Transformation

As I unpacked chapter 5 in How People Grow this week, a lot of stuff I didn't even know I still had inside of me came to the surface. My emotions are very raw right now as I have been dealing with new memories. So to figure out where my lack of trust comes into play was just one more thing added to the mix. I don't know what to do with the stuff I am dealing with now, let alone adding something else on top of it all. I figured out that I have not given a certain situation over to God, nor do I fully grasp where he was in certain situations. Wrestling with God over doubts is so hard. I end up with peace, but I don't always have the questions answered. It would be nice if God gave it to me in a nice little package. Here is your question - here is the answer. It would be nice if it all made sense. It would be nice if I weren't stumbling around in the darkness. It would be nice to not feel this pain. But we don't live in a nice world. We live in a world infected by sin where the devil wanders around seeking whom he may devour. He wants to keep me in a state of emotional distress. He wants me to dwell on the unanswerable questions. He wants to mess with my faith. So even though I don't have all the answers, and I know I won't this side of heaven, I will continue to walk.

Transformation comes through pain. Precious gemstones become that way through the unbearable pressure of the the earth pushing them and forming them into something else. Precious metal becomes that way by burning out the impurities in the roaring hot fire. My heart is changed - transformed - through suffering. I have two choices. Trust in God and grow through the pain. Or turn my back on God and his ways and be stuck in my pain. I don't like the growth process one bit. I wish it was easier, but I know the result will be worth the journey. I know that my walk with God, my journey through the muck of my life will be used to help someone else find their way.

Walking the Precipice

Edges, falling, darkness, the unknown... That is how I am feeling right now. I am walking on the edge of an abyss - an abyss of the unknown and of fear. But I keep scooting away, trying not to fall in, trying to hold on to the edge. I hate this feeling. At work, I have to keep on my happy face. Sometimes though, I go into the bathroom and let the tears fall in silence. No one at work sees my pain. Do I share my vulnerability with a few? But then they may think I am unbalanced. Sigh. I hate PTSD. When I am under stress from the outside, the demons on the inside rear their ugly heads. The nightmares come and they not only invade my bed, they invade the day. I feel as if I give in I will fall and never recover. I KNOW that is not true. I KNOW God is with me in the darkest valley. But still I fear knowing more of that which was lost so long ago. I know that once I come out on the other side it will be better. But in the middle, well it just sucks. I just pray that the new memory does not come when Lance is away, or when I am away on my business trips. I pray that I will lean on God and not isolate myself. I pray that I can grow through this. I pray to get through one more day with my students. And I pray for my healer to touch me, wrap his arms around me, and walk me through the valley I must go through.

Looking in the Mirror

Last week in my class we talked about mirrors. In essence, we are holding up a mirror for others to see themselves in. Not the self they glance at in the mirror at home. Not the self that they present to others in their everyday lives, but their real self. In all of its ugliness and in complete truth.

We did an exercise where we had to put in ugly and crooked fake teeth and look at ourselves. Everyone was giggling at how dumb we looked, but underneath it all was a seriousness. I had a hard time looking at myself like that - not because of the teeth, but because of - well, just me, raw before myself. I don't often look in the mirror. Let me clarify. I look in the mirror every day when I brush my teeth, comb my hair, put on my mascara. But I don't look at myself. I don't delve too deeply. For so many years I wore a mask. When I first started my healing journey, I didn't know who the real me was. I spent so many years trying to be someone else. Someone that was not damaged goods - that I had no idea who was really underneath it all. It scared me to death. What if my husband didn't like who I was underneath it all? What if I didn't like myself? What really happened was that I was who I always was, but I just let more of myself be known. I stopped hiding every emotion, fear, etc. I still hide a lot, but not as much as I used to. We had a lunch at work yesterday and instead of getting my food and going back to my room, I sat with the other teachers. I didn't talk. I just listened. (And to be quite honest, judged.) But it was a step toward transparency.

