A New Chapter

Safe... what does it mean? These are questions I struggle with while tears run silently down my face as I am once again ripped from sleep by nightmares that leave me feeling decidedly unsafe in my own bed.

I have been pondering some deep theological truths lately, in light of the journey God has had me on the past few years. This journey that has been filled with pain and joy, this journey that is leading toward trust. And as I lay in my bed pondering how it all somehow collides together into my life story, I am reminded of the song Lion, by Rebecca St. James. The song relates to The Chronicles of Narnia.  It talks about how Aslan is mysterious and Lucy is scared - wondering if he is safe. She realizes that although the lion Aslan is not safe, he is good. One line says "Wise eyes, you see the core of me." When I compare the journey God has asked me to take to Aslan and what he asks of those who follow him, I am left with the conclusion that what he asks is never safe. In fact, what he asks of his followers is full on risk. Following God may not be what the world considers safe; in fact it looks like folly. In the confusion and fear that followed the nightmare, as I lay pondering yet again what this new piece of the story will look like as it unfolds, I came to understand that although the journey is not safe, it is good.

When I stop to think about it, which I don't do often enough, I am amazed at how God is writing this story. The way that each chapter unfolds adds yet another layer and each chapter had to have the chapter before it in order to make sense. I could not possibly be taking the steps I am now without having gone through previous steps, without the trust that has been slowly building over the past several years as God has asked me to walk through some really hard things. But each step of the way, as unsafe and risky as it was, God met me there and he brought healing I did not know I needed. And so now, he requires more of me. He wishes to write a new chapter and it is called trust. Because I have trust issues. Deep seated trust issues. I have them with people that are barely known to me and those that are closest to me. And honestly, I have them with God. I question why, a lot. Even so, God is patient with me and lovingly shows me that he is trustworthy. Sometimes he shows me through other people, sometimes through his word, sometimes it's a book or a song or simply surrounding myself in nature. But God always shows me one more reason why I can trust him. You'd think that after all these years, when God asks me to do something, I would be able to trust blindly. But the wounds go to the core, where no one but God can see. He knows what it will take to heal those wounds and it is not safe.

Once again I find myself on the precipice of a new journey, as God continues his chapter on trust in my life. God has asked me to take a huge step of faith and forge a new path. He is asking me to once again, take the road less traveled by. And although I know that road has made all the difference, I am scared to my core. The one thing I feel I have learned the last several years is obedience. When I hear God asking me to do something, I still question, but I do it. So several weeks ago, I jumped straight through the door God wanted me to open and this new journey has already been fraught with risk and dare I say it, a total lack of control that I know will lead to a greater trust. Two weeks ago I was joined in prayer asking for the next step. It was crystal clear; as was the fact that I was to get no game plan, no nice outline of the chapter, but rather just the cliffhanger and the rest would be revealed as needed.  Despite my fears, yesterday I took that first step God asked of me. And it was hard. Harder than I feared in fact. But I was able to do it. Maybe because what God knows is that at my core, he built me with a strength that would see me through the pain of remembering. He built me with the strength of a survivor, knowing I would need to count on that strength time and time again. After I plunged over the precipice into the unknown, I was hit with the awesome fact that there were three people in that room with me who love me so much that they are willing to walk this chapter with me, and together we will see how it unfolds. There are no words to describe what that means to someone who has felt utterly alone in this journey. As I lay awake after the nightmare pondering all of these things, it is clear that God is leading me down a new path that will lead to a whole new kind of trust. Truly, I get tied up in knots when I think about trust, that kind of trust, the kind where I bare my soul to others. I'd rather keep it inside and hole myself away surrounded by only me, because then I am safe. But I know that is not true. Life is not safe, nor is the Christian journey. But it is good.

