out on the other side it will be better. But in the middle, well it just sucks. I just pray that the new memory does not come when Lance is away, or when I am away on my business trips. I pray that I will lean on God and not isolate myself. I pray that I can grow through this. I pray to get through one more day with my students. And I pray for my healer to touch me, wrap his arms around me, and walk me through the valley I must go through.

Looking in the Mirror

Last week in my class we talked about mirrors. In essence, we are holding up a mirror for others to see themselves in. Not the self they glance at in the mirror at home. Not the self that they present to others in their everyday lives, but their real self. In all of its ugliness and in complete truth.

We did an exercise where we had to put in ugly and crooked fake teeth and look at ourselves. Everyone was giggling at how dumb we looked, but underneath it all was a seriousness. I had a hard time looking at myself like that - not because of the teeth, but because of - well, just me, raw before myself. I don't often look in the mirror. Let me clarify. I look in the mirror every day when I brush my teeth, comb my hair, put on my mascara. But I don't look at myself. I don't delve too deeply. For so many years I wore a mask. When I first started my healing journey, I didn't know who the real me was. I spent so many years trying to be someone else. Someone that was not damaged goods - that I had no idea who was really underneath it all. It scared me to death. What if my husband didn't like who I was underneath it all? What if I didn't like myself? What really happened was that I was who I always was, but I just let more of myself be known. I stopped hiding every emotion, fear, etc. I still hide a lot, but not as much as I used to. We had a lunch at work yesterday and instead of getting my food and going back to my room, I sat with the other teachers. I didn't talk. I just listened. (And to be quite honest, judged.) But it was a step toward transparency.

So back to the mirror I will be holding up for someone else. It is scary because it wasn't so long ago someone was holding up a mirror for me to look into. She challenged me to come out and tell the truth of what I was feeling. When she would see the wall go up, she would tell me don't you dare put up that wall, this is a safe place, tell me what is going on. I had to face the ugliness. If I didn't, nothing would ever change. The ugliness would be there, to rear its ugly head in the most inconvenient times, no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was so hard - and sometimes it is still so hard to live my life in truth instead of hiding all the time. But it is freeing. I just think back to when I was a teenager, struggling with my abuse. If there had been someone to hold a mirror up then, well maybe things would have gone a different way. I would like to be that someone for a teenage girl like me. I would like to be that mirror that says even in all of the ugliness inside, you are beautiful. God created you just as you are and you are beautiful inside and out. I would be honored if God would allow me to use my pain to help a struggling girl like me.

Here is a poem I wrote when I was looking back at my teenage self, trying to figure it all out.

face in the mirror

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
the windows of the soul
is this really me

where is the smile
why are the eyes so black
the face so sad
look closer for awhile

the girl has a fragmented soul
the child within
cries for that which was lost
the never ending abuse
has taken its toll

what lies within the heart
the picture cannot hide
a mask worn
the lie falls apart

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
they cry out in pain
will somebody help me?

krt - 11/05

Out of the Boat and Into the Water

Last night I taught on fear at church. It was such an appropriate topic. The topic was picked months ago - before some major things happened at church and before some major things happened in my own life. Isn't it funny how God works that way? So, as I was teaching, I was also teaching myself. My main passage was Matthew 14:23-33. I tied a lot of my ideas into the things I learned in the book If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat. I am taking a step of faith and moving toward what Jesus wants me to do. Sometimes I am scared and sometimes I have perfect peace about it.

I don't know what the next few years will hold as I move towards licensure in counseling. I do know that it won't be easy, but it will be exciting to learn new things. I do know that God will continue to give me people to help. I am constantly amazed at the hurts my students hold. I am truly honored and inspired that they choose to share their stuff with me. I want to be able to help them better and through the learning I will be doing, I think that is possible. I don't know what my job description will look like down the line. I do know that as long as I am working for Jesus, it doesn't matter where I am. (That was a hard lesson learned.)

So last night was bittersweet in so many ways. I will miss my STEP family very much. I know I will see most of them at church on a regular basis. And thank goodness for email. I do hope to go back to STEP; it is in my heart to serve in that area. The coolest thing was that I was so supported by my friends. They all affirmed what God has been telling me and although they were sad I was leaving, they were also sure I was doing the right thing. This morning, I got an email from the college I am interested in. I hadn't heard anything from them yet and I sent off for information a few weeks ago. To me, that was a God thing. It reaffirms my decision. Although I have fears about some of the stuff involved with going back to school, I will take my own advice by taking a step out of the boat and moving toward Jesus. I will spend this weekend getting my application and financial aid paperwork ready. Hopefully, I can start classes in the Spring. I will keep you updated.

God as the source, me as dependant

I just read ch 3 of How People Grow and there was some really good stuff in there. (I am reading this book for a class on biblical counseling I am taking, so we have assigned chapters to read every week.) The chapter was basically about putting God into the big picture, as well as the small stuff.

I'm going to generalize here for a minute. As Christians, we so often put God only in the big picture stuff. We say okay God, you can deal with this and that, but I will take care of everything else. We need to depend on God for it all. But what exactly does that mean. When I was little, my mother always had derogatory words to say about a lady she knew. The lady depended on God for everything, including fixing her washer. It sticks in my head because my mother was so mean about the lady and said things like, "How stupid is it to think that God will fix your washer." She said it with total contempt and venom in her voice. I think some of my attitude comes from that. Will God fix the washer? He may send someone to fix it. But he may also expect us to use our brains and call a washer repair person. I know my mother's attitude was wrong, but where is the line? When it comes to the small stuff, how much do we depend on God? How much do we take care of things ourselves? I am not sure where the balance is.

To get personal, I have learned that I can depend on God, but I don't depend on him for everything. I am slowly giving over areas of my life to God, but more often than not, I take something back that I have decided to let him handle. I think the hardest thing for me to give up to his power will be my relationships. It is scary to trust God with that and open myself up to total vulnerability in my relationships and to God. But I will be taking one step at a time. God has convicted me of some big things in this area and I need to follow that conviction. I need to give over my trust issues in this area to God. Experience tells me it will be more than I could have imagined. Life and my childhood tells me to hold back. But holding back means staying stuck and not knowing what God can really do with my relationships if I let him. Therefore, with small steps, and trust in what I know of God, I will move forward.