So back to the mirror I will be holding up for someone else. It is scary because it wasn't so long ago someone was holding up a mirror for me to look into. She challenged me to come out and tell the truth of what I was feeling. When she would see the wall go up, she would tell me don't you dare put up that wall, this is a safe place, tell me what is going on. I had to face the ugliness. If I didn't, nothing would ever change. The ugliness would be there, to rear its ugly head in the most inconvenient times, no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was so hard - and sometimes it is still so hard to live my life in truth instead of hiding all the time. But it is freeing. I just think back to when I was a teenager, struggling with my abuse. If there had been someone to hold a mirror up then, well maybe things would have gone a different way. I would like to be that someone for a teenage girl like me. I would like to be that mirror that says even in all of the ugliness inside, you are beautiful. God created you just as you are and you are beautiful inside and out. I would be honored if God would allow me to use my pain to help a struggling girl like me.

Here is a poem I wrote when I was looking back at my teenage self, trying to figure it all out.

face in the mirror

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
the windows of the soul
is this really me

where is the smile
why are the eyes so black
the face so sad
look closer for awhile

the girl has a fragmented soul
the child within
cries for that which was lost
the never ending abuse
has taken its toll

what lies within the heart
the picture cannot hide
a mask worn
the lie falls apart

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
they cry out in pain
will somebody help me?

krt - 11/05

Out of the Boat and Into the Water

Last night I taught on fear at church. It was such an appropriate topic. The topic was picked months ago - before some major things happened at church and before some major things happened in my own life. Isn't it funny how God works that way? So, as I was teaching, I was also teaching myself. My main passage was Matthew 14:23-33. I tied a lot of my ideas into the things I learned in the book If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat. I am taking a step of faith and moving toward what Jesus wants me to do. Sometimes I am scared and sometimes I have perfect peace about it.

I don't know what the next few years will hold as I move towards licensure in counseling. I do know that it won't be easy, but it will be exciting to learn new things. I do know that God will continue to give me people to help. I am constantly amazed at the hurts my students hold. I am truly honored and inspired that they choose to share their stuff with me. I want to be able to help them better and through the learning I will be doing, I think that is possible. I don't know what my job description will look like down the line. I do know that as long as I am working for Jesus, it doesn't matter where I am. (That was a hard lesson learned.)

So last night was bittersweet in so many ways. I will miss my STEP family very much. I know I will see most of them at church on a regular basis. And thank goodness for email. I do hope to go back to STEP; it is in my heart to serve in that area. The coolest thing was that I was so supported by my friends. They all affirmed what God has been telling me and although they were sad I was leaving, they were also sure I was doing the right thing. This morning, I got an email from the college I am interested in. I hadn't heard anything from them yet and I sent off for information a few weeks ago. To me, that was a God thing. It reaffirms my decision. Although I have fears about some of the stuff involved with going back to school, I will take my own advice by taking a step out of the boat and moving toward Jesus. I will spend this weekend getting my application and financial aid paperwork ready. Hopefully, I can start classes in the Spring. I will keep you updated.

God as the source, me as dependant

I just read ch 3 of How People Grow and there was some really good stuff in there. (I am reading this book for a class on biblical counseling I am taking, so we have assigned chapters to read every week.) The chapter was basically about putting God into the big picture, as well as the small stuff.

I'm going to generalize here for a minute. As Christians, we so often put God only in the big picture stuff. We say okay God, you can deal with this and that, but I will take care of everything else. We need to depend on God for it all. But what exactly does that mean. When I was little, my mother always had derogatory words to say about a lady she knew. The lady depended on God for everything, including fixing her washer. It sticks in my head because my mother was so mean about the lady and said things like, "How stupid is it to think that God will fix your washer." She said it with total contempt and venom in her voice. I think some of my attitude comes from that. Will God fix the washer? He may send someone to fix it. But he may also expect us to use our brains and call a washer repair person. I know my mother's attitude was wrong, but where is the line? When it comes to the small stuff, how much do we depend on God? How much do we take care of things ourselves? I am not sure where the balance is.

