In the midst of the storm, peace

This decision that my family is facing is one of the largest we have ever had to deal with. We have had similar times of making such a decision, but because the past plays into this - on so many levels - this one just seems more fraught with all of the what ifs. We have been holding this one pretty close to ourselves, not saying much to anyone. I have some awesome friends that are partnering in prayer with me over this. We spoke to our pastor and he gave us some perspective. So for now - we move forward with what has been presented and see where it takes us. We are praying for clarity and that doors would either open wide or slam shut so that we are in God's will. This decision has forced my husband and I to dialogue about some hard stuff, stuff that leaves me feeling all kinds of vulnerable. Sharing that with him is hard, but I have learned that I must trust - even when I don't feel like it.

I guess what I really want to concentrate on here is that in the midst of the confusion and the not knowing what to do there have been some shining moments of God working in my life.

• I have a couple of friends that I know are truly partnering with me in this. They are not worried about what they want, but what God wants.
• I have learned to go outside of myself and allow others to help me carry my burden.
• I have learned to let my husband see the scared parts by sharing what I am afraid of.
• When I wished for someone to talk to at work, someone I knew I could trust from outside came in to see me and she is praying for me as well.
• I have reconciled within myself and with God the ability to accept my past as it was, and to move on from there, knowing that his love and his grace is all I need.
• I received an email from another friend, who after reading my last few blog entries, said she would pray for me.
• I am learning to give my worry to God as it crops up and he is helping me to not spin out of control.

I truly have so many blessings in my life. And this decision, whichever way we go, will be a blessing. It is the blessing of choice - the blessing of not being stuck. So thank you God for allowing this situation to come into our lives so I could more fully lean into you and seek your will.

Cartoon Moments

Imagine this: A cartoon scene where the character is trying to make a decision and a devil pops up on one shoulder giving all the reasons for one decision, and then an angel pops up on the other shoulder giving alternate reasons for a different decision. (I'm thinking Donald Duck here, but insert your character of choice.) The two shoulder voices argue over which decision the character should make until said character's head is spinning furiously between the two alternatives.

Got that picture in your head? Place me right smack dab in the middle, trying to sort out our present life-altering choice. Sigh... Too bad said life-altering decision won't be solved in the space of a 30 minute cartoon.

Be careful little eyes...

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a Photoshop Users conference in Reno. Because I would be in the car by myself for the drive, I put in my new CD, Casting Crowns, The Altar and the Door. One thing I love about driving somewhere by myself is the ability to crank up the music and sing as loudly as I want. Singing is something I love to do, although I do wish I were better at it. But in the car by myself, it doesn't matter if I don't hit a note or if I sing at the top of my lungs. It is just me and God and I am worshipping him through music. One of things I love about Casting Crowns is the relevancy of their music. It is truth, wrapped up in words and music, and it is thought provoking and it hits me right where it needs to. Yesterday, one song in particular stayed with me and I played it over several times. Slow Fade starts off with the children's song, Be Careful Little Eyes What You See. The chorus of the song says:

It's a slow fade
When you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray
As thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

These words ran through my heart all day and through the night. I know it is true. Sometimes, when we see someone we love fall, we think that it just happened. But if we look back, we can see the signs. In my own life, I have been seeking discernment about myself and in dealing with others. In thinking about the lyrics to this song, my mind went back to earlier in the week when I had a really frustrating day. I was expressing my frustration to my husband and my son was in the room. Seemingly, out of nowhere, I said, "I hate my life." They both looked at me and I had to back up and say, no, I didn't really hate my life. I was just frustrated. It got me to thinking. Where did that come from? Somewhere, I have given the devil a foothold in my life. I can picture it: My old life, believing how worthless I was and how utterly unworthwhile life was worth living. A minion of the devil hovers over me, thinking of the best way to penetrate my feeble defenses. He whispers, "You hate your life." I think, "I hate my life." His talons sink into my heart, deeper and deeper with each day of despair and each despairing thought he utters and I repeat. His grip is that of a bulldog. He will not release his talons until he is dead and pried away. Then I found Jesus, and after many years of struggle, failing, trying again, and finally surrendering my pain to God, there is peace. But the minion of despair, with his talons firmly entrenched in my heart, has not left me. When frustrations come, he whispers in my heart, and I listen. He has a foothold and the seemingly random thought has its roots in a pain-filled past. I never took that thought captive or pushed it away. I embraced it like an old friend and it escaped out of my mouth without any conscious thought. Oh be careful little lips what you say - people never crumble in a day. God helped me to discern where this "random" thought came from. This morning during my prayer, I took it captive and laid it at the feet of my Lord and father. If it comes again, I will do the same, knowing that only by taking my thoughts captive, can I release the death grip those talons of despair have on my heart.

