I have been pondering about perspective a lot lately. Perhaps it is the class I am taking or perhaps I am taking this class now because God knew it would fit with my growth pattern. Anyway, this week we have been discussing positive psychology and whether or not it influences personality. There have been some profound statements from my classmates and other statements that I consider to be really out there. It is based on my perspective.
A while back at church, our pastor did a series on worldview. I now carry a Christian worldview or perspective; however, I struggle against the humanistic worldview that reflects my upbringing. When I mentioned this struggle to my husband, he was surprised and said he didn’t see that in me at all. So, do I do a good job of hiding it, or am I truly giving that part of me to God and let Him help me through those struggles? It’s probably a little of both.
My perspective on me has changed so much over the past decade. When I first went to group counseling for the abuse, I tried to bring my faith into the process, but it was discouraged. Without a strong church support, I just tried to learn as much as I could. I gave everything I had to the process, and I did experience growth. However, I did not experience healing. I learned tools to deal with the pain, but the pain was not healed. I learned self-empowerment, but not submission to my Lord. I learned to manage the nightmares, the body memories, the flashbacks, but I was not free.
The next time that I pursued counseling for the abuse it was through a recovery group at church. Although I was scared to go down this road again, I felt the push to dive in. The last time was awful. I turned to anti-depressants; I pretty much did what I had to do to get through the day. But so much suffered: my marriage, my kids, my faith. When I thought about joining the survivor group at church, I had a long talk with my husband first. He felt that he almost lost me from the last foray into my past. In his love for me, he encouraged me to go forward, knowing it may again cause a disconnect as I delved into the pain. Looking back, with a new perspective, I see that it is the fact that God was in the midst of this process that made all the difference. As Frost would say, it was the road chosen. I not only learned about the destructive patterns I had that were symptomatic of the abuse, I learned how to give those patterns to God. Learning to trust again was huge. It was overwhelming and seemed impossible. I would sit in church and sob, wondering if the pain inside would ever really be gone. Slowly, the miracle occurred. There are moments of epiphany I can point to, moments of holding on for dear life, and seasons of putting one foot in front of the other and taking one step at a time. It all led to the place I am now; on a new journey of helping others walk the same path. My perspective has changed, and I thank God that I took His road, the road less traveled.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
We create our own realities
In our class discussion this week, we are focusing on self-efficacy, motivation, and self-esteem from a social-cognitive and behavioral perspective. One of my classmates, Melissa, wrote this at the end of her post:
"All in all, we humans tend to create our own "suffering" based on the perceptions, reactions, and acceptance levels of situations."
I found that to be a profound statement of truth. No matter the circumstances, most of us can create our own brand of suffering. Obviously, there is suffering in our world and many people are truly victims of others. However, I am learning more and more that once we are aware of our stuff, it is what we do with it. Often, we hold on to the past and thus "create our own suffering". We choose to identify ourselves with our pain, our perceptions, our unrealistic expectations. And we suffer because of our stinking thinking.
If I'm honest, I still have areas where I create my own suffering. For instance, in my workplace I find it easy to take the "poor me" attitude. Yes, things are often unfair and the culture there is skewed toward time in rather than performance. However, God has placed me there for a reason. So, do I complain or do I serve? The choice is mine. The choice to suffer is mine as well. When I focus on the negatives instead of serving, I am choosing to suffer.
I know what it is to suffer, to be a victim, to be stuck in being a victim. I also know the freedom I have found through changing my perspective and choosing not to be stuck in my suffering. I know the freedom that is only found in forgiveness; forgiving others and accepting forgiveness for myself. I know the peace that comes from letting go and giving it to God. Some days, I don't do so well at this. But overall, there is progress. There is peace that I never could have imagined. The struggle through the valley and learning how to trust again; it was worth it. It was so worth it.
"All in all, we humans tend to create our own "suffering" based on the perceptions, reactions, and acceptance levels of situations."
I found that to be a profound statement of truth. No matter the circumstances, most of us can create our own brand of suffering. Obviously, there is suffering in our world and many people are truly victims of others. However, I am learning more and more that once we are aware of our stuff, it is what we do with it. Often, we hold on to the past and thus "create our own suffering". We choose to identify ourselves with our pain, our perceptions, our unrealistic expectations. And we suffer because of our stinking thinking.
