I will bend, but I will not break

I'm in the middle of a journey that is taking everything I have right now. I'm more sensitive to things around me. Comments I hear, FB posts I read, an odor of cigarettes and whiskey wafting by me in the meat section of Costco, a glimpse of a memory - they all bring the prick of pain, the prick of remembering, the prick of loss to my heart. The tears come unbidden and refuse to stay put, even in front of strangers. And then there is the pity when I express a tiny bit of my story. And everything inside of me screams Do not pity me! I don't want pity. I'm stronger than that. What I will take is understanding of how hard this journey is. And compassion. But that's a tricky one because I often mistake compassion for pity. And pity just pisses me off and sends me into defense mode. I am learning not to let people's misguided words effect me so much. After all, how do you respond to something that is so counter to basic human decency? We don't have words for those kind of wounds. We don't often acknowledge those things - at least not out loud. We don't usually see a face full of tears and a heart full of sorrow attached to the words. We hear them on the TV and think, "Oh, that is awful." But when we come face to face with it - well, most people are at a loss of what to say and do. So I try to give them grace because they don't know better. And they are trying to show compassion. They just don't know how.

And in the midst of my pain, when the tears overflow and come unbidden because of a sight, a smell, a sound, I am reminded of how far I've come and of how strong I am. And I know that strength is not of my doing. Yesterday, doing homework on trauma and abuse and listening to my soundtrack playlist, the song "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" by Cher came on. And the tears flowed. And I hit repeat too many times to count. And something that has been dormant rose to the top. And I remembered that I am braver than I believe, and stronger than I seem.

Pushed Beyond the Breaking Point

 

I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

pushed down to my knees and left for dead
buried under a mountain of memories
smothered under pillows and lies
barely able to breathe

But there is something strong inside of me

a spirit that claws her way up and out
clutching at the river bank as the flood water rushes over my head
nails pulled away and bloody
full of dirt and muck
but not defeated

I've been down this road before

I see the pain that obscures the path
and I know how it feels to be shoved face first in the dirt
I hear the laughter of my enemies as they gloat over my condition
thinking I'm helpless, that I'll give up
I may be down
but I'll get up again

It may take time to crawl on my belly

bloody and bruised beyond recognition
I may feel like giving up, giving in
When I think I can no longer stand, I will stand firm
in the knowledge that there is something strong in me
that has clawed her way out of this before

One time too many, many times I thought

this has got to be it, has to be all there is
Times when the memories flood over and turn the world black
pushed to the point of breaking, down to my knees
where the strong pushes back
a pinprick of light to follow
a hope I want to crush in my exhaustion
hope I don't trust
but it won't die, it won't let me give up

When the wounds are unseen

when the losses are not acknowledged
when the questions come hard and fast
when there is no answer to the whys that crash upon each other
when there is no reason for hope
it is paradoxically present

How do I stand my ground

when it shakes apart beneath my feet
when I am clutching nothing but air for a hand hold
what is it that searches to find an imperceptible rock to hold
where does the strength come from to get up once again

It is not anything that I did

it's something that has always been present
planted within my soul before I was fully formed
given because it was known that would be needed
needed to survive
needed to stand again

Looking back down that long road

I see the times I was pushed to my knees
I see the struggle with things unseen
and those who refused to see the gaping wounds
tried to keep me down
tried to discount, dismiss, deny

I may have been brought to my knees

I may have been pushed past the point of breaking
but I never stayed down because
I was built tough
built with a strength to withstand adversity

This girl will bend to the ground

but she will not break
because she is planted by the water
nurtured by the soils made rich by the flood waters
with roots that are nourished by hope and love and truth

And this girl will not be broken

she will use the pain to bring light to darkness
beauty from ashes
hope for the hopeless
peace in the storm
love to the unloved
she will turn tragedy into triumph

She will share her hope with those who have been

pushed way past the point of breaking

© krt / 1/20/2013

 

 

When Worlds Collide

The time slips by so quickly as the busyness of grad school and internship intersects with living life in the midst of everything that must be done. The months of having so much to say, but no time to say it are evident as I look at the date of the last post. So much has happened, so much to say, so very much learned, and so very much more yet to discover.

Words came unbidden last night. They fought for release in my disturbed dreams, denying deep and refreshing sleep. They rose to the surface at 4am and demanded full attention.

When Worlds Collide

 

I feel it coming, hanging in the air

seems like all directions point strait to it
I can almost smell it as it begins to surround me
damp, dark, dank
I want to ignore the onslaught, run far away
when worlds collide
 
I know what this pain means
how deep it penetrates
how overwhelming it feels
how hard it presses down
until I can barely breathe

To admit there is loss is to admit that there is no longer hope

to allow myself to feel the betrayal, the anger, the cacophony of emotion
it means giving up on a reality that should have existed... but never did
it means staring the truth in the face
letting go

And yet... it means so much more

acknowledging this means unlocking a door
opening the floodgates that are beginning to crumble under the weight
wondering if I will drown underneath of the loss that is so closely tied
tied to this pain of letting go of the one thing that hides so many others

The floodwaters destroy everything in their wake

where does that leave me
they reshape the landscape which becomes unrecognizable
what will I lose
they bury that which was exposed
they uncover that which was buried
the floodwaters bury and expose
with no thought of the devastation they leave behind
... behind the devastation, a seed spouts in the now fertile soil

The hope of the seed seems so very distant

and there is the turbulence of the floodwaters to consider
the sheer chaos of the power of the water
that tumbles, tears apart, and brings a tempest of emotion

As I work I can feel its presence

I put it aside, Not now, I'm busy.
But each time I compartmentalize, push it away
it becomes more persistent until it is everywhere I look
and I can no longer ignore the reality that is staring me down

Behind the paper thin separations

it lurks
And not caring that now is not the right time
it begins to leak

The separations between the compartments are fragile

and the despair is razor sharp
it cuts through the carefully constructed floodgates
as the torrent begins, the razor thin cut widens
the separation tears at the seams, rips wide open
years of loss will no longer be kept silent
when worlds collide

The emotional onslaught cannot be controlled

I am tossed in the waters of darkness, despair, denial, destruction, defeat
Sludge closes over my head, clogs my nose, presses against my chest with the weight
of years that have been held back

The years that have been held back hide much

the flood waters expose something long buried beneath the weight of the sludge
it is raw, naked, vulnerable, exposed
scoured by the powers of the turbulent tumbling waters

And you are asking me to no longer repair the leaks

push back or build stronger floodgates
You are asking me to not only let the water rip apart the separations
but to dive into the midst of the chaos
when I have barely crawled out from underneath the last onslaught
Knowing what I know... understanding the pain that awaits
with no resistance,  allowing myself to be carried where the current takes me

As I sit with one wounded

she pours out her story of darkness, despair, denial, destruction, defeat
of grief long buried, never dealt with
reality denied, tossed aside
thinly veiled separations beginning to leak
She looks at me with tears in her eyes,
a tenuous trust in the words that tumble unbidden from my mouth
I want you to look at your unresolved grief.
As I name each instance, shared over months
the look of terror grows
fear of facing the grief so strong we both feel it
pressing down on us in that room
a thick, cloying, decaying, putrid mess that must be cleaned to move forward
And I hear God whisper to my heart
Will you walk the same path?
When worlds collide

© krt / 1-12-13