I thank God for the music he has provided and the truth in the words that I can apply to my own walk. Have you had a growth experience from a song? I would love to hear about it.

Doing nothing, something, still waiting...

So I got this unexpected email last Tuesday during my usual 5 am'ish time frame that I sit by myself, have my devotional time and just bask in the quiet of a house asleep. This particular email threw my calm morning into a spin. I anxiously waited through the minutes until my son woke up so I could call my husband. Time to let him handle some of my furiously flying thoughts, or so I hoped. He took the news with typical calmness and we agreed to talk after work. So, I went through my day feeling out of touch and frenzied, wondering if this particular email was in response to a heartfelt, yet frazzled prayer in the bathroom at school the day before. (I know, I pray in strange places. I often pray in the bathroom at work, as well as everywhere else there. You probably would too if you had my particular life.) So, after work, the requisite list was made and an email went out.

Thus began the waiting. I consulted with one very trusted person, then God sent another, then another, unexpectedly for me to share my feelings with. You see, my husband, does not freak out like I do. He does not worry. He does not ponder endlessly. He just waits for facts while my head spins all the what-ifs it possibly can. This drives me crazy because while I am feeling crazy, he is still calm and not worried. This makes me feel as if the whole thing is on my shoulders. It isn't really, but my expectations of his reaction never match reality - thus I am left feeling somewhat alone and overwhelmed. So I close off, which just makes him think I'm mad at him. I'm not really - I'm just trying to protect my vulnerability while I learn to deal with the relationship thing a better way. But I digress.

The reply email led to another that had the phrase "Ever since I spoke with you last year, you have been on my heart." Wow, what does that mean? God, what do you want from me here? I just settle myself around this thing, then something else comes along. What is your will and how exactly do I determine that? So, lots of prayer and talking to people with godly counsel, I am still feeling confused. A phone call was supposed to come this weekend. I spent all day Saturday, doing nothing - waiting. Yesterday, we decided to not sit around the house and went hiking and for a picnic instead. We had a nice time and I didn't even bring my cell phone. I knew I could not complete a conversation without my lists and pen anyway. After we got home and discovered no call, we went on with our day. We watched movies, ate dinner, did laundry - normal Sunday things that have taken on new meaning in the midst of my not knowing. I was hit with a major headache while cooking dinner so I went to bed early. Woke up to the lovely sound of 50mph wind whipping around the house. Got up, made coffee, showered, prayed and asked God for clarity and the ability to not worry - to cast it on him. So now, I still wait for a phone call that may or not clarify things, but will certainly let us have more facts to chew on. After that, some decisions will be made that will certainly have a lasting impact one way or another. I will just try to get through this day, and through one of the busiest weeks of my year without spinning, trying to lean not on my own understanding. Until I hear, until I know, until we decide - I am still waiting...

Thoughts on Words

This weekend, I was going through upcoming lessons for my class. One assignment the kids will have to do is find a story/poem/essay on the Gutenberg Project web site, http://www.gutenberg.org/. While browsing, I found two of my favorite poems, The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes and The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. I think one of the reasons I love these poems is because they are written in narrative form. Looking them over again, and playing with different formats for them in InDesign, was like visiting an old friend. I LOVE words, as much I love to eat or sleep or breathe. Words to me are life.

