Rejected... but not really

Yesterday I worked kind of late, then when I got home, I had a message on my machine. It was the editor from the publisher I submitted my book to. She told me that they would be unable to publish the book, but she wanted to speak with me. Since it was late, I could not call as she was on the East coast. So we ate a quick dinner, went to a parenting thing at church, and came home. I actually slept fairly well, considering.

This morning, when I woke up, I was so tired from the week and staying out late last night. But then I remembered I had an important phone call to make. So I got ready and went into my office to make the phone call. I whispered a quick prayer as the phone rang. She picked up right away. At first, she wanted to explain why my book had been rejected. I assured her that we were kind of expecting that, since that publishing house doesn't really deal with my type of story. I was just happy to have had my story actually read. She gave me lots of advice:
- Start a website with different things on it: information page, resources, comment area, articles, and blog area. I'm not sure if this particular forum counts as the type of blog she was referring to???
- Submit some articles to magazines such as Guideposts.
- Add more hope at the end of the story... I actually think I will just write the part 2 of the story, which may end up being the first thing I publish? The only problem is when to write - between my family, church, and work, there isn't much time left over.

She also gave me a couple of publishers to contact, so I will try that. She felt that the book would only be for a very specific audience: women who have been sexually abused. She believes that pastors won't read it, because it is too hard to accept that reality, counselors won't read it because they have heard it all, and even abuse victims will have a hard time with it. I really didn't think it was that graphic. I tried very hard to not make it graphic. Because it is my life and I lived it, I guess it doesn't seem as bad to me as it does to others. It is hard to see it from that perspective. I do; however, think the audience is wider. Look at "A Child Called It". Tons of people, that had never been abused by their parents, read that book. So although I value her input as a professional, I think that the audience may be somewhat wider. I will just keep submitting to different publishers and see what happens.

I do believe my story is important and I do think that the truth needs to be told. Too many victims fall by the wayside because sexual abuse is still shrouded in secrecy. The stigma re-victimizes. It should not be that way. If my story brings healing to one person, or allows one person to escape a life of abuse, that will be a beginning. Until sexual abuse is no longer shameful for the victim, until the cycle is stopped, until the enormity of the problem is acknowledged, I cannot give up on my dream. God gave me this dream and through his strength, I will help the helpless. It is my holy discontent, and I will not let go of it until my last breath.

Watering the Seeds

I just finished my first week of school. I have started a new thing where I introduce myself to my students the first day of school. I have very few pictures of myself as a child and I tell the kids straight out that I had a bad childhood and that if I can overcome my past, so can they. I then have them write a little about their families and themselves for their first assignment. A few of the students, in their writing, thanked me for sharing and told me that what I said made me seem more human and that they appreciated my honesty. So that was awesome.

Then, on Thursday, a young lady was in my class talking with me. This is going to be my second year as her teacher. I gave her an opening to talk about some of things I had heard her mention about her family the past year. She surprised me by totally opening up to me. I feel so blessed when my students have that level of trust with me. I cannot change her situation, but I hope that just being a willing listener, she knows that she has someone she can share with. I am sure that God will bless the relationship, as he has so many times in the past few years. So thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this young woman's journey. Help me to give her sound advice and point her towards you.

New Directions

Lately, I feel been feeling rather “on edge”. My book being out there, as in with a publisher, has brought so many things to the forefront of my mind. I am waiting on the Lord in breathless anticipation of what will happen with the book. I wonder how I will feel if they want to publish, or if they don’t want to publish. The fact that it happened so quickly surprised a lot of people, including me. One of my friends encouraged me last night at church. She told me that even if they don’t accept my manuscript to keep trying. I will keep trying because too many people believe that my story is important and that it can help others. But I still wonder how I will feel. I have learned not to take too much stock in my feelings, because they are fleeting. What I have learned to do with them is to acknowledge and accept them, not push them away as invalid or weak.