All of these thoughts would not be possible without the devotions I've been reading and without a book that I picked up several weeks ago. I've had the book since Christmas, but never even looked at it, which for me is strange. But God knew. He knew I needed those words at this time in order to help me ponder the deep meaning of trust and how that ties into the story he is writing. He knew I needed to save those words for such a time as this, to strengthen me for what he has asked of me. Because God is not simply asking for my trust —no, he wants much more than simple trust. God is asking me for intimacy, with him as well as those he has placed in my life. My thoughts are honestly, "You've got to be kidding, right?" But no, God is not kidding because truly, God knows what is at the core of me and he knows that what I lack in my life more than anything is true intimacy and all that it requires. Reading the words last night that lead me to that conclusion scared the heck out of me, but also left me with a sense of hope for what God is working in me. As I processed these thoughts, post nightmare, in the wee hours of the morning, I was reminded again of Narnia, The Last Battle, where Aslan keeps prodding the children to come further up and further in. This parallels what God is asking me to do, go further into my journey with him, delve deeper into the heart of trust, which will lead to intimacy.

So much of my life has been shaped by words. They have helped me to escape the pain of my own life by bringing me to other worlds. They have been my constant companion and my friend as I pour my own heart out through them. They have helped me express what I cannot possibly say out loud. Words, sentences, phrases, themes... they all run through my head in a thread that often makes no sense at the beginning, but somehow it unravels to reveal where the journey has taken me and where it will lead me. The words that rattle in my head as tears flow down my face lead to the knowledge that although the journey is not safe, it is good. They let me know that the trust and intimacy God is asking of me will build as I go further up and further in.

07/07/2012

PS - The book that has contributed to some of these thoughts is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I'm beginning a new journey, along with the one referenced above, due to the words in this book. I know that both journeys are inexorably intertwined and I'm sure that there will be a blog post in the future related to this book and the journey it has sparked.

Lessons of obedience

I've been waiting a long time to write this blog post - not sure why I've waited so long. I guess because I wanted to have all of the answers, be able to say "Yes, it's all done, and just look what God has done." But then I wondered, what am I waiting for? Why does the journey have to have an end or be all wrapped up in a pretty pink box as my friend would say. That is just my sense of wanting order or control speaking. The journey is not finished, but then it never is, right?

In 2008, sitting in church, I distinctively heard God whisper to me "Go back to school."  I actually looked to the side to see if my husband had said something to me, but quickly realized that it was God speaking. Honestly, my first reaction was "Are you crazy God? I already have my Masters, why would I go back to school?"  But it was a short lived reaction. By the time church was over and my husband and I were driving home, I was ready to explore the idea. So I told my non-believing husband that I heard God tell me to go back to school, anticipating any reaction besides the one I got - acceptance. Wanting to make sure that I wasn't just following my own desires - although I was pretty sure I wasn't - I sought out accountability from people who know me deeply. I asked them to pray for me as I tried to figure out God's will in this prompting.

Back track to my undergrad years, where the original intention was to seek my degree in secondary education/psychology. Sitting in my Psych 101 class, being confronted with my own Pavlovian conditioned response, I ran from psychology as hard as I could while I sought healing from the demons of my childhood. With that knowledge, I was fairly sure that God was leading me back to that original dream, which actually goes back to a 15 year old girl at camp, sharing her heart with another abuse survivor. After many discussions, prayers, and searching for the right program, I started my journey in the Mental Health Counseling Masters Program.

When I started, I only had what God told me, "Go back to school."  When I sought the answer for which direction I should go or what I would be doing, all I got was silence. If you know me at all, you know that is disconcerting to say the least. God created me to be a planner. I plan everything. I organize everything. I do not fly by the seat of my pants. I drive those around me crazy with my perpetual planning. I drive myself crazy as I often cannot live up to my self imposed deadlines or standards. And God was asking me to trust him blindly, that He would guide my next steps. Trust - a difficulty commodity for an abuse survivor. But I took those first steps of obedience, not knowing where they would lead.