Right now, I am reading Mourning into Dancing by Walter Wangerin. http://walterwangerinjr.org/new_web/publish_details.php?id=12 I have also read his The Book of the Dun Cow. The way that he has with words just gets me. His is some of the most beautiful prose I have ever read. I can only aspire to write as well as he does. His gift is truly amazing and I am thoroughly enjoying reading his book. Reading and writing are my comfort zone, my place of refuge from the storms of this world.

So, my love of words and something my pastor said on Saturday got me thinking. Why do I love words so much? Why did God give me this passion and the talent I do have with writing? If I put it away on a shelf, will it do anyone any good? Not likely. My pastor likes to say that what God gives to you, he wants to flow through you. It seems frustrating that I have been so busy that I cannot seem to find time to pursue getting my book published. I have this voice that tells me to do something about it, but then life always seems to get in the way. Not only do I work full time, and some weeks it is more than full time - I now put in more volunteer hours helping out with the design stuff at church. I am using my talents for God, but my most important talent - well, it is sitting on a shelf, or more literally, it is sitting inside of my computer waiting to be released to those in need. If the truth be told, I think I am scared of what may happen. My God sized dream scares the pants off of me. I pray that I would have clarity over which publication path to pursue so my time is not wasted and that I would fully trust God with all of the talents he has entrusted to me. In the meantime, I will continue to soak up the beauty around me found in the written word.

Loving Pursuit

I subscribe to an online devotional from Purpose Driven Life. This morning I read the following:

When David sings about God’s “unfailing love,” he uses a Hebrew word that implies God is in loving pursuit of us. Yahweh chases after us with such persistent grace that he refuses to let us get away. His pursuit is energized by his compassion, not only feeling what we feel, but also with the intent to help us: “He has not punished us for all our sins, nor does he deal with us as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.” (Psalms 103:10–11, NLT) (April 4, 2008 - In Pursuit Of Fairness - Daily Devotional)

Wow! How awesome is that, that the God who created the heavens and the earth, lovingly pursues you and me with persistent grace. The most amazing thing about it is that we did nothing to deserve it and nothing we can do will ever be enough to deserve God's love. But he loves us anyway. Awesome!

• I am constantly amazed at this God I serve and so thankful that he pursued me and pulled me out of the pit of hell.
• I am so amazed at the trust I have learned to give, that has not been broken.
• I am so amazed at the healing he brought into my heart.
• I am so amazed that he cares, really cares, about the details.
• I am so amazed with the blessings I have.
• I am so amazed at the growth in my life.
• I am so amazed at the miracles I see in those around me.
• I am so amazed that I am a valuable and precious daughter of my lord, Jesus Christ.

You are amazing God and I love you with everything that I am and all that I have within me.

Awesome Relationship Book

I just finished reading a book on relationships for my Biblical Counseling class - The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. Honestly, everyone involved in relationships should read this book. Oh wait, that means that everyone should read it.

The premise of the book is so different from other relationship books I have read. The words "Life is relationships; the rest is just details" carries throughout the book. The more you read, the more you realize how true that statement is. The most powerful parts of the book for me were "The Power of One" and "Emotional Communication". A cool feature is a one-minute summary at the end of each chapter.

So now that I have read this book and have been trying to put its principles into practice in my own relationships, I have asked God to help me go deeper with the principles and really start to live them. For the next several weeks, or however long it takes, I will be working through a study guide on the information, trying to figure out where I am lacking, and giving my stuff to God so that I am fully embracing "The Power of One". I want to be part of the solution. I want my relationships to go against the trend. I want God to shine through me. I know the journey will be messy and sometimes difficult. I know I will mess up. But I also know that this new information will honor God. That, my friends, is all that matters in the end.