Looking in the Mirror

Last week in my class we talked about mirrors. In essence, we are holding up a mirror for others to see themselves in. Not the self they glance at in the mirror at home. Not the self that they present to others in their everyday lives, but their real self. In all of its ugliness and in complete truth.

We did an exercise where we had to put in ugly and crooked fake teeth and look at ourselves. Everyone was giggling at how dumb we looked, but underneath it all was a seriousness. I had a hard time looking at myself like that - not because of the teeth, but because of - well, just me, raw before myself. I don't often look in the mirror. Let me clarify. I look in the mirror every day when I brush my teeth, comb my hair, put on my mascara. But I don't look at myself. I don't delve too deeply. For so many years I wore a mask. When I first started my healing journey, I didn't know who the real me was. I spent so many years trying to be someone else. Someone that was not damaged goods - that I had no idea who was really underneath it all. It scared me to death. What if my husband didn't like who I was underneath it all? What if I didn't like myself? What really happened was that I was who I always was, but I just let more of myself be known. I stopped hiding every emotion, fear, etc. I still hide a lot, but not as much as I used to. We had a lunch at work yesterday and instead of getting my food and going back to my room, I sat with the other teachers. I didn't talk. I just listened. (And to be quite honest, judged.) But it was a step toward transparency.

So back to the mirror I will be holding up for someone else. It is scary because it wasn't so long ago someone was holding up a mirror for me to look into. She challenged me to come out and tell the truth of what I was feeling. When she would see the wall go up, she would tell me don't you dare put up that wall, this is a safe place, tell me what is going on. I had to face the ugliness. If I didn't, nothing would ever change. The ugliness would be there, to rear its ugly head in the most inconvenient times, no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was so hard - and sometimes it is still so hard to live my life in truth instead of hiding all the time. But it is freeing. I just think back to when I was a teenager, struggling with my abuse. If there had been someone to hold a mirror up then, well maybe things would have gone a different way. I would like to be that someone for a teenage girl like me. I would like to be that mirror that says even in all of the ugliness inside, you are beautiful. God created you just as you are and you are beautiful inside and out. I would be honored if God would allow me to use my pain to help a struggling girl like me.

Here is a poem I wrote when I was looking back at my teenage self, trying to figure it all out.

face in the mirror

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
the windows of the soul
is this really me

where is the smile
why are the eyes so black
the face so sad
look closer for awhile

the girl has a fragmented soul
the child within
cries for that which was lost
the never ending abuse
has taken its toll

what lies within the heart
the picture cannot hide
a mask worn
the lie falls apart

who is this girl i see
look deep into the eyes
they cry out in pain
will somebody help me?

krt - 11/05