Decision made

First, I just want to thank those of you that have been praying for us during this time of decision making. We were praying for a clear answer to our question, and what we got was something somewhat different. We got a non-answer. The other party, who started this whole process, suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. After two more emails from me, with no response, Lance and I had some real heart to hearts about what it all meant. We sought some counsel with our decision and were affirmed in our belief. So, for now, I continue to bloom where God has planted me. I will be staying in my current job and trying to "lead where I am at." This principal has been ingrained in my head this past year and is only getting stronger. We have some new paths that we will be following and I am not sure where they will lead, but I do know that God sees the big picture and I feel confident that this is the path I am supposed to follow.

I have one biblical counseling class left. It will be a celebration of an academic year shared together. It will be bittersweet as my dear friend is going to follow a new path and will not be a part of this new ministry God has for me. But I am also so excited to start volunteering in the counseling ministry. During our role-playing, I really feel so natural and God has given me so many affirmations that this is where he wants me right now.

In tandem with the biblical counseling, I will be starting a new Master's program through Capella University in Mental Health Counseling. It is a 92 credit course, so it will be like doing my undergrad all over again. I start my first class on June 9. I am so looking forward to learning all I can and applying my new knowledge to my volunteer work, as well as my work as a teacher. My original intention in my undergrad was to minor in counseling, but I got scared away from that in PSY 101 when Pavlov's dogs brought up my particular conditioned response. (That moment sent me on a journey of healing from my childhood abuse.) God works in funny ways - 12 years later, I am back to step one in pursuing counseling, but with much more knowledge and more importantly, knowing who I am in God. When God decides to pursue you, he does not let go. When God decides his purpose for you, he guides you back to it and gives you a passion that will not let you go. That is what I love about God. He pursues me relentlessly, but I never feel pushed or shoved. I just feel overwhelming love.

So, this non-answer has led my husband and I to settle in our lives here a little bit more. And a new path has been opened up for me to follow. As I start this new journey, please pray that I will follow God's ways fully in counseling as I learn from a secular viewpoint and that I would lead where I am at in my workplace. I have an idea that God has planted regarding work and it is getting stronger as the days go on. Perhaps I can use my holy discontent to do something about the spiritual condition I find myself surrounded in through this new idea.

Again, to my faithful friends, your prayers mean so much. I love you.

Beauty and Grace

Yesterday my family went hiking at Eagle Falls near Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe. The lake is a place of indescribable beauty and I understand why people from all over the world go there. But just "going to the Lake" misses so many other things. So many people that live here have never even driven around the lake to get a different perspective. They haven't gone to different beaches, taken a boat ride, hiked the many trails, or swam in the deep crystal clear water. There is so much they miss of the beauty that God has provided in Lake Tahoe. Kind of like the beauty we miss if we don't swim in the deep waters of God. All too often, I find myself just standing in the shallows, looking out across the lake - afraid to dive in, drive around, or hike through. And I miss so much of what God has to give me. Lately, I have been diving in, going deeper, going to the scary parts of living a fully surrendered life to God. I have felt God's presence in my life in such tangible ways that I cannot describe it. But it is like standing on the top of the mountain looking at the falls roaring over the side as they make their way towards the lake. It is a whole different perspective than standing in the shallows of the beach looking up. And when I swim out to the deep waters, and I get scared and think I will surely drown, I find that when I call out to God, he is there and he gives me strength to keep swimming and I am no longer afraid.

The grace part comes in when I fall back on the grace God has given to me. I am no longer afraid of sharing my faith, of telling people just what God has done for me and how real he is in my daily life. I have been listening more and obeying more when I hear that voice in my heart telling me to let someone know I am praying for them. I have a new boldness that I never knew existed and it is all due to the grace of God. I am so thankful for his beauty, that draws my heart close to him and for his grace, that draws his heart close to mine.

Aching with God's mercy

The past several weeks have been difficult on so many levels. I have so much "stuff" I am dealing with right now that I am just simply exhausted. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out until life does not hurt anymore. However, that is an impossibility, so in the hard stuff, I lean in to God and feel him wrap me in his loving care.

Things that are hard right now:

• Not hearing from the person that put our world on spin cycle, and being stuck in limbo...
• Getting ready for a new master's program in counseling, but nothing is going easy - financial aid, application problems, registration problems...
• Work stuff...
• Car stuff...

And then there is this thing that is new for me - the spiritual gift of mercy. I did not know what this gift was or even that I had it until I was explaining some things to my biblical counseling teacher. So the definition of this gift is: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to feel genuine empathy and compassion for individuals (both Christian and non-Christian) who suffer from distressing physical, mental, or emotional problems, and to translate that compassion into cheerfully done deeds which reflect Christ’s love and alleviate the suffering." This year has been a horrible year for deaths in and around my school district. Although I was not personally related to any of the people that died, my heart felt as if it were breaking. I cry and feel so much pain for the families - so I just pray, asking God to help them where they are and to show them His love through their pain. I didn't know there was a name for what I was going through, I only knew it was super hard. Sometimes, the pain would come on so suddenly, out of nowhere, but I knew that was when God needed me to pray. So, I did. Our school community just experienced another death and this one hit me especially hard because of the injustice of the whole thing. In explaining my feelings, I learned about this gift God has given me. Less than a week later, I learned of another death, this one hitting close to home. This one has been so hard for me because I understand the pain the person felt and I pray that she is at peace now. This is the one that makes me feel like I just want the world to stop. It tears my heart out and I ache with pain for the family, for myself, and mostly for her because she didn't get to experience the peace I know exists in God. She never found freedom from the pain that haunted her. She is with God now and she can finally have the peace and the love that she deserved but never received. But it still hurts like - I don't know - indescribable. This gift God has given me, it hurts. I wonder why he gave it to me, why he thinks I am worthy to feel the suffering of others. I wouldn't want to say to God, "I don't want this gift, it hurts too much, take it back." But it does hurt, in a deep down, no words, no description kind of way. The only thing to do is to bring it to God, minute by minute if I have to. I do know that I can run to him and he will be there, with open arms. No one will ever convince me otherwise. I have felt his presence. I know his peace. In seeking support tonight for my hurting self, I went to STEP. The song they sang at worship was The More I Seek You. It was so right for my hurting heart tonight. I'll wrap up with the comfort I found in these words.

The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You
I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe, feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep, it's more that I can stand
I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming

Perspective

I had a busy week again last week. Lots of deadlines and back and forth emails to perfect something. At times it got really frustrating - the one more thing to add, the changed minds once it was added, the lack of materials to work with... But then sitting in church, I realized I should not get so frustrated about this thing. God has graced me with the opportunity to use my talents for him. Talents I would not have if it had not been for a move here and the current job I hold. The current job that involves so much job dissatisfaction with the way things are done, but where I have developed relationship with students and God has used me to bless them. The current area we live in which continues to boggle my mind, but without this place I would never have the peace I have now.

I know this is rambling, but I am beginning to see the blessings in the midst of the trials. I can see all the good that has come out of this place, this job, this current life situation. Now I am just waiting in anticipation for the answers to our current life decision. Then, I can do what needs to be done to make plans for whichever way God leads me. (It would be nice if it happened more quickly though, the waiting is frustrating the heck out of me!)

By the way - more blessings in the form of three birthdays for three very loved children. Happy b-day M, M & W! Love you forever!