Thankful for sleep

Last night I actually slept, and not fitfully, but deeply. So to whoever out there that is praying for me during this time, thank you! I really needed to be refreshed in body.

I was talking with my husband about how I feel right now. When the memories come, I have to relive all of the pain and emotion that went along with the memory. It is beyond yucky and, in myself, I do not want to go there. Who in their right mind willingly goes into pain? But through the pain comes growth. Through the refiners fire comes purified gold. Through the ashes comes beauty. Knowing this and living it are two different things though.

The way that my memories usually work is that I am in a completely relaxed state, like waking up in the middle of the night. Then I have a flashback. It is like a movie playing in my head. First, I just get a glimpse. It used to be I would just live in terror because I couldn't understand what was scaring me so badly. But now that I recognize what is happening, I usually get a glimpse of something that happened. I have to open myself up to what will come or I will get myself into a state of fear over the unknown. After a time period, the entire memory comes through a flashback. I see a movie of myself and whatever was happening. Except I am not an observer. I am the participant. It is strange because I am watching the scene, yet in the scene at the same time. Anyway, last year, after some really hard work on some of my worst memories, a recurring nightmare/flashback I was having went away. I dealt with it and now it is gone. The night before last, I woke up screaming. It has been a long time since that happened. It scared the heck out of my husband because he was sound asleep. I got a picture in my head of a place, but not much else. Although I was scared, I just tried to be open to the memory. I asked God to show me what I needed to know and to give me the strength to get through it. I know that he will. One of the things that happens when the memories return is that parts of my body that were effected - well, they experience whatever was happening at the time, for lack of a better description. For example, I feel like I am being choked, or something is stuck in my throat and I throw up. Before my big memory came last year, I threw up in the shower every day for months. Once the memory came, I realized why I was having that reaction. Like the glimpses, I have learned to understand the body memories. That doesn't mean I like them. To ache, or hurt, in a certain part of my body that has no physical reason whatsoever to hurt, is really disconcerting. I am hoping that I get through this memory soon, so I can just move on with my life. I do not like being stuck in the muck of my past. I would like to get past the gunk and move forward with God's grace.

I think that since I slept so well last night, I will be able to move forward more easily. At least I won't be in the cycle of sleep deprivation that usually accompanies these learning portions of my life. Time to face my day with the knowledge that even here, God is with me.

Walking Through the Valley

Once again, I find myself walking through the valley of fear, loss of trust, and pain. It is ironic because I will be teaching on fear next week. Strange how God works that out isn't it? Anyway, although I fear knowing the new memory, I know that once I get through the other side, it will be better. No matter how bad the memory is - and I am prepared for it to be bad, the ones that have surfaced after so many years always are - the unknown is worse. I used to lay in my bed in total and paralyzing fear after a nightmare or a glimpse of the past. Now, I get the glimpse, and although I am fearful, I pray and ask Jesus to help me through. I ask Him to help me know what it is I need to know. And most importantly, I ask Him to walk beside me through the valley. Even though I do not know the details of what the next few days/weeks will bring, I do know that Jesus will be there beside me as I delve into the muck of my past.

Last night at church, I shared with my group some of what I have been going through this week. I couldn't believe I shared, I am usually super private about personal pain. I think God is preparing me to be open about the abuse. How else will I be able to get my book published? But it was super hard. I was crying and trying not to just lose it. I was really on the verge of just totally breaking down, but I really felt like I needed to keep some control. Was that me and my control issues, or was that God saying, "It's okay to share just a part?" Anyway, I was crying and shaking so badly I could hardly talk. I hate when my memories, and talking about my memories, effects me that way. It is uncomfortable and painful and horrible. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the feeling that I am three years old again being used for someones evil desires. Because that is where the memories put me - back in tree house, in a tub, in a bed, being used and then discarded. It is a horrible place to be. I know some people have talked about how it gets easier. It seems like since I actually allowed myself to feel these things, the new memories do not get any easier. How I cope with them is better because I know God is with me and so I feel loved and protected in the present. But my body and my emotions seem to be reliving the pain. Sigh.

Through all this, I wonder how I will face the next several years of digging into counseling. Has my life up to this point prepared me to deal with all of the triggers that will come up? Will I be effective as a counselor? Will I be able to use my pain to help someone who is hurting? Right now, when I am mired in my own stuff, I don't see how I can help anyone. What if someone tells me something that triggers a memory for me? Will I shake and throw up like I do when the body memories come back so strongly? What I am feeling, a little bit, is run away, you can't do this. I know that is Satan. He does not want me to use my pain to help others. He does not want me to walk this road. He tells me it is too scary. There is too much to fear. But I will listen to the voice of truth. I will trust in God and I will not be afraid. The voice of truth tells me I can do this, this is the right path, and God has great things in store if I trust and obey.

So with a still heavy and somewhat fearful heart, I will move forward through this day and the next and the next. When the memory comes fully, God will be with me and I will be in pain. But I will not be alone. That is all that matters in the big picture anyway.

Triggers

I had briefly heard on the news about the little girl who was molested and someone found a recording. But last night I saw the story. They arrested the guy. The girl was three when it happened. That triggered something for me because I was three the first time I remember being molested. My heart went out to the little girl. So often, I have hardened myself when I hear news stories. It is the only way to function it seems. It breaks my heart so badly that if I didn't tune out the stories I would be a mess. But this one touched home in a big way. My visceral reaction was that I wanted to kill the ... I wanted to rip his eyeballs out of his head. I wanted to rant and rave in his face about the pain she will have to go through the rest of her life because of his selfish and evil desires. That particular evil breaks my heart as it must break the heart of God. But I don't think I react in a very godly way. In the moment, I want revenge for her hurt, and for my hurt. I still can't see that God could love someone like that. It is really a good thing that I am not God.

Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, the picture from the news came into my head. Since I just really dug into the memories from my first experience last year, I guess it is still pretty fresh. I remember the horror and confusion of that event as if it just happened. The fact that she was three must have been what triggered the storm of emotions for me. To make matters worse, there was a storm last night. I have been terrified of storms for as long as I can remember. But there is one instance where I remember being on the porch watching a storm. I was not scared, but fascinated with all of the colors in the clouds and the way the lightening danced across the sky. The way my body reacts to storms now lets me know that something bad happened during a storm. I had a glimpse last night of that memory. All I wanted to do was push it away because it seemed too much on top of my emotions about the little girl. I prayed, asking God not now. He honored my prayer. I have only the one glimpse, but I know there is more to come. From the hard work I went through last year, and reliving those moments of horror and pain, I know this will probably be the same. The worst memories are the last to surface. However, it is a necessary path to freedom from my past. God was with me every step of the way on my journey of healing and he was with me last night. I asked him to just let me be vulnerable and open to trust at that moment. I let me husband hold me while I tried to sleep. Every time I woke up, my husband reached out to touch me, letting me know he was there. That was something I really needed last night.

So now, I must face the day, with sadness in my heart and a new memory on its way. Yet at the same time, I must be present for my family and my job. Lord, help me through this day. Be present with me as I walk this valley. Hold me as I face this new memory. And God, help me to see evil as you see it. Something to be hated, but not hating the person.

Following a Different Path

For the past two and half years, I have been actively involved in the STEP ministry at my church. First, as a participant, where some deep wounds had a chance to heal as others walked alongside of me and helped me through the valleys. Then as a facilitator where I gave back to the ministry that helped me so much.

I love this ministry. I love the people. I love the mission. I love how this ministry effects real and lasting change in people by pointing them directly to the source of our healing, Jesus Christ. There is nothing I don't love about this ministry. So last night was a really hard night for me.

God is moving me in a new direction. I am going to pursue the counseling piece of my calling that I ran away from when I went back to school in 1995. I have started a biblical counseling class at church and I am going to enroll in a counseling program to pursue licensing. I tend to get really focused and will do lots of different things. I like challenge and meeting all of those challenges. But one of the many things I learned in STEP is that I don't have to do everything. Nor should I. I made a commitment last year to really value my marriage. To put my husband and my family first on my list instead of last. I have seen some big improvements since I changed my focus away from work/church/everything else to where it should be - my husband and family. I have been blessed with a patient and understanding husband that supports everything I do, patiently waiting on the sidelines until I remember to recognize that he is there. That was a very destructive and sinful pattern I had. So with all of that in mind, I knew something had to give. God is calling me back to the counseling part and I will follow that. So I told some of the leadership last night that I would be stepping down from my leadership role as well as any active participation in STEP. It felt like breaking up with 20 people that you love. Everyone was super supportive, which almost made it harder. That is not what you expect from life. But my church reflects Christ, not the world, and that is why they are letting me go with love. I will go back when I can and try to pop in when I can. But for now, I have to pursue where God is leading me, while honoring my marriage by not overextending my commitments.

A few years ago, I would have just plowed ahead and done everything. I have grown so much and I realize that I have to prioritize what is important. The job will pass away, someone else will step up and fill my shoes in STEP, and I must fill my life with the things of God, including what he is calling me to do and being present for the blessings he has provided for me in the form of my family. So I enter this new phase of my life with some sadness, yet also with a sense of breathless anticipation for what God is going to do. The next few years should be exciting, tiring, and filled with more learning. Thank you God for the growth I have had and the growth I will be going through.

Great Book

I just finished If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat. It was awesome. Everyone should read it. The book talks about our fears and how we let them hold us back from walking on water experiences. The book uses the story in Matthew of Peter walking on water. It lets us know that it is okay to not be perfect; something I have to constantly remind myself. If we fall, Jesus will be right there to pick us up again. The point is, we won't learn if we don't try. Just like a little kid, we can't walk, if we don't fall down and try again.

Lot's of people, myself included, think that those walking on water experiences are for other people. But God made us for a purpose. No one else can fulfill our purpose. If we are afraid to get out of the boat, or if we stay in the safety and comfort behind the door of our salvation, how will we be effective? How will we change our world? How will we fulfill God's plan for us?

I know that I am struggling with what direction to take in my life. My heart says go back to school and get the psychology portion done. But my head says you are still paying for your other degrees, you don't have time, what if you don't get a different job, and by the way, what the heck is it that God really wants from me. I thought I had it all figured out with the teaching thing. I thought that was my calling. I won't say I was wrong on my calling, but I do think it is time to move on. And that is a scary thing in so many ways. But unless I get out of the boat and walk toward Jesus, I won't know what I can do. So here's to being scared about the consequences and taking a risk anyway - knowing that Jesus will be there with me every step of the way.

Senseless Tragedy

Saturday morning our community experienced a senseless tragedy. An eight year old boy was playing flag football, collapsed, and died. Both of his parents work for the district. I didn't know the boy, although my son had played with him at school. I know both parents by sight, but that is all. For some reason, God has burdened my heart for this family. My tears will not stop; however, the tears I cry are not my own. They are for the family: for the loss, confusion, anger, emptiness... I will pray for them because they are hurting. Maybe they can't pray for themselves, maybe they don't even know God. I really don't know. I just know God has given me this burden and I will pray for the family. God knows what they need, I will just give it to him until he tells me it is enough.

I asked God to minister to them - through me. I always turn to writing in my pain. Hopefully it will be some small comfort to them. God - please reach down, right now, and bring comfort to this family.

If you are reading this posting - please stop right now and say a prayer for the family. Thank you.

Below is my way of connecting to the family. Pray that God uses this situation.

My heart breaks as the tears run down my face.
This pain is not my own; I share it with you.
It seems that my heartstrings have been connected to your loss.
Your pain, your tears – I cry out to God for you.

The why must be overwhelming,
the emptiness – too much to talk about,
the loneliness – too much to deal with,
the questions pouring in all lead to doubt.

Where God, are you in this tragedy?
Why God, do we have to feel this pain?
Who God, are you really?
When God, will I be able to breathe again?


Are there answers to these questions?
“He is with God,” we hear through our tears.
But that doesn’t soften the blow.
It does not help to calm our fears.

Having walked through the valley of the shadow -
when I cried out to God in the darkness,
I know I did not walk that valley alone.
Through the darkness and shadows, God held me through my anguish.