To get personal, I have learned that I can depend on God, but I don't depend on him for everything. I am slowly giving over areas of my life to God, but more often than not, I take something back that I have decided to let him handle. I think the hardest thing for me to give up to his power will be my relationships. It is scary to trust God with that and open myself up to total vulnerability in my relationships and to God. But I will be taking one step at a time. God has convicted me of some big things in this area and I need to follow that conviction. I need to give over my trust issues in this area to God. Experience tells me it will be more than I could have imagined. Life and my childhood tells me to hold back. But holding back means staying stuck and not knowing what God can really do with my relationships if I let him. Therefore, with small steps, and trust in what I know of God, I will move forward.

Thankful for sleep

Last night I actually slept, and not fitfully, but deeply. So to whoever out there that is praying for me during this time, thank you! I really needed to be refreshed in body.

I was talking with my husband about how I feel right now. When the memories come, I have to relive all of the pain and emotion that went along with the memory. It is beyond yucky and, in myself, I do not want to go there. Who in their right mind willingly goes into pain? But through the pain comes growth. Through the refiners fire comes purified gold. Through the ashes comes beauty. Knowing this and living it are two different things though.

The way that my memories usually work is that I am in a completely relaxed state, like waking up in the middle of the night. Then I have a flashback. It is like a movie playing in my head. First, I just get a glimpse. It used to be I would just live in terror because I couldn't understand what was scaring me so badly. But now that I recognize what is happening, I usually get a glimpse of something that happened. I have to open myself up to what will come or I will get myself into a state of fear over the unknown. After a time period, the entire memory comes through a flashback. I see a movie of myself and whatever was happening. Except I am not an observer. I am the participant. It is strange because I am watching the scene, yet in the scene at the same time. Anyway, last year, after some really hard work on some of my worst memories, a recurring nightmare/flashback I was having went away. I dealt with it and now it is gone. The night before last, I woke up screaming. It has been a long time since that happened. It scared the heck out of my husband because he was sound asleep. I got a picture in my head of a place, but not much else. Although I was scared, I just tried to be open to the memory. I asked God to show me what I needed to know and to give me the strength to get through it. I know that he will. One of the things that happens when the memories return is that parts of my body that were effected - well, they experience whatever was happening at the time, for lack of a better description. For example, I feel like I am being choked, or something is stuck in my throat and I throw up. Before my big memory came last year, I threw up in the shower every day for months. Once the memory came, I realized why I was having that reaction. Like the glimpses, I have learned to understand the body memories. That doesn't mean I like them. To ache, or hurt, in a certain part of my body that has no physical reason whatsoever to hurt, is really disconcerting. I am hoping that I get through this memory soon, so I can just move on with my life. I do not like being stuck in the muck of my past. I would like to get past the gunk and move forward with God's grace.

I think that since I slept so well last night, I will be able to move forward more easily. At least I won't be in the cycle of sleep deprivation that usually accompanies these learning portions of my life. Time to face my day with the knowledge that even here, God is with me.

Walking Through the Valley

Once again, I find myself walking through the valley of fear, loss of trust, and pain. It is ironic because I will be teaching on fear next week. Strange how God works that out isn't it? Anyway, although I fear knowing the new memory, I know that once I get through the other side, it will be better. No matter how bad the memory is - and I am prepared for it to be bad, the ones that have surfaced after so many years always are - the unknown is worse. I used to lay in my bed in total and paralyzing fear after a nightmare or a glimpse of the past. Now, I get the glimpse, and although I am fearful, I pray and ask Jesus to help me through. I ask Him to help me know what it is I need to know. And most importantly, I ask Him to walk beside me through the valley. Even though I do not know the details of what the next few days/weeks will bring, I do know that Jesus will be there beside me as I delve into the muck of my past.