I have been thinking a lot about what I will write next. My pastor encouraged me to continue the story. I think I would like to start with going back to college, because that is when I really started to work on my stuff and face all of the consequences of the abuse. It is amazing how much clarity God brings to my mind when I write. All the details play in my head like a movie. Sometimes, well oftentimes really, it is disconcerting - especially when I am recalling certain episodes or memories of the abuse. Writing, although an outlet for those feelings; brings them back to the surface where they must be dealt with. I have many tools now to deal with those feelings, but it still gives me the “on edge” feeling. I have lots of nightmares. I have learned through counseling and STEP to not push those feelings away, but rather to explore them in a prayerful attitude. I call on God, and He is there, right with me as I experience some terror related to my childhood. He comforts me and I know that by allowing myself to become weak, he will walk me through the valley of the shadow of death. Speaking of death, it no longer seems the preferable option to dealing with the after effects of abuse. Thinking of dying used to be the only out I could see from the torment of my memories. That is no longer the case. I have hope and I have peace that I never thought I would have. It has taken hard work on my part. It was not a miraculous cure. God did not bring instant healing, although He could have. Instead, He chose to give me people in my life to help me through the tough times. By being obedient to Him, by crawling around in the pit, and turning to God in the big and little things, He has grown me beyond my expectations. It’s ironic how that works. By turning over my life to God, admitting my weakness, I actually gain strength.

Although I am living in a state of expectation right now, I am not stressed or freaked out about what will happen. I do trust that the outcome is in God’s hands. It is a new and exciting place for me to be.

Back to School

I just finished my first two days. Because we have an A-B schedule (we meet with students every other day), it is actually two first days of school instead of one. For the most part, both days were fine. No students stand out, one way or the other at this point. That is always good.

I have had to revise my whole curriculum because we got new software. I am glad for the new software, but the learning curve will be steep. I usually start with one program, but I will start with a different one until I figure out the resources available for teaching the new software. So I feel kind of rushed, trying to get everything all figured out. I guess I just need a few days to get back into the swing of the school year.

As far as my attitude goes; it will be a struggle. There are so many little things that just drive me crazy. Inefficiency seems to be the standard operating mode. The facility is not clean or taken care of. Today when I drove into the parking lot, there was a huge pond. In a few weeks, it will be a frozen pond. They were supposed to fix the drain last year, but alas, that did not happen. It is just little things like that which build on each other and tire me out. However, I will continue to give my days to God, asking for His strength to get through the day. My most important job is my students. I would like to be a good example to them this year instead of the stressed out/burned out negative person I was last year. I still do hope I don't have to stay there forever. I will continue to do my best while there, but still look for a new job somewhere else.

On a happier note, at least I do not have to do both the newspaper and the yearbook this year. Taking away the newspaper relieved a lot of stress and will make my year easier.

Exposure to the Right Things

Last night's teaching at church was really good. One thing really stuck with me. "It's not just about protecting your children from the wrong things, it is about exposing them to the right things."

As a parent, I want to protect my children from all that is bad in the world. But if they are completely insulated, how will they learn? They must see poverty and disease and even wickedness in order to grow in Christ and do the right things with their lives. We are so far removed from everyday realities that nothing pulls at our hearts. I can relate it to the book, Holy Discontent. If you never see any need, how can you address that need? How can you have a holy discontent?

I think that God, as my parent, wants to expose me to the right things. For so long, I mostly avoided anything to do with abuse because it was so painful. But God can use the pain and turn it into my holy discontent. I cannot be content with children being abused, more and more I feel the need to do something. I'm not sure what that something is yet, but it is there and it is growing.

Romans 8:28 tells me, "that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, and who have been called according to His purpose." God didn't cause my pain, but He can use it. He can take evil horrible situations and through us, use them for His glory. His purpose is fulfilled in what I do with my exposure to the right things. Do I sit back and let someone else try to right the wrongs? Or, do I grab a hold of my holy discontent and do something with it? His purpose is worked out in my helping others. Not sitting back, not hiding in my pain, not being afraid to step out in faith. God can use my pain and although it is scary, I am willing to let Him take me down a new path - one that helps others and brings His purpose for me to perfect fulfillment.

First Day Back

August 22 was my official first day back to school for teachers, although I have been in since Monday. There is always so much to be done and not enough time to do it in. We got a new computer system for grades and attendance and I was asked to be one of the trainers. So armed with a PowerPoint, and paitence, I set out to help teachers get into the 21st century. Some of them barely use email, let alone the computer. Many still do grades by hand, something I cannot even imagine.

I had two opportunties Wednesday. Train them with kindness and grace for their attitude (which is based in fear of change) or treat them as they have treated me. I chose the first option and they seemed very grateful for my help.

I also finally got my computer log in problems fixed, which was awesome. I had been in five times over the summer to install new software in my lab and all I got was the run around. My VP finally put me in touch with the head of computer services and he fixed everything up for me. Yeah!

I am praying for a good year, anticipating that since this is where God wants me, if I walk in that knowledge, He will provide what I need to not only get through the year, but to make it an awesome year. For the first time in two years I am excited about starting school.