If I'm honest, I still have areas where I create my own suffering. For instance, in my workplace I find it easy to take the "poor me" attitude. Yes, things are often unfair and the culture there is skewed toward time in rather than performance. However, God has placed me there for a reason. So, do I complain or do I serve? The choice is mine. The choice to suffer is mine as well. When I focus on the negatives instead of serving, I am choosing to suffer.
I know what it is to suffer, to be a victim, to be stuck in being a victim. I also know the freedom I have found through changing my perspective and choosing not to be stuck in my suffering. I know the freedom that is only found in forgiveness; forgiving others and accepting forgiveness for myself. I know the peace that comes from letting go and giving it to God. Some days, I don't do so well at this. But overall, there is progress. There is peace that I never could have imagined. The struggle through the valley and learning how to trust again; it was worth it. It was so worth it.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Jenny
In my new class on personality, we have to pick a movie to watch and analyze the chosen character according to the personality theories we are learning about. From the list, I chose to watch Forrest Gump and analyze Jenny.
The first time I ever saw the movie, I tried to ignore the obvious about Jenny, but the scene where she throws her shoes and rocks at her house just tore me up. Thankfully, I've healed so much since then. Even so, I knew it would be a hard choice of a movie for me. And it was. I can see so much of myself in Jenny's character. So much of keeping the distance, not letting anyone in, engaging in self-destructive habits. Although those characteristics of mine are mostly gone, I still relate so deeply with the struggles that Jenny went through. From my perspective now, my heart cries out to her, "Just let yourself be loved, truly loved".
When someone has experienced the pain of sexual abuse, it is so hard to allow yourself to be loved, to let go and to trust. To me, the character of Forrest is Jesus with skin on. God sends people into our lives to show us the depth of His love for us. In his quiet faith, Forrest never gave up on Jenny. He loved her through all of the rejection and the running away. He loved her through the confusion of her reaching out and pushing back. He just loved her because she was worthy of his love. Just like God loves us because we are worthy of his love. His love was always there for Jenny, as God's love was always there for me. Through my rejection, running away, reaching out and pushing back, God was always there. He showed me that by the people he placed in my life, the people that for me, were Jesus with skin on. I thank God every day for saving me from the hell I was in and for showing me His love. I thank Him for the healing he has brought into my life and the ability to use what I know to help others. I am so overwhelmed by the fact that he pursued me and would not let me go, that he was always there, even when I did not want Him to be.
Jenny and I, we are kindred spirits. For the actual Jenny's in my life, know that there is hope and it is found in allowing yourself to be loved deeply by God. Take a step of faith and reach out to those He has placed in your life. He will pursue you and He won't let you go, because you are worthy of His unimaginable love.
Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The first time I ever saw the movie, I tried to ignore the obvious about Jenny, but the scene where she throws her shoes and rocks at her house just tore me up. Thankfully, I've healed so much since then. Even so, I knew it would be a hard choice of a movie for me. And it was. I can see so much of myself in Jenny's character. So much of keeping the distance, not letting anyone in, engaging in self-destructive habits. Although those characteristics of mine are mostly gone, I still relate so deeply with the struggles that Jenny went through. From my perspective now, my heart cries out to her, "Just let yourself be loved, truly loved".
When someone has experienced the pain of sexual abuse, it is so hard to allow yourself to be loved, to let go and to trust. To me, the character of Forrest is Jesus with skin on. God sends people into our lives to show us the depth of His love for us. In his quiet faith, Forrest never gave up on Jenny. He loved her through all of the rejection and the running away. He loved her through the confusion of her reaching out and pushing back. He just loved her because she was worthy of his love. Just like God loves us because we are worthy of his love. His love was always there for Jenny, as God's love was always there for me. Through my rejection, running away, reaching out and pushing back, God was always there. He showed me that by the people he placed in my life, the people that for me, were Jesus with skin on. I thank God every day for saving me from the hell I was in and for showing me His love. I thank Him for the healing he has brought into my life and the ability to use what I know to help others. I am so overwhelmed by the fact that he pursued me and would not let me go, that he was always there, even when I did not want Him to be.
Jenny and I, we are kindred spirits. For the actual Jenny's in my life, know that there is hope and it is found in allowing yourself to be loved deeply by God. Take a step of faith and reach out to those He has placed in your life. He will pursue you and He won't let you go, because you are worthy of His unimaginable love.
Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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