I will continue to cry out to God for you
while you walk through the valley.
I will pray for comfort on your behalf
Knowing that there is healing, that you will breathe again.

09/17/2007

What a week

I have had such a busy week that I haven't even had time to blog. I have thought of several different things I wanted to write about, but there just hasn't been time. I have pretty much been gone every night this week. Wednesday was a 16 hour day at work - we had a yearbook workday after school, then back to school night for parents. It is one of our big pushes for sales so it is a huge night for me.

Thursday, I was of course exhausted. But I started a Biblical Counseling course. I went in tired, and left pretty much excited and disturbed at the same time. I am excited about what I will be learning. I am disturbed because I know that the course will bring up my own stuff. I have worked so hard the past two years on my healing. Sometimes, I just want it to be over with. However, I know that because of the chronic nature of the abuse, things will always crop up. Probably for the rest of my life. I have the tools I need to deal with the issues. I know that God will meet me where I am and help me through the pain. I know there will be peace and beauty on the other side. But the human, hurting part of me does not want to go through any more. I want to be done. It is always about just taking one more step and growing in my healing and my trust in God. So, I am excited because I am finally doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. I know this is God's will for me and that is a good place to be. Eleven years ago, sitting in Psychology 101, my teacher (the greatest ever by the way) was lecturing about Pavlov's dogs. All I could think of was my conditioned response to my father's bed. I barely made it through the class. I decided then and there that if I was going to follow God's plan for my life and become a teacher, I better deal with my own stuff. I wouldn't be very effective if I fell apart when some girl brought her story to me. Thus began my journey of healing. I started college with the intention of majoring in education and minoring in psychology. That experience in psych 101 made me change my plans and I minored instead in German. But anyway, I joined a survivor group and started working on my past. The group was good, except that my faith did not seem to matter to the people there and any time I brought it up - it was discounted. It was all about self-empowerment and never being victimized again. I was taking 21 credits, had two elementary aged children, and was working on my healing. Thankfully, the aforementioned awesome teacher let me work out some of my healing through my assignments. It was so easy to tie my stuff in with what I was learning. I think because of that experience, the class stuck with me much more than it would have. But I also ran away from the second part of my calling because I was overwhelmed and scared. However, God has done much work in my life lately. I have to say that the difference between healing with biblical based principals and a worldly view is so much better. I barely scratched the surface of my pain before. I took anti-depressants to numb myself from the pain that was surfacing. Through STEP, I learned to accept the pain as a pathway to healing. Working through it basically sucked, but God was faithful and I am so much better now than I ever thought I would be.

I hope that this course will be a springboard for something else. I truly feel that I am not supposed to teach in high school forever. I am not sure where God is leading me and more than anything, I want to be open to new things. But for now, things are good. I have had a really good first couple of weeks at school. I had a rotten day on Friday, but in the middle of it, I turned to God. A friend brought me a book for my birthday on prayers and meditations for teachers. I opened to a page on adversity and it helped me to feel better. The day got worse, but I didn't spiral down that path towards despondency. I was upset and hurt by something that got blown out of proportion, but I just tried to take care of it as best as I could. I know that Satan will be fighting me tooth and nail because I have given my teaching and my classroom to God. So I will just keep on praying and continue to give it to God. I am surprised by God lately and the changes he has wrought in my life. (Ironically, that fits in with the new series we have at church - isn't God funny that way?) Anyway, that's it for now. Here's to a new week lived in the faith that God is in control.

Perfect Love

This morning I told my son the same thing I have told him a million times over. "I love you." He asked me why. At first I just said because I do. Then I started to think about why I love him. Do I love him because he is cute? Do I love him because he is the best behaved child ever born (yeah, right)? Do I love him because he does everything right? Do I love him because he does things for me? I guess in part, I love him for all of those reasons. But I loved him before I ever saw him. I loved him from the very second I knew of his existence. Actually, when Lance and I were trying to get pregnant, I loved him already, even though I didn't know him.

It hit me that I just love him because "he is". Not because of anything he does, says, or the way he looks or acts. I just love him for his existence. Nothing will ever change that - Nothing. That showed me, in a small way, how God loves me. I don't have to do anything or be anybody. He loved me before I was born. He loved me when he thought of me. My broken childhood hurt him, as I am hurt when my children are hurt. He could not protect me from everything because if he did, there would be no free choice for me to love him back and serve him out of my own desire. God simply loves me because I am. Just like I love Marcus, and Mitchell and Whitney - just because they are.

I'm not sure if my thoughts would be considered "theologically sound". But I do know that God has perfect love for me. If my human relationships can give me a glimpse of that love and help me to understand God's love for me, I think that is amazing. A sentence said a million times over takes on new meaning when a child asks a probing question. How awesome and amazing is that?

Praying and Obedience

A few weeks ago, a friend at church gave me a prayer that she prays every day before she goes to work. I took the paper with me and put it in my car. I started praying that prayer in the parking lot at school before I began my day. It was a little awkward, because the prayer was so general, so I revised the prayer to fit my specific work environment. I was typing the new prayer while at school - during lunch. I felt led to email a copy of the prayer to one of the administrators and just let him know I was thinking of him and I appreciated his life and his witness as a Christian. He emailed back thanking me for sending the prayer to him.

After I sent the prayer, I printed one out for myself and put it on an index card. I took it to the library and asked if they would mind laminating something personal. Usually, the answer is no way. But after glancing at what was contained on the card I was told yes. I then went back to my room where my new laminated prayer card was delivered a few hours later.

The next morning I prayed my new revised prayer. God put on my heart to start praying for specifics as well so I asked him to give me one person or specific thing a day to pray for. Who or what would be up to Him. For the past week I have been praying my prayer, and God has been bringing new people to my mind during the prayer everyday. I look forward to who God wants me to pray for. I never know in advance, it just comes during my morning prayer. I sit in my car, in the parking lot, with my head bowed, and pray. It doesn't take long, but what a sense of purpose I now feel. Imagine - God gives me someone to pray for every day. That is just amazing! What an awesome God we serve. It never ceases to amaze me what God does through us when we simply humble ourselves in obedience to His purposes. I don't know why I am praying for specific people, but God does. He knows when the sparrow falls and he knows what we need, even when we don't know ourselves.