Last night at church, I shared with my group some of what I have been going through this week. I couldn't believe I shared, I am usually super private about personal pain. I think God is preparing me to be open about the abuse. How else will I be able to get my book published? But it was super hard. I was crying and trying not to just lose it. I was really on the verge of just totally breaking down, but I really felt like I needed to keep some control. Was that me and my control issues, or was that God saying, "It's okay to share just a part?" Anyway, I was crying and shaking so badly I could hardly talk. I hate when my memories, and talking about my memories, effects me that way. It is uncomfortable and painful and horrible. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the feeling that I am three years old again being used for someones evil desires. Because that is where the memories put me - back in tree house, in a tub, in a bed, being used and then discarded. It is a horrible place to be. I know some people have talked about how it gets easier. It seems like since I actually allowed myself to feel these things, the new memories do not get any easier. How I cope with them is better because I know God is with me and so I feel loved and protected in the present. But my body and my emotions seem to be reliving the pain. Sigh.

Through all this, I wonder how I will face the next several years of digging into counseling. Has my life up to this point prepared me to deal with all of the triggers that will come up? Will I be effective as a counselor? Will I be able to use my pain to help someone who is hurting? Right now, when I am mired in my own stuff, I don't see how I can help anyone. What if someone tells me something that triggers a memory for me? Will I shake and throw up like I do when the body memories come back so strongly? What I am feeling, a little bit, is run away, you can't do this. I know that is Satan. He does not want me to use my pain to help others. He does not want me to walk this road. He tells me it is too scary. There is too much to fear. But I will listen to the voice of truth. I will trust in God and I will not be afraid. The voice of truth tells me I can do this, this is the right path, and God has great things in store if I trust and obey.

So with a still heavy and somewhat fearful heart, I will move forward through this day and the next and the next. When the memory comes fully, God will be with me and I will be in pain. But I will not be alone. That is all that matters in the big picture anyway.

Triggers

I had briefly heard on the news about the little girl who was molested and someone found a recording. But last night I saw the story. They arrested the guy. The girl was three when it happened. That triggered something for me because I was three the first time I remember being molested. My heart went out to the little girl. So often, I have hardened myself when I hear news stories. It is the only way to function it seems. It breaks my heart so badly that if I didn't tune out the stories I would be a mess. But this one touched home in a big way. My visceral reaction was that I wanted to kill the ... I wanted to rip his eyeballs out of his head. I wanted to rant and rave in his face about the pain she will have to go through the rest of her life because of his selfish and evil desires. That particular evil breaks my heart as it must break the heart of God. But I don't think I react in a very godly way. In the moment, I want revenge for her hurt, and for my hurt. I still can't see that God could love someone like that. It is really a good thing that I am not God.

Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, the picture from the news came into my head. Since I just really dug into the memories from my first experience last year, I guess it is still pretty fresh. I remember the horror and confusion of that event as if it just happened. The fact that she was three must have been what triggered the storm of emotions for me. To make matters worse, there was a storm last night. I have been terrified of storms for as long as I can remember. But there is one instance where I remember being on the porch watching a storm. I was not scared, but fascinated with all of the colors in the clouds and the way the lightening danced across the sky. The way my body reacts to storms now lets me know that something bad happened during a storm. I had a glimpse last night of that memory. All I wanted to do was push it away because it seemed too much on top of my emotions about the little girl. I prayed, asking God not now. He honored my prayer. I have only the one glimpse, but I know there is more to come. From the hard work I went through last year, and reliving those moments of horror and pain, I know this will probably be the same. The worst memories are the last to surface. However, it is a necessary path to freedom from my past. God was with me every step of the way on my journey of healing and he was with me last night. I asked him to just let me be vulnerable and open to trust at that moment. I let me husband hold me while I tried to sleep. Every time I woke up, my husband reached out to touch me, letting me know he was there. That was something I really needed last night.

So now, I must face the day, with sadness in my heart and a new memory on its way. Yet at the same time, I must be present for my family and my job. Lord, help me through this day. Be present with me as I walk this valley. Hold me as I face this new memory. And God, help me to see evil as you see it. Something to be hated, but not hating the person.