Protector

God and I have made it through the week. There have been moments of heaviness, when the body memories intrude, but the heaviness is starting to lift. I think I am through the worst part of the remembering this particular memory. In the midst of the horror, God has been faithful. I have several visions to get me through. One I will share, the other is private, between God and I.

While working the body memories, it became overwhelmingly clear why I was affected in the certain area of my body. I really can't believe the level my father went to to cover over his sin. But even so, I am still left with compassion toward him, which is in itself a miracle. After experiencing the memory I kept waiting for the hatred to come back, but it has not. For that I am thankful. I was able to tell my father what I could not tell him at the time and in a sense, regain my voice. After my counselor and I went through the memory, we were praying, asking God if there was anything else he wanted to show us. Everything felt just quiet, although I was still really shaky. Then God gave me a very clear vision to take away the horror of what I had just remembered. I found myself in bed with my big brother Michael. He had his arm around me and was stroking my hair. I stopped shaking and just felt protected. God gave me protection in the midst of my childhood and that vision was a confirmation of why I have always so fiercely loved my brother. As far as I know, Michael never came to know God before he died. That breaks my heart. I know that God is just and I trust that. I am thankful that I did have someone who gave me unconditional love and protected me as much as he was able. I am thankful I was left with a vision of being loved.

Surprised by compassion

Last night as I couldn't sleep I was thinking about the process I've been walking through. I was having a mock conversation in my head with one of my co-workers. (Probably won't happen because I keep stuff pretty close, I don't think people at work are on a need to know basis.) I was saying that the last few weeks have been incredibly difficult and that I wouldn't wish what I was going through on my worst enemy. I thought for a few seconds, then added, "Well, maybe on my father." But then I thought about that and actually, I would not wish any of this even on the one who is the cause of all this pain. I was surprised at my feeling of compassion for the man who has caused so much damage in my life. Although my father is the source of the majority of trauma in my life, I still would not want him to have the hurt the way I hurt. That compassion blows me away. I believe that compassion is only because I have walked this journey with God, leaning on him to heal those parts of me the majority of people in my life have no clue exist. Moving forward through this process with new insight and downright surprise at this feeling is still difficult. But I do know that God is in the midst and he is faithful.

I will remember

Today I will fight the fight, I will process, and I will remember what my body is shouting out to me to remember. I will acknowledge the pain. I will grieve. I will cry. I will listen to what my body is telling me and I will remember. I will rage at the injustice. I will share my pain. I will think about forgiving and how to go forward with that. I will open the broken, battered, bruised, bleeding part of me that is hidden away so that my savior can heal me from the inside out. I will remember where I came from does not make me who I am today. I will remember how much God has already healed me from. I will remember that I am loved.

Processing

• How do you relate the horror of reliving the memories that have been long repressed, repressed for a reason?
• How do you process those memories and at the same time continue to go about your daily life?
• How do you move forward while moving through?

What I want is to just crawl inside myself and hide away from the world. I want the Technicolor visions to go away. I don’t want to remember any more of this particular horror. I’ve seen enough. I’m done. I’m done with the body memories that won’t let me sleep, that hurt so bad I can barely walk. I’m done with the tears and I’m done with the battle. But I can’t be done. The only way out is through. Through the details, through the body memories, through the pain.

God, help me to move forward in this. Right now I feel stuck and overwhelmed with the new memory. I hurt in places I should not hurt and you are the only one who truly knows my pain. You are the only one that can see deep inside to the broken places. You are the only one who knows what it feels like to be ripped and bleeding and battered. You see the mask I put on to protect myself. You see the effort it takes to just move through the day without giving myself over to despair. You see the wanting to just go to sleep forever. You see the little girl lost and your heart knits with mine in brokenness. You meet me and show me how you protected me. You comfort me in the midst of the memory. Comfort me now God. Help me work through this. Heal the inside parts God, where no one but you can see. Cleanse me and purify me God. Walk with me through the pain. I will trust that you are there. Help my unbelief God.