Today, my prayerful attitude and sense of purpose was severely tested. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. Through it all, I did not swear or get angry (well not too angry anyway). I just tried again if that was necessary and kept on putting one foot in front of the other. By the end of the day, the problems were mostly solved and I had kept my sense of peace. Last year I would have been so frustrated because things are so unnecessarily chaotic. The problems are mostly due to lack of follow through or a plan on how to do things. I get easily frustrated by that because I usually have a plan and I am dedicated to following through. When something does not work well, I revise it until it flows more smoothly. It seems as if there is a wrong way or a difficult way to do things at work, that is the standard mode of operation. So--- not getting frustrated and spiraling into anger was a huge step. I totally attribute it to my prayer life and my new found sense of purpose. I may not want to stay where I am forever. I would probably jump ship in a heartbeat if I had the chance. But, God has given me a sense of peace and of purpose for this season of my life. Isn't that awesome!

The Importance of Relationship

Over the past several years, I have learned more and more that we have to be in relationship with others in order to grow in Christ. The bible doesn't suggest we have relationships. It tells us: "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25 We have relationships so we can hold each other accountable, encourage one another, and be God with skin on for each other. It is too difficult to live a Christian life without Christian friends holding us accountable.

For a very long time, I kept away from relationship. I have huge problems trusting people, so putting myself out there for others was so hard. I got burned badly by some people in my old church, so I thought if that was how it was, I would do it on my own. Not only did I shy away from making new relationships, I pulled away from old relationships. When I really started healing, I wanted to tell those who had a part in my healing thank you. Most, although they guessed at the abuse, did not know the full extent. To be told even a part of why I was thanking them made them uncomfortable. Thus, it made me feel uncomfortable as well. I didn't pull away at that time, but rather just pulled back somewhat. Then, when I really started digging into the abuse and gaining healing, it was just too hard to try and do everything I had to do to get through the day to worry about past relationships. But through the recovery program at church, I have learned that I must have relationship in order to grow in my faith and continue in my healing. Now, I easily call a friend when I am going through a rough spot. It has been a huge transition.

So what about the old relationships. Slowly, I have tried to re-establish those that were important. I have looked up some people that had a hand in protecting me, some that just tried to love me even though they could not understand the horror of my life, and some that gave me a sense of my worth when I thought I was not worthy of anything. This last weekend my family went to Sacramento to a BBQ with a friend from my past. I felt that I had enough healing in my life to once again connect with this family. Although I have written Christmas cards every year, that was about the extent of the relationship. This family had a huge impact on my healing. I truly believe that if it would not have been for their intervention, I would be dead. I am pretty sure they have no idea as to the extent of my abuse. They weren't trying to save me. I believe they were just being obedient to God when they took me into their hearts. I spent more time with this family than with my own. I had many firsts with them: bible study, going to church as a family, going on family trips, going to church camp (which they paid for and I didn't know at the time), just hanging out and enjoying each others company. The fact that God put this family in my life proves to me how much He loves me. Their example, I believe, has helped me to be the kind of parent and wife that I am today. I certainly did not gain those skills from my own family. I will be forever grateful to them for their love and acceptance of me.

Anyway, when I visited, two members of the family, the brother and sister were there. I felt pretty much at ease right away. I couldn't believe so many years had passed and things were that comfortable. I did tell them in a small part how their family had made such an impact on me. I hope that I did not make them feel uncomfortable. I know it is hard for those on the outside to see the pain in our lives and the evil that exists in this world. So if you guys are reading, thank you again for having a part in my healing. Know that I look on you as a gift from God. I am thankful to have known you and I am thankful for the re-connection. God bless.

Rejected... but not really

Yesterday I worked kind of late, then when I got home, I had a message on my machine. It was the editor from the publisher I submitted my book to. She told me that they would be unable to publish the book, but she wanted to speak with me. Since it was late, I could not call as she was on the East coast. So we ate a quick dinner, went to a parenting thing at church, and came home. I actually slept fairly well, considering.

This morning, when I woke up, I was so tired from the week and staying out late last night. But then I remembered I had an important phone call to make. So I got ready and went into my office to make the phone call. I whispered a quick prayer as the phone rang. She picked up right away. At first, she wanted to explain why my book had been rejected. I assured her that we were kind of expecting that, since that publishing house doesn't really deal with my type of story. I was just happy to have had my story actually read. She gave me lots of advice:
- Start a website with different things on it: information page, resources, comment area, articles, and blog area. I'm not sure if this particular forum counts as the type of blog she was referring to???
- Submit some articles to magazines such as Guideposts.
- Add more hope at the end of the story... I actually think I will just write the part 2 of the story, which may end up being the first thing I publish? The only problem is when to write - between my family, church, and work, there isn't much time left over.

She also gave me a couple of publishers to contact, so I will try that. She felt that the book would only be for a very specific audience: women who have been sexually abused. She believes that pastors won't read it, because it is too hard to accept that reality, counselors won't read it because they have heard it all, and even abuse victims will have a hard time with it. I really didn't think it was that graphic. I tried very hard to not make it graphic. Because it is my life and I lived it, I guess it doesn't seem as bad to me as it does to others. It is hard to see it from that perspective. I do; however, think the audience is wider. Look at "A Child Called It". Tons of people, that had never been abused by their parents, read that book. So although I value her input as a professional, I think that the audience may be somewhat wider. I will just keep submitting to different publishers and see what happens.

I do believe my story is important and I do think that the truth needs to be told. Too many victims fall by the wayside because sexual abuse is still shrouded in secrecy. The stigma re-victimizes. It should not be that way. If my story brings healing to one person, or allows one person to escape a life of abuse, that will be a beginning. Until sexual abuse is no longer shameful for the victim, until the cycle is stopped, until the enormity of the problem is acknowledged, I cannot give up on my dream. God gave me this dream and through his strength, I will help the helpless. It is my holy discontent, and I will not let go of it until my last breath.

