Do I seem distant to you?
Take no offense -
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
Each of you adds to my understanding
of myself, of my world
but small doses are required
too many voices, the cacophony in my head overwhelms
I need to escape from the pounding din of activity
to the solitude of myself
so I can re-charge for the togetherness
that is required on this journey of outside my box
A lifetime spent in hiding from my reality
hiding the truth, the secrets, the lies
has not prepared me well for the world
I’m moving toward you, but slowly…
The solitude I seek heals me
I turn inward, reflect, listen, feel -
so I can move toward you as myself
it keeps the cacophony in my head from overwhelming
so if I seem distant
understand how far I’ve come
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
I wrote this as a response to the feelings I am having being away from home and with a group of virtual strangers for two weeks. It is an explanation as well as a way to explore myself further.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Secrets
I am taking a new course, Marriage and Family Systems. As part of the course, we had to create a three generation genogram of our family - it is a kind of map that includes family tree information as well as relationship, illnesses, addictions, abuse issues, etc. Because I will be gone to TX for two weeks I have been working feverishly since the class opened on Friday. Yesterday was the official start of class and I've finished three assignments so far. I knew from looking at the genogram assignment that it would be difficult on many levels. This is my first exposure to genograms so I had to learn about them as well as work with a downloaded trial software that I've never used before. I ended up re-doing the genogram several times because I couldn't get it to look the way I wanted it to. (Ah, the joys of perfectionism.)
Part of the assignment is to figure out dates and occupations and such. I know next to nothing about my father's family so I needed the assistance of my mother. It was easier than I thought it would be and she was very cooperative. Perhaps it is easier for her now because of the questions I have been asking the past several years. Anyway, she was very open and very helpful, which was awesome. In figuring out my father's date of birth, I went by what it says on my birth certificate, figuring his date of birth to be 1923. As I was relating his age at my birth, my mom said that was wrong, he was older than that. We left that issue alone to move on to other parts of the genogram. When she was looking at her security clearance papers for Lockheed, she came across more information on my father. He was born in 1915, not 1923. That would make him 50 when I was born, not the 42 he stated. I commented to my mother that was a stupid thing to lie about, but that his whole life had been about secrets. He had this whole other family I never knew about until after his death, and then a few years ago when I started digging in with my mother I learned about more secrets.
So, I'm left with knowing a little more than before, but there are still huge holes and many secrets that I'm not even sure I want to know. It makes me wonder about the secrets I keep in my own life. In my young adulthood, I kept a secret that almost destroyed two lives. In looking at the genogram, I can see the familial patterns, although I didn't even know that there were similar types of secrets at the time. I have thankfully been offered forgiveness for my secret and that taught me the power of the truth. From that day forward, there have been no secrets and no lies on my part. But sometimes, I still want to keep secrets from God. As if that works anyway. I want to keep secrets from God about my fears and my thoughts. Sometimes, I still feel as if God only knew the real me, he wouldn't love me anymore. Then I have to remind myself that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. He loves me in all of my fallibility. I am so thankful for that. It is strange to see how the patterns (or generational curses) have infiltrated so many levels of my family. Doing the genogram helped me to see the damage that those curses have caused in so many lives. Although it wasn't required, I added when I became a Christian under my name. Although I've failed miserably many times since that decision was made, I know that was the one decision that has made all of the difference. That, more than anything else has made me who I am today. It allowed me the grace to break the generational curses and to heal from the damage of those curses.
Part of the assignment is to figure out dates and occupations and such. I know next to nothing about my father's family so I needed the assistance of my mother. It was easier than I thought it would be and she was very cooperative. Perhaps it is easier for her now because of the questions I have been asking the past several years. Anyway, she was very open and very helpful, which was awesome. In figuring out my father's date of birth, I went by what it says on my birth certificate, figuring his date of birth to be 1923. As I was relating his age at my birth, my mom said that was wrong, he was older than that. We left that issue alone to move on to other parts of the genogram. When she was looking at her security clearance papers for Lockheed, she came across more information on my father. He was born in 1915, not 1923. That would make him 50 when I was born, not the 42 he stated. I commented to my mother that was a stupid thing to lie about, but that his whole life had been about secrets. He had this whole other family I never knew about until after his death, and then a few years ago when I started digging in with my mother I learned about more secrets.
So, I'm left with knowing a little more than before, but there are still huge holes and many secrets that I'm not even sure I want to know. It makes me wonder about the secrets I keep in my own life. In my young adulthood, I kept a secret that almost destroyed two lives. In looking at the genogram, I can see the familial patterns, although I didn't even know that there were similar types of secrets at the time. I have thankfully been offered forgiveness for my secret and that taught me the power of the truth. From that day forward, there have been no secrets and no lies on my part. But sometimes, I still want to keep secrets from God. As if that works anyway. I want to keep secrets from God about my fears and my thoughts. Sometimes, I still feel as if God only knew the real me, he wouldn't love me anymore. Then I have to remind myself that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. He loves me in all of my fallibility. I am so thankful for that. It is strange to see how the patterns (or generational curses) have infiltrated so many levels of my family. Doing the genogram helped me to see the damage that those curses have caused in so many lives. Although it wasn't required, I added when I became a Christian under my name. Although I've failed miserably many times since that decision was made, I know that was the one decision that has made all of the difference. That, more than anything else has made me who I am today. It allowed me the grace to break the generational curses and to heal from the damage of those curses.
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