Thankful for sleep

Last night I actually slept, and not fitfully, but deeply. So to whoever out there that is praying for me during this time, thank you! I really needed to be refreshed in body.

I was talking with my husband about how I feel right now. When the memories come, I have to relive all of the pain and emotion that went along with the memory. It is beyond yucky and, in myself, I do not want to go there. Who in their right mind willingly goes into pain? But through the pain comes growth. Through the refiners fire comes purified gold. Through the ashes comes beauty. Knowing this and living it are two different things though.

The way that my memories usually work is that I am in a completely relaxed state, like waking up in the middle of the night. Then I have a flashback. It is like a movie playing in my head. First, I just get a glimpse. It used to be I would just live in terror because I couldn't understand what was scaring me so badly. But now that I recognize what is happening, I usually get a glimpse of something that happened. I have to open myself up to what will come or I will get myself into a state of fear over the unknown. After a time period, the entire memory comes through a flashback. I see a movie of myself and whatever was happening. Except I am not an observer. I am the participant. It is strange because I am watching the scene, yet in the scene at the same time. Anyway, last year, after some really hard work on some of my worst memories, a recurring nightmare/flashback I was having went away. I dealt with it and now it is gone. The night before last, I woke up screaming. It has been a long time since that happened. It scared the heck out of my husband because he was sound asleep. I got a picture in my head of a place, but not much else. Although I was scared, I just tried to be open to the memory. I asked God to show me what I needed to know and to give me the strength to get through it. I know that he will. One of the things that happens when the memories return is that parts of my body that were effected - well, they experience whatever was happening at the time, for lack of a better description. For example, I feel like I am being choked, or something is stuck in my throat and I throw up. Before my big memory came last year, I threw up in the shower every day for months. Once the memory came, I realized why I was having that reaction. Like the glimpses, I have learned to understand the body memories. That doesn't mean I like them. To ache, or hurt, in a certain part of my body that has no physical reason whatsoever to hurt, is really disconcerting. I am hoping that I get through this memory soon, so I can just move on with my life. I do not like being stuck in the muck of my past. I would like to get past the gunk and move forward with God's grace.

I think that since I slept so well last night, I will be able to move forward more easily. At least I won't be in the cycle of sleep deprivation that usually accompanies these learning portions of my life. Time to face my day with the knowledge that even here, God is with me.