Watering the Seeds

I just finished my first week of school. I have started a new thing where I introduce myself to my students the first day of school. I have very few pictures of myself as a child and I tell the kids straight out that I had a bad childhood and that if I can overcome my past, so can they. I then have them write a little about their families and themselves for their first assignment. A few of the students, in their writing, thanked me for sharing and told me that what I said made me seem more human and that they appreciated my honesty. So that was awesome.

Then, on Thursday, a young lady was in my class talking with me. This is going to be my second year as her teacher. I gave her an opening to talk about some of things I had heard her mention about her family the past year. She surprised me by totally opening up to me. I feel so blessed when my students have that level of trust with me. I cannot change her situation, but I hope that just being a willing listener, she knows that she has someone she can share with. I am sure that God will bless the relationship, as he has so many times in the past few years. So thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this young woman's journey. Help me to give her sound advice and point her towards you.

New Directions

Lately, I feel been feeling rather “on edge”. My book being out there, as in with a publisher, has brought so many things to the forefront of my mind. I am waiting on the Lord in breathless anticipation of what will happen with the book. I wonder how I will feel if they want to publish, or if they don’t want to publish. The fact that it happened so quickly surprised a lot of people, including me. One of my friends encouraged me last night at church. She told me that even if they don’t accept my manuscript to keep trying. I will keep trying because too many people believe that my story is important and that it can help others. But I still wonder how I will feel. I have learned not to take too much stock in my feelings, because they are fleeting. What I have learned to do with them is to acknowledge and accept them, not push them away as invalid or weak.

I have been thinking a lot about what I will write next. My pastor encouraged me to continue the story. I think I would like to start with going back to college, because that is when I really started to work on my stuff and face all of the consequences of the abuse. It is amazing how much clarity God brings to my mind when I write. All the details play in my head like a movie. Sometimes, well oftentimes really, it is disconcerting - especially when I am recalling certain episodes or memories of the abuse. Writing, although an outlet for those feelings; brings them back to the surface where they must be dealt with. I have many tools now to deal with those feelings, but it still gives me the “on edge” feeling. I have lots of nightmares. I have learned through counseling and STEP to not push those feelings away, but rather to explore them in a prayerful attitude. I call on God, and He is there, right with me as I experience some terror related to my childhood. He comforts me and I know that by allowing myself to become weak, he will walk me through the valley of the shadow of death. Speaking of death, it no longer seems the preferable option to dealing with the after effects of abuse. Thinking of dying used to be the only out I could see from the torment of my memories. That is no longer the case. I have hope and I have peace that I never thought I would have. It has taken hard work on my part. It was not a miraculous cure. God did not bring instant healing, although He could have. Instead, He chose to give me people in my life to help me through the tough times. By being obedient to Him, by crawling around in the pit, and turning to God in the big and little things, He has grown me beyond my expectations. It’s ironic how that works. By turning over my life to God, admitting my weakness, I actually gain strength.

Although I am living in a state of expectation right now, I am not stressed or freaked out about what will happen. I do trust that the outcome is in God’s hands. It is a new and exciting place for me to be.

Back to School

I just finished my first two days. Because we have an A-B schedule (we meet with students every other day), it is actually two first days of school instead of one. For the most part, both days were fine. No students stand out, one way or the other at this point. That is always good.

I have had to revise my whole curriculum because we got new software. I am glad for the new software, but the learning curve will be steep. I usually start with one program, but I will start with a different one until I figure out the resources available for teaching the new software. So I feel kind of rushed, trying to get everything all figured out. I guess I just need a few days to get back into the swing of the school year.

As far as my attitude goes; it will be a struggle. There are so many little things that just drive me crazy. Inefficiency seems to be the standard operating mode. The facility is not clean or taken care of. Today when I drove into the parking lot, there was a huge pond. In a few weeks, it will be a frozen pond. They were supposed to fix the drain last year, but alas, that did not happen. It is just little things like that which build on each other and tire me out. However, I will continue to give my days to God, asking for His strength to get through the day. My most important job is my students. I would like to be a good example to them this year instead of the stressed out/burned out negative person I was last year. I still do hope I don't have to stay there forever. I will continue to do my best while there, but still look for a new job somewhere else.

On a happier note, at least I do not have to do both the newspaper and the yearbook this year. Taking away the newspaper relieved a lot of stress and will make my year easier.

Exposure to the Right Things

Last night's teaching at church was really good. One thing really stuck with me. "It's not just about protecting your children from the wrong things, it is about exposing them to the right things."

As a parent, I want to protect my children from all that is bad in the world. But if they are completely insulated, how will they learn? They must see poverty and disease and even wickedness in order to grow in Christ and do the right things with their lives. We are so far removed from everyday realities that nothing pulls at our hearts. I can relate it to the book, Holy Discontent. If you never see any need, how can you address that need? How can you have a holy discontent?

I think that God, as my parent, wants to expose me to the right things. For so long, I mostly avoided anything to do with abuse because it was so painful. But God can use the pain and turn it into my holy discontent. I cannot be content with children being abused, more and more I feel the need to do something. I'm not sure what that something is yet, but it is there and it is growing.

Romans 8:28 tells me, "that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, and who have been called according to His purpose." God didn't cause my pain, but He can use it. He can take evil horrible situations and through us, use them for His glory. His purpose is fulfilled in what I do with my exposure to the right things. Do I sit back and let someone else try to right the wrongs? Or, do I grab a hold of my holy discontent and do something with it? His purpose is worked out in my helping others. Not sitting back, not hiding in my pain, not being afraid to step out in faith. God can use my pain and although it is scary, I am willing to let Him take me down a new path - one that helps others and brings His purpose for me to perfect fulfillment.

First Day Back

August 22 was my official first day back to school for teachers, although I have been in since Monday. There is always so much to be done and not enough time to do it in. We got a new computer system for grades and attendance and I was asked to be one of the trainers. So armed with a PowerPoint, and paitence, I set out to help teachers get into the 21st century. Some of them barely use email, let alone the computer. Many still do grades by hand, something I cannot even imagine.

I had two opportunties Wednesday. Train them with kindness and grace for their attitude (which is based in fear of change) or treat them as they have treated me. I chose the first option and they seemed very grateful for my help.