Retreat

I just returned from a weekend retreat at Lake Tahoe. The Step ministry leadership team met for a weekend of fellowship, team building, and strengthening our relationship with God. First, is there a more perfect setting for a spiritual retreat than Lake Tahoe? God's beauty surrounds you every moment. For me, being so close to God's creation brings God closer to my heart. I am definitely a nature girl by heart.

So what did I learn? We took personality profiles and it was amazing how correct mine was. I've taken lots of personality profiles before and nothing ever stuck with me like this one. The profile was from a book called "The Four Elements of Success" by Laurie Beth Jones. The elements are Earth, Fire, Water, Wind. I am an Earth-Fire. The main thing I will be working on is how my reserved nature comes off as arrogant or aloof to many people. So I will stepping out of my comfort zone and extending my hand and smile in greeting to those I don't know as well as those I do know. I hold back too much and it will be harder to get my story to people if I am not perceived as approachable. My fellow Earth teammates will be holding me accountable to this goal.

We also took a spiritual gifts assessment. I scored high in administration (surprise, surprise - NOT), faith and discernment. The last two amazed me, as well as showed me in a tangible way how much God has grown me these past few years. I would not have the faith I have now if I had not walked the hard road. God really does grow our character through trials. Now, I can share that I know God will be with people through the darkest days. He is faithful, and I know this not only from reading it in my bible, but from experiencing it. As far as discernment goes, I have had trouble trusting my own feelings and thoughts because I was always told pain wasn't pain, I did not feel that way, molestation was love, and the list goes on. The past several years, people at church have made comments to me about my wisdom and ability to discern the truth about things that happen in group. I won't say that I didn't believe what they told me, but it was hard to accept. However, the more I learn to trust my inner voice, the more I know God is real, the more willing I become to accepting the positive things about myself. So, I was really pleased to know just how much I have grown in those areas of my life. The cool thing is that the more I grow, the more God will give to me to give to others. My spiritual gifts will grow with me.

The last thing we did was to start a personal mission statement. I felt I had a head start on this process because I have been through a mission statement process twice for the school accreditation process. I also have a personal mission statement for my classroom. When I starting the process, I just opened my heart to God. Our assignment was to choose 3 to 4 words from a list that struck us. I probably ended up with about 15, but many of them are closely related. I really felt it was a God thing because it flowed so easily. Most of my words were attached to whole thought. For example, I will help victims through the healing process. Many of my thoughts had to do with taking an active role in helping abuse victims. This leads me to believe that God has plans for me other than what I am doing now. Through my teaching, I have helped about 5 girls over the past 6 1/2 years. That is such a drop in the bucket compared to the statistics. I am excited about where my personal mission statement will lead me. I am waiting on God's plan for me with breathless anticipation. I know he can use my pain for His glory. That is all that matters in the end anyway.

Well, I'm off to my classroom for my first pre-school day of getting ready. More later.

My Story

For the past six years I have been writing my story. The idea was planted when I was 19, sitting in a cafe in downtown Phoenix, during lunch with a friend. I was relating, in a very small part, my childhood and said I would really like to help others who have gone through the same thing. I told him that someday I would write a book about my experiences.

Fast forward 16 years to my first year teaching at Blue Ridge High School. In walks R.E. We made a connection right away. She was also affected by abuse and so we shared stories. Having walked the road longer and having somewhat of a grip on my past (does anyone ever fully have a grip on something so devastating?), I was able to help her deal with day to day issues as well as some of the bigger stuff. I told her of my desire to write a book. She asked me why didn't I just start. She was right. My husband was still in Phoenix wrapping up selling the house and looking for a job in Pinetop. So I had time I would not have otherwise had. I started drafting the story. I looked over old diary entries and poetry I had written during my Freshman year of high school. That was a pivotal year for me in my journey toward healing. I formatted the book as my diary. I would take breaks from writing because the material was obviously difficult. Between working, being a wife and mother, and life in general, I got through my first draft. I didn't delve as deeply as I could have, but I got some of it out. Several of my students that I developed close relationships with read through some of the entries as I finished. I didn't share everything, but enough to know that what I was doing was a good thing.

Fast forward 4 years to my first year teaching in Nevada. For some reason, I opened the computer file and started writing again. I filled in the blanks. My writing was filled with hurt and anger. Through the new process of writing, I joined a survivors group and really tackled some of the hard stuff. I finished the book.

