Last year, my husband and I made some huge decisions and took
some huge steps of faith. Revisiting my post on obedience has made me realize
just how much God has done this past year.
I still have that same sense of "I got this" from God and my usual pattern of worry or over planning has been replaced by a sense of calm that I can only say is miraculous. I have had moments when the panic begins to set in, but the voice reminding me "I got this" is so much stronger than my fear. When I look back, I can truly see that yes, God did have this, and then some!
Our first huge decision was for me to quit my job. We
thought for sure I would need to work part time to make up the gap we would
need to meet our financial obligations. Although I looked and was not picky, I
just could not find something that would work around my internship hours. And
as the months went by, we realized that we were making all of our bills and I
did not need to work. Yes, we tightened our belts and have done without a lot of
extras this past year, but I had the freedom to concentrate completely on my
last year of grad school and my internships. The money has somehow always been
there. One of the areas I struggle in trusting God with is my finances. I have
some hurts in that area from poor leadership in the past. God is showing me
that even there, he cares for us deeply and he has met all of our needs.
Trying to describe my internship and how I feel God has met
me there seems impossible. On the practical side, I know that God put me where
I am and I could not be more blessed. In my grad school cohort, I hear stories
that let me know that I have a great site with amazing support. I am reminded several
times per week of how good I have it there. Yesterday I had a situation where I
needed help and that help was provided instantly. The vast difference between
my site and the last eight years of my professional life became crystal clear.
The contrast absolutely floors me. I have seen just how dysfunctional organizations
can be and by contrast, how healthy they can be. I have been treated as a
professional from the beginning. My ideas have been asked for and appreciated.
I have received support from every person at my internship site. I feel valued
and that has been communicated to me on numerous occasions. I've been allowed
to make mistakes, been constructively criticized, and helped to figure out a
better way to approach something. I've been supported when sick or just
exhausted. I've not only been allowed, but encouraged to use my gifts and
talents. The difference this support has had on my professional life has opened
my eyes to new possibilities and a new found ability to use my voice. That
change has come across in my personal life in such a way that others see the difference.
I am amazed at the changes God is making in me and I can see his hand all along
the way.
Just like my course work has brought about growth around my
childhood; internship has also had a hand in bringing about change. I have been
faced with some giants that I could have never imagined. New memories have
rocked my world and through my obedience to God's voice, my world has been
completely and forever changed. Shortly after beginning at my site, I had a new
memory surface that crushed me. I heard God asking me to bring my husband and
several key support people into the healing process. That step of obedience was
probably the most frightening thing I have ever done. But because God had been
building trust in me, I was able to take that step. Although walking through
that memory was one of the most difficult things I have ever done - listening
to God changed everything. I could not have imagined where that step of trust
would take my marriage, my friendships, or my thoughts about myself. God met me
there in ways I could not have envisioned. I was protected from my own memories
while at work and I was able to focus on my clients and their stories. My experiences
have allowed me to have compassion for my clients. I think more importantly, my
experiences have allowed me to have hope for my clients. I hold it carefully
for them and provide them with glimpses of what can be. I remind them that I
will hold their hope until they can hold it themselves. And I can see the
changes... I can see the tiniest bit of hope where there was none. I can see
the trust given and the courage it takes it share and I remind my clients that
I value the trust they place in my hands, that I value who they are, that I am
honored that we get to share the road for a part of their journey. I have been
able to share with my team some of my faith story and how it impacts my ability
to counsel others. I've seen resistance to my professed faith fade and I've
seen respect grow. And although I have not shared my story with those at my
site, I have been able to share where I've been triggered and my process in
session of dealing with my own stuff. I've learned to have dual processes and
I've learned that I can process the emotional impact without sharing the
details because that isn't important in that setting.
As this grad school journey comes to a close and wraps up, I
am sometimes speechless at all that has happened; the growth, the changed
relationships, the changed perspective. Just like my last post on obedience,
I'm not sure where this journey will take me. I do know that God is still
whispering "I got this" and that is more than enough.
krt/05-09-2013