I also finally got my computer log in problems fixed, which was awesome. I had been in five times over the summer to install new software in my lab and all I got was the run around. My VP finally put me in touch with the head of computer services and he fixed everything up for me. Yeah!

I am praying for a good year, anticipating that since this is where God wants me, if I walk in that knowledge, He will provide what I need to not only get through the year, but to make it an awesome year. For the first time in two years I am excited about starting school.

Retreat

I just returned from a weekend retreat at Lake Tahoe. The Step ministry leadership team met for a weekend of fellowship, team building, and strengthening our relationship with God. First, is there a more perfect setting for a spiritual retreat than Lake Tahoe? God's beauty surrounds you every moment. For me, being so close to God's creation brings God closer to my heart. I am definitely a nature girl by heart.

So what did I learn? We took personality profiles and it was amazing how correct mine was. I've taken lots of personality profiles before and nothing ever stuck with me like this one. The profile was from a book called "The Four Elements of Success" by Laurie Beth Jones. The elements are Earth, Fire, Water, Wind. I am an Earth-Fire. The main thing I will be working on is how my reserved nature comes off as arrogant or aloof to many people. So I will stepping out of my comfort zone and extending my hand and smile in greeting to those I don't know as well as those I do know. I hold back too much and it will be harder to get my story to people if I am not perceived as approachable. My fellow Earth teammates will be holding me accountable to this goal.

We also took a spiritual gifts assessment. I scored high in administration (surprise, surprise - NOT), faith and discernment. The last two amazed me, as well as showed me in a tangible way how much God has grown me these past few years. I would not have the faith I have now if I had not walked the hard road. God really does grow our character through trials. Now, I can share that I know God will be with people through the darkest days. He is faithful, and I know this not only from reading it in my bible, but from experiencing it. As far as discernment goes, I have had trouble trusting my own feelings and thoughts because I was always told pain wasn't pain, I did not feel that way, molestation was love, and the list goes on. The past several years, people at church have made comments to me about my wisdom and ability to discern the truth about things that happen in group. I won't say that I didn't believe what they told me, but it was hard to accept. However, the more I learn to trust my inner voice, the more I know God is real, the more willing I become to accepting the positive things about myself. So, I was really pleased to know just how much I have grown in those areas of my life. The cool thing is that the more I grow, the more God will give to me to give to others. My spiritual gifts will grow with me.

The last thing we did was to start a personal mission statement. I felt I had a head start on this process because I have been through a mission statement process twice for the school accreditation process. I also have a personal mission statement for my classroom. When I starting the process, I just opened my heart to God. Our assignment was to choose 3 to 4 words from a list that struck us. I probably ended up with about 15, but many of them are closely related. I really felt it was a God thing because it flowed so easily. Most of my words were attached to whole thought. For example, I will help victims through the healing process. Many of my thoughts had to do with taking an active role in helping abuse victims. This leads me to believe that God has plans for me other than what I am doing now. Through my teaching, I have helped about 5 girls over the past 6 1/2 years. That is such a drop in the bucket compared to the statistics. I am excited about where my personal mission statement will lead me. I am waiting on God's plan for me with breathless anticipation. I know he can use my pain for His glory. That is all that matters in the end anyway.

Well, I'm off to my classroom for my first pre-school day of getting ready. More later.

My Story

For the past six years I have been writing my story. The idea was planted when I was 19, sitting in a cafe in downtown Phoenix, during lunch with a friend. I was relating, in a very small part, my childhood and said I would really like to help others who have gone through the same thing. I told him that someday I would write a book about my experiences.

Fast forward 16 years to my first year teaching at Blue Ridge High School. In walks R.E. We made a connection right away. She was also affected by abuse and so we shared stories. Having walked the road longer and having somewhat of a grip on my past (does anyone ever fully have a grip on something so devastating?), I was able to help her deal with day to day issues as well as some of the bigger stuff. I told her of my desire to write a book. She asked me why didn't I just start. She was right. My husband was still in Phoenix wrapping up selling the house and looking for a job in Pinetop. So I had time I would not have otherwise had. I started drafting the story. I looked over old diary entries and poetry I had written during my Freshman year of high school. That was a pivotal year for me in my journey toward healing. I formatted the book as my diary. I would take breaks from writing because the material was obviously difficult. Between working, being a wife and mother, and life in general, I got through my first draft. I didn't delve as deeply as I could have, but I got some of it out. Several of my students that I developed close relationships with read through some of the entries as I finished. I didn't share everything, but enough to know that what I was doing was a good thing.

Fast forward 4 years to my first year teaching in Nevada. For some reason, I opened the computer file and started writing again. I filled in the blanks. My writing was filled with hurt and anger. Through the new process of writing, I joined a survivors group and really tackled some of the hard stuff. I finished the book.

Fast forward another year. Sitting in church, my pastor asked "what does God want you to do right now?" God, in that still small voice, told me to finish my book. I told God in no uncertain terms that I had finished my book. Again, I heard the voice telling me to finish the book. I knew enough about God and his prompting to trust the voice and do what was asked of me. Thus began an intense six month journey in which God brought great healing to me. I was able to use the tools I had for healing, turning to God in my deepest pain, trusting people He had placed in my life, and reworking the book to really reflect the journey from a child of 14 to a woman who has found healing.

I gave my book to my pastor to read and when he finished he told me he wanted to talk to me about it. He basically told me that it had to be published and that he would try to help me down that path. Now although I had a vague idea that someday the book might be published, the reality of it set in and kind of scared me. I have known for a very long time that I wanted to publish the book. My main goal is to help others down the same path I have walked. That would be pretty impossible if the book just sat in my computer and only a few people read it. Still - the reality of my story, my pain, becoming public fodder, well, it is rather frightening. Anyway, with my pastor's help, the book has been sent off to a publisher. So we are praying and waiting to see what God will do. I do believe that God has something for me, something that will turn my pain into His glory through helping others. So for now, I wait in peaceful anticipation for what will come next.