Fast forward another year. Sitting in church, my pastor asked "what does God want you to do right now?" God, in that still small voice, told me to finish my book. I told God in no uncertain terms that I had finished my book. Again, I heard the voice telling me to finish the book. I knew enough about God and his prompting to trust the voice and do what was asked of me. Thus began an intense six month journey in which God brought great healing to me. I was able to use the tools I had for healing, turning to God in my deepest pain, trusting people He had placed in my life, and reworking the book to really reflect the journey from a child of 14 to a woman who has found healing.

I gave my book to my pastor to read and when he finished he told me he wanted to talk to me about it. He basically told me that it had to be published and that he would try to help me down that path. Now although I had a vague idea that someday the book might be published, the reality of it set in and kind of scared me. I have known for a very long time that I wanted to publish the book. My main goal is to help others down the same path I have walked. That would be pretty impossible if the book just sat in my computer and only a few people read it. Still - the reality of my story, my pain, becoming public fodder, well, it is rather frightening. Anyway, with my pastor's help, the book has been sent off to a publisher. So we are praying and waiting to see what God will do. I do believe that God has something for me, something that will turn my pain into His glory through helping others. So for now, I wait in peaceful anticipation for what will come next.

Blooming Where I have been Planted

Well, I found out yesterday that my job search was once again to no avail. That seems to send a strong message to me that I am where I am supposed to be - for the moment anyway. All throughout the leadership seminar, I was applying the principles I learned to what I do in the classroom everyday. Funny how even though I never want to darken that doorway again, it is ingrained in my very being. I actually love the teaching part, and for the majority of the part, the kids. I know I make an impact, and a good impact at that. It is just the extraneous stuff that is hard. So my lesson now is to keep my head up and know that I am working for God. If I can be a light to even one of my students, isn't that what it is all about anyway?

So what did I learn from the leadership summit that I can apply to work? I have been thinking a lot about blooming where I have been planted. It was strongly reinforced for me at the summit. For one, I need to share the vision with my yearbook kids. They need to own it. I think that Bill Hybel's question, "What does God want the church to look like in 5 years?" can apply to my job as well. What does God want the yearbook to look like in 5 years. What does God want my teaching to look like in 5 years? You see, it doesn't matter where you are, as long as you are doing your all for the Lord. Another thing I learned is to celebrate success along the way. Last year, I was so burned out that it was all I could do to get through a day. I know that is not what God wants for me or my students. Marcus Buckingham gave a quote from Anias Nin that I will put up in my classroom "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud became greater than the risk it took to blossom." If that is not related to blooming where I am planted, I don't know what is. Colin Powell talked about a clash of ideas, allowing lots of different flowers to bloom. John Ortberg reminded me that perhaps I have come to my position for such a time as this - read Esther, it is all about blooming. I need to leverage my gifts. God has gifted me with teaching. I need to remember that is my call and my service to Him.

So, what will I do to keep myself motivated? Because I have been unhappy with my position, I have not made my classroom mine. It is like someone else's room. I can't paint it, but I can put paper up all over the wall and decorate. I will put inspirational/motivational sayings up. I will keep books on my shelf that are motivational, that I can read during lunch. I will post some key quotes for myself where I will see them everyday. I will ask key people to keep me accountable for my motivation.

Now all that remains is to see where God will take me this year.

Willow Creek Association Leadership Summit

I had the most amazing opportunity to attend a leadership summit with the staff and some volunteer leaders from my church. We carpooled to Sparks, The Rock church, for the event which was broadcast via satellite. I am still trying to digest what I took away from two and half days of the most intense conference I have ever been to. Imagine, the best seminar/conference you have ever been to, to the 10th power, and add in a spiritual element. That was what it was like for me.

The conference started out with a multi-media presentation on the history of the church. It was so moving and so incredibly well done. It ended with the quote "All of us will write the next chapter." Meaning, I will help write the next chapter of church history. Is my contribution worthy? Probably, this struck me, because I write. Nevertheless, it was a powerful beginning for me.

So what did I learn? Well, one post I am sure will not cover it. I will sum up for now, but I think I will be unpacking the lessons for awhile.

Bill Hybels, A Vision to Die For

• Process the vision with key team members, this gives them a chance to speak into the future. It gives them ownership.
• Vision will leak because life happens. It must be constantly restated and retaught.
• Your followers will take their ownership cue from y0u, they will watch to see your level of commitment.
• Will you be willing to sacrifice deeply for the vision? Are you a hired hand or are you an owner?

