Steps to Freedom in Christ

I haven’t written much lately because I have been focusing on a process I was going to go through. Several months ago, I was convicted of my unforgiveness toward my parents, as well as some other people I was bitter toward. I started counseling again with the intention of forgiving my father for his sins against me. I read about forgiveness in the bible as well as some materials my counselor gave me. I made lists and prayed to prepare my heart for this journey. In the session where I was going to forgive him as an act of obedience to God, I discovered I could not. That was the session where I realized I identified myself as abuse. Thus started the hard work of learning my worth in God and replacing the lies I believed about myself with the truth of God’s word. I had to face some new memories and deal with some hard truths about myself. I learned to clean out the “take-out box in the back of the refrigerator” by asking God to search me and make me whole. God was faithful and brought things to mind that I did not even know where there. I tried to remain vulnerable and open to God even though at times the knowledge and pain seemed too much to bear. I trusted that God would not give me more than I was able to take and I learned to lean on Him, as well as those in my life that have committed to walk the road with me.

Fast-forward several months to yesterday. I spent three and half hours going through a process by Dr. Neil Anderson called Steps to Freedom in Christ. Two people that I trust with my life walked the road with me, interceding in prayer as I gave my stuff to God. God knew my stuff was huge and he prepared the way for me to clean out the bitterness, anger, hurt, confusion, and unforgiveness. Through the process, I was able to break strongholds, truly forgive the offenses of my parents, truly forgive myself for the stuff I have done, and gain a sense of peace I have not experienced before. The process was exhausting and emotional beyond what I expected, but when we were done, I felt… I don’t know how to put into words what I felt… lighter, free, clean. Words fail me here.

Last night the sermon was on the power of prayer and it was very affirming considering the morning spent in deep prayer with God. I think I really get how much God loves me and desires to be in relationship with me. I have had mountain-top experiences before, but all too soon, the feelings dissipate. I would not describe the prayer process yesterday morning as a mountain-top experience. I would describe it as deep and intimate communication with my father.

This morning, I continue to have peace in my heart and a lightness I have not experienced before. I feel cleansed, from the inside. That is huge for me. Because of the sexual abuse and the lies I was told, I have always battled against my body and have never felt truly clean. What God did for me yesterday was truly a miraculous event. There is no other way to describe it. I am anticipating the wonderful things God has planned for me. I know that yesterday was not a climactic event. It was the beginning of a deeper walk with God. I am not finished with this process, nor is what began yesterday complete. I declare that I choose God and I choose the life he gives every day so that I can grow closer to him and that my life will bring him glory. Thank you Jesus for walking beside me and thank you for cleansing my heart. Thank you for those that walk me with. I love you my father.

Becoming a Child

“Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” Mark 10:15
“Children by nature are relationally oriented. When they are in trouble or pain, the first thing they do is reach out for a protective, comforting parent. They instinctively seek out relationship without even thinking about it. They don’t say to themselves, I’ll be strong and ride this one out, or I’ll just think positive thoughts. They ask for help from someone outside themselves.” (How People Grow, Cloud & Townsend, p. 271)

I used to have a hard time with this bible verse, because I wondered how I could reach out in a childlike faith when I never really experienced a childhood. When I read the thoughts in the above passage, I laughed in irony because those were my thoughts. I knew I had to do it myself because no one was going to do it for me. But I also thought about how as a mother, I have (hopefully) been the person my children could reach out to when they were hurting. I have learned that I need to re-capture my childhood so that I can go to God as a child that has been hurt. And you know what? Unlike my earthly parents, God has been there for me. He has wrapped his arms around me and held me through long nights filled with the pain of my past. He has brought healing to my brokenness. And as I continue down this journey of healing, he will continue to bring wholeness to the broken places. I have learned to trust. I have learned how to have relationship with my Father.

I hope to never forget the lessons I am learning about being a child of God.

How Do We Love?

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately - really working on forgiving those involved in my abuse. I understand now that blanket forgiveness is not going to work. So I am walking a journey of trying to grieve what I have lost as well as go through the forgiveness process. It has been a pain filled journey, but I am experiencing growth.

Last week, reading my Life Recovery Devotional, I came across these words. The bible reference is Romans 13:8-10, part of which says, "If you love your neighbor as much as you love yourself you will not want to harm or cheat or kill him or steal from him." The ending paragraph states, "At first glance we may conclude from this passage that anyone who practices the evils warned against in the Ten Commandments couldn't have love for others. But it may actually show us that when we hurt the ones we love, maybe we are loving them the way we love ourselves--very poorly."

This thought really struck me and I asked God to help me dwell on it over the next few days. I have heard from a lot of people that maybe my mother loved me as much as she was able. (I won't even try to wrap this thought around my father yet.) I could accept that she loved me as much as she was able, but I was really angry that it wasn't more or better. But what if she loves me the way she loves herself? That puts it in a whole new perspective. Yes, she is selfish and she made some major errors in judgement. But what if the way she treated me is the way she would treat herself? I know that she would not understand these thoughts as she thinks she is perfectly fine. She is blinded in her perception of right and wrong, black and white, so many things. If she loves herself the way she loved me, then I am offered no other choice than to grieve for her. The way that I was shown love has left me searching for my value and learning that I really do have worth. That is a concept she does not understand. It makes me sorry for her, in a more compassionate way than I was before. I used to just feel sorry for her that she had locked herself so completely away in falsehoods. Now I feel sorrow that she knows no love at all. It is a lot to ponder, and I am sure I will be unpacking this concept for quite some time. I do think it will help with the forgiveness aspect of my relationship with her.