Blooming Where I have been Planted

Well, I found out yesterday that my job search was once again to no avail. That seems to send a strong message to me that I am where I am supposed to be - for the moment anyway. All throughout the leadership seminar, I was applying the principles I learned to what I do in the classroom everyday. Funny how even though I never want to darken that doorway again, it is ingrained in my very being. I actually love the teaching part, and for the majority of the part, the kids. I know I make an impact, and a good impact at that. It is just the extraneous stuff that is hard. So my lesson now is to keep my head up and know that I am working for God. If I can be a light to even one of my students, isn't that what it is all about anyway?

So what did I learn from the leadership summit that I can apply to work? I have been thinking a lot about blooming where I have been planted. It was strongly reinforced for me at the summit. For one, I need to share the vision with my yearbook kids. They need to own it. I think that Bill Hybel's question, "What does God want the church to look like in 5 years?" can apply to my job as well. What does God want the yearbook to look like in 5 years. What does God want my teaching to look like in 5 years? You see, it doesn't matter where you are, as long as you are doing your all for the Lord. Another thing I learned is to celebrate success along the way. Last year, I was so burned out that it was all I could do to get through a day. I know that is not what God wants for me or my students. Marcus Buckingham gave a quote from Anias Nin that I will put up in my classroom "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud became greater than the risk it took to blossom." If that is not related to blooming where I am planted, I don't know what is. Colin Powell talked about a clash of ideas, allowing lots of different flowers to bloom. John Ortberg reminded me that perhaps I have come to my position for such a time as this - read Esther, it is all about blooming. I need to leverage my gifts. God has gifted me with teaching. I need to remember that is my call and my service to Him.

So, what will I do to keep myself motivated? Because I have been unhappy with my position, I have not made my classroom mine. It is like someone else's room. I can't paint it, but I can put paper up all over the wall and decorate. I will put inspirational/motivational sayings up. I will keep books on my shelf that are motivational, that I can read during lunch. I will post some key quotes for myself where I will see them everyday. I will ask key people to keep me accountable for my motivation.

Now all that remains is to see where God will take me this year.

Willow Creek Association Leadership Summit

I had the most amazing opportunity to attend a leadership summit with the staff and some volunteer leaders from my church. We carpooled to Sparks, The Rock church, for the event which was broadcast via satellite. I am still trying to digest what I took away from two and half days of the most intense conference I have ever been to. Imagine, the best seminar/conference you have ever been to, to the 10th power, and add in a spiritual element. That was what it was like for me.

The conference started out with a multi-media presentation on the history of the church. It was so moving and so incredibly well done. It ended with the quote "All of us will write the next chapter." Meaning, I will help write the next chapter of church history. Is my contribution worthy? Probably, this struck me, because I write. Nevertheless, it was a powerful beginning for me.

So what did I learn? Well, one post I am sure will not cover it. I will sum up for now, but I think I will be unpacking the lessons for awhile.

Bill Hybels, A Vision to Die For

• Process the vision with key team members, this gives them a chance to speak into the future. It gives them ownership.
• Vision will leak because life happens. It must be constantly restated and retaught.
• Your followers will take their ownership cue from y0u, they will watch to see your level of commitment.
• Will you be willing to sacrifice deeply for the vision? Are you a hired hand or are you an owner?

Carly Fiorina, Tough Choices

• What you make of yourself is your gift to God.
• Ask the right question and people will learn the right answer.
• Leadership is about seeing and unlocking the potential in people. (Where would I be if others had not seen certain things in me?)
• Create experiences that put people outside of their comfort zone.
• Expect others to develop their own leadership skills.
• Respect for the individual is telling them what you really think.
• There is a gift in everything, if only we will see it.

Marcus Buckingham, Go, Put Your Strengths To Work

• Build around my strengths and manage around my weakness. (Usually one tries to build on their weakness. This is an awesome concept.)
• You only learn about excellence by studying excellence.
• People's strengths are our greatest asset.
• How do you move from using your strength once a week to most of the time?
• Make the best of your job into the most of your job.
• 4 signs of strength:
• S=success
• I=instinct, do you look forward to doing
• G=growth
• N=needs, were you put here to do that thing
• "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anias Nin
• Let tomorrow be a different day than today.

Colin Powell, Leading at the Highest Level

• Allow lots of flowers to bloom and take ideas from everyone.
• Encourage a noisy system.
• Be prepared to disappoint people and make them angry.
• Make sure you have fun along the way.
• Optimism is a force multiplier, i.e. the problem can be solved, we are going to make it.
• Things always look better in the morning - start each day new, tomorrow will be better.
• Trust the element of instinct.
• All of us have a debt of service that we may never be able to repay.

John Ortberg, A Leaders Greatest Fear

• Fear of failure, when a leader fails, it is public knowledge. (Ouch!)
• If we don't embrace a true mission, we will embrace a shadow mission.
• Don't surround yourself with people who will reinforce the shadow mission. People around the leader need to tell the truth!
• "And who knows that you have come to a position for such a time as this." Esther 4:14
• Ask God for clarity and courage to follow the mission to which I am called.
• God is at work behind the scenes and His purpose is certain.
• What is my shadow mission? (More on this later, but it is seeking approval.)

Jimmy Carter, Building Humanity

• Surround yourself with people of integrity and people with the same principles.
• Surround yourself with people that are capable in their own areas. You don't have to be the best at everything.
• We can accommodate changing times, but we must cling to unchanging principles.

Bill Hybels, Whatever You Do, Inspire Me

• Whose job is it to keep a leader motivated? It is your own job to keep your own self motivated. In 1 Samuel 30:6, David went off and encouraged himself in the Lord.
• Stay clear about your calling from God
• Leverage your spiritual gifts in the way God gave them to you.
• Surround myself with inspiring people.
• Read books that are inspirational and motivating.
• Participate in inspiring events.
• Pay attention to physical health.
• Practice daily spiritual disciplines to keep your spirit fresh.
• The best way to motivate those around me is to live a motivated life in front of them.
• Get a list from people of what would inspire them. Celebrate every sign of progress toward shared goals.
• Identify and reduce every demotivating factor.

Well, that was a ton of stuff to process. I would really like to revisit some of it for my own personal growth. I can apply so many of the principles I learned to my personal, spiritual, and work life. All in all, it was an amazing few days and I am so glad I had the opportunity to attend this event.