At the time, I was teaching high school, working for a district that at the very least has some issues. I was miserable. I'd been happy as a teacher in AZ. I had a great set of administrators who lead by example. Obviously, there were things that drove me crazy, but overall, I had left the ideal job to move to NV, where it was not the same at all. I hated my job from the beginning. Everything seemed to be dishonest. There was little to no communication and leading by example simply did not happen. Over the course of my eight years in the district, I was always on the prowl for a new job. But good jobs are hard to come by, especially in a rural area. And... God had a purpose in all of it. He was teaching me things like how to lean on him, to give up control of things I cannot control, and to trust that he has the big picture in mind. I was learning to work with all kinds of people and keep my own self out of it. I was learning that with God, I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

At the same time, my own coursework in counseling was bringing up personal demons. I had been doing work on my childhood for many years, but there is a lot of stuff to sort through. Years of abuse are not healed in a year or two - and the intensity of personal healing demands some periods of rest to recover. I dove into my healing with the same intensity I bring to everything. If God was truly sending me on this journey, I was going to trust him to bring me through it. A phrase that I held onto in the most trying times was that God does not only want me to survive, he wants me to thrive. In the midst of the worst personal times, I could literally see God's hand, reaching into the dark recesses of my subconscious and cleaning out things that I never even knew were there. In the worst of it, I knew that I knew that God was with me. I never once felt abandoned or alone. And that built trust. Trust to continue on the journey God had asked me to follow.

With an open mind, I waited for God to guide the next steps. All along this journey of grad school, when God has asked something of me, I said yes. Somewhere along the road, I had learned obedience... at least in this. When I got moved from one school to another, God told me to take a quarter off to give myself time to acclimate to my new surroundings. I listened. When God told me to get into accountability, I said yes and my girls have been there for me every step of the way. When God told me to clean up the messes I made at home by rushing ahead with my own agenda, I did. When God told me I needed to find balance, I figured it out instead of pushing myself to unrealistic schedules. I learned to take time for myself and my family. I learned to communicate better. I learned to listen when God was telling me that I needed to do more personal work - to not run from the hard stuff.

And God has moved in the midst of all of this. God has moved mountains. Over the course of this past year, my husband has been blessed with several unexpected raises. There have been situations in his job where things could have gone horribly wrong. And they have not. Situations where he had no control suddenly seemed to work themselves out. In my own job, the recession has created layoffs every year for the past four years. My job was spared. Recently, we took a huge step of faith. My husband and I decided that I should resign my position with the district. His income would be able to cover most expenses while I focused on finishing up my final year - internships. Again, I have seen God's hand move in that. When I felt like God was telling me I needed to quit my job because there is no way for me to teach and complete my internship hours, I didn't freak out. It's been planned for months and there have been very few moments of fear. When they arise, I just remember how God has moved mountains and met me every step of the way. Finding the internships was filled with ups and downs, but God kept whispering to me, "I got this." (As an English teacher, I find God's sense of phrasing intriguing at times.) Every time something has gone wrong, such as all of the no's because the agency or person was not able to meet the requirements of my program, I would remind myself of that. When I found the perfect site, and it was on the verge of being denied by my program, my friend reminded me of what God has been whispering in my heart, "I got this", and I relaxed and trusted. Within a very short time, I not only found an unsolicited secondary site, but got all of the paperwork done. I've gotten preliminary approval and now both sites are in the process of final approval. Living rural, there aren't a lot of choices for internships. I have found two sites to intern where I will get a great variety of experience - a county agency and a domestic violence group. Both will give me a broad base of knowledge and give me experience in working for an agency. Hopefully, the final approval will come through with no problems, but if it doesn't, I know God has something better for me.

And then on Friday, I got an unsolicited inquiry from a private school inquiring whether I would be interested in talking to them about a job. At first I was inclined to say no, but then I wondered if this was from God. So I emailed back and said, yes, I was interested in speaking with them. Who knows, maybe I will be able to work part time teaching while I complete my internships. If not, God will provide a part time job or maybe even another raise for my husband.

So, I don't have all of the answers yet, but I do have one. God is faithful. When he asks me to do something, he will provide the means to complete it. I still don't know the outcome of this journey. I don't have a plan of where or what my dream job will be. I only know that God will tell me when it is time. And that is something that I trust.