Carly Fiorina, Tough Choices

• What you make of yourself is your gift to God.
• Ask the right question and people will learn the right answer.
• Leadership is about seeing and unlocking the potential in people. (Where would I be if others had not seen certain things in me?)
• Create experiences that put people outside of their comfort zone.
• Expect others to develop their own leadership skills.
• Respect for the individual is telling them what you really think.
• There is a gift in everything, if only we will see it.

Marcus Buckingham, Go, Put Your Strengths To Work

• Build around my strengths and manage around my weakness. (Usually one tries to build on their weakness. This is an awesome concept.)
• You only learn about excellence by studying excellence.
• People's strengths are our greatest asset.
• How do you move from using your strength once a week to most of the time?
• Make the best of your job into the most of your job.
• 4 signs of strength:
• S=success
• I=instinct, do you look forward to doing
• G=growth
• N=needs, were you put here to do that thing
• "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anias Nin
• Let tomorrow be a different day than today.

Colin Powell, Leading at the Highest Level

• Allow lots of flowers to bloom and take ideas from everyone.
• Encourage a noisy system.
• Be prepared to disappoint people and make them angry.
• Make sure you have fun along the way.
• Optimism is a force multiplier, i.e. the problem can be solved, we are going to make it.
• Things always look better in the morning - start each day new, tomorrow will be better.
• Trust the element of instinct.
• All of us have a debt of service that we may never be able to repay.

John Ortberg, A Leaders Greatest Fear

• Fear of failure, when a leader fails, it is public knowledge. (Ouch!)
• If we don't embrace a true mission, we will embrace a shadow mission.
• Don't surround yourself with people who will reinforce the shadow mission. People around the leader need to tell the truth!
• "And who knows that you have come to a position for such a time as this." Esther 4:14
• Ask God for clarity and courage to follow the mission to which I am called.
• God is at work behind the scenes and His purpose is certain.
• What is my shadow mission? (More on this later, but it is seeking approval.)

Jimmy Carter, Building Humanity

• Surround yourself with people of integrity and people with the same principles.
• Surround yourself with people that are capable in their own areas. You don't have to be the best at everything.
• We can accommodate changing times, but we must cling to unchanging principles.

Bill Hybels, Whatever You Do, Inspire Me

• Whose job is it to keep a leader motivated? It is your own job to keep your own self motivated. In 1 Samuel 30:6, David went off and encouraged himself in the Lord.
• Stay clear about your calling from God
• Leverage your spiritual gifts in the way God gave them to you.
• Surround myself with inspiring people.
• Read books that are inspirational and motivating.
• Participate in inspiring events.
• Pay attention to physical health.
• Practice daily spiritual disciplines to keep your spirit fresh.
• The best way to motivate those around me is to live a motivated life in front of them.
• Get a list from people of what would inspire them. Celebrate every sign of progress toward shared goals.
• Identify and reduce every demotivating factor.

Well, that was a ton of stuff to process. I would really like to revisit some of it for my own personal growth. I can apply so many of the principles I learned to my personal, spiritual, and work life. All in all, it was an amazing few days and I am so glad I had the opportunity to attend this event.

Here We Go!

I finally broke down and started a blog. Seeing as writing is my passion and I am a tech geek, one would think I would have done it sooner. Somehow, life always got in the way.

I have several goals for myself through this blog.

• To highlight what the Lord is teaching me in my walk with Him
• To explore my thoughts about my writing
• To share some of my writing
• To share the high's and low's of my classroom experiences
• To share recent experiences

I will start with what God has been teaching me. For the past three years, I have been very unhappy in my job. It is not a healthy environment for a Christian and I have struggled with the oppressive environment and the responsibilities of my job. I have had moments of clarity and strength that have carried me through the rough spots. God has been faithful in keeping me sane in the midst of chaos. But still, I struggle and if it were up to me, I would get out of Dodge. I have been actively seeking a new job for the past two years. Thus far, I have been unable to find anything that meets our needs.

A few months ago, I started praying, asking God what it was He wanted me to learn at my job. I figure that since I cannot find something else, there must be a reason that God wants me there, right? So that is the attitude I tried to keep the last few months of school, although it was difficult. A few weeks ago I watched "Facing the Giants" and it totally changed my thinking. In one scene, the coach was told to "Bloom where you have been planted." That is my new mantra and I am going to post it all over my classroom. I know God wants me there for a reason. I know I make a difference to my students. I know this is the calling God has for me right now. So, I will bloom where I have been planted and leave the rest up to God. Who knows what seeds he will plant through my obedience to Him?