Another assignment… another self analysis… another painful revelation… another thing learned

Typing my personal portrait assignment for class yesterday brought tears – unexpected, unbidden, totally caught by surprise. Tears hot and fast ran down my face, typing stopped as I tried to catch my breath and figure out where they came from. Tears that came from a place so deep it brought physical pain, tears that came so suddenly, tears that before I would have stuffed away, but now I just gave in to. Tears that remembered the pain of my growing up, but without the anger or guilt that used to plague me. Remembering the pain tears, healing the pain tears.

When I started this journey, I expected that some of my own stuff would come up. What I didn’t expect was the emotional impact it would have, the toll it would take. Grad school is hard enough without stuff. Daily struggles with balancing the coursework load and my family, my volunteer work, my life have already begun to mess with my sense of order. Trying to be balanced is so important, because there has never been balance in the past. Trying to keep a good pace, yet not leave my family or myself in the dust as I obsess over my pursuits, well, it has been a challenge and a new way of doing things to say the least. So far, my husband has told me that I have kept the balance well. The struggle with the workload was more of what I expected. I knew things would come up just because delving into psychological theories would obviously bring up some of the issues I have faced. But with all of the work I have done, with all of the healing that God has brought into my life, my expectation did not meet the reality of my experience yesterday.

To break it down, the assignment is to analyze our own life according to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, add in Kohlberg’s theory of moral development, and throw gender, environment, and culture into the mix. I decided to break the paper down into Erikson’s stages and put the rest under each stage where applicable. The format was set up perfectly, all my references were in order and laid out under each stage, I had my water on my desk and Spirit playing on Sirius in the background.

Stage 1 – Trust vs. mistrust (infant)
You take care of a baby, it learns trust. Simple right? But what happens when the baby lacks in proper physical and emotional care and bonding? Mistrust or as Erikson calls it, maladaptation, which in the first stage leads to withdrawal. In analyzing this stage, I knew my needs were not consistently met, and may have even been totally ignored. I know I was unwanted by my mother, and I was something to be used by my father. It was here that feelings of discomfort and loss over my circumstances surfaced as I was typing.

Stage 2 – Autonomy vs. Shame and doubt (toddler)
Learning to control ones bodily functions leads to independence and success. Being told I was dirty for normal bodily functions led to shame and doubt. It is during this time that I remember the first abuse, while I was in my crib. Details aren’t necessary, but suffice it say that the remembering of those details spun my world and created a sense of loss surrounding so many areas of my life. This is where I learned it was acceptable and expected to be feminine and pretty, and nothing more. It was the only way to find acceptance. The feeling of heaviness grew when typing this part.

Stage 3 – Initiative vs. Guilt (preschool)
Learning to do things for and by oneself is the goal. My experience was inhibition and withdrawal. As I was typing about a childhood photo, I could see that photo in my minds eye – 3rd birthday, eyes downcast, posture pulled in, fearful. That is what brought the tears. At 3 years old, no happy birthday smiles for the picture; instead a fearful, scared, withdrawn little girl.

Seeing myself there, I hurt. I hurt over the loss of childhood, the loss of innocence, the loss of learning trust, autonomy, and initiative. I hurt for the maladaptive strategies I learned in order to survive. But after all the work, why was this so hard? Because I had to break it down into stages. I had to face in black and white exactly how and where things went wrong. I had to see just how long I endured, and by the grace of God, survived. And I had to type it all out APA style, with relevant references, in a nice and neat package without screaming, without pouring my pain all over the paper – somehow trying to analyze the sickness and the sin that surrounded me. That is why it hurt. That is why the tears came. That is why it hurts still.

Breathe… but, after the tears, after the pain lessened and the realization of the loss hit, after the giving into grief, I was able to go back to the paper. The rest of the paper was still hard. I still had to face how the tentacles of abuse snaked their way into so many aspects of my development. But I could also see the beginnings of faith, the tentative forays into health, the failures, and the successes. As I continued to write, all of those thoughts swirling in my brain, I prayed I would be able to piece it all together in a fashion that made sense. And I did, with God’s help, I did. I saw the healing beginning, and I was able to look back and give myself grace for the many failures. I was able to accept the pain because I could see the growth, see that I was not stuck, see that my God relentlessly pursued me and brought me health and peace. Although the theorists I am studying may not have understood Godly principles, they are there in black and white. Erikson said that if one did not pass through the stages in order, they could go back and ‘make up’ for that stage. Maslow said if basic needs weren’t met, one could go back later and get those needs met. It is of course not the same as if the needs were met in the first place, but it is enough. God, in his grace and wisdom, allows us to go back and ‘make up’. “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.” (John 8:11) The wisdom of God surrounds us, even in the secular world. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts to see it.

Update on project

I finally got a grade on the project I was struggling with - a 99%. Yeah! I got marked off for grammar! I hate when that happens! I am very happy with my grade and that I answered the prompt correctly. That was a stressful paper for me, but I learned a lot about myself in the process, so even if my grade had not been as high, it would still have been all good.

Disequalibrium

I'm into my 5th week of my program and I just started my second class. Wow, it is so much work to do two classes at once. I find myself fascinated and frustrated at the same time. When reading the material or my classmates postings, I try to visualize situations that I have been in and I can see how I could have handled things differently or how I did okay. I also can see things that I haven't seen before, such as certain patterns or symptoms that people have. I try not to "analyze" people and place them in categories, but sometimes it is so much easier to put a face to a theory.

My new class, Mental Health Counseling is really interesting thus far. The information is less theory and more practical. However, it is leaving me with more questions than answers at this point. I had a favorite professor in my undergrad education program that used to say she liked to see us in disequalibrium because from that state of uncomfortableness, we were better able to learn. Thanks Dr. Betz for that wisdom that has stuck with me. I used to be really uncomfortable if I felt out of my element. Now, I have, for the most part anyway, learned to rest in the disequalibrium. I know that I won't always feel lost and that I will learn. I think that the theory of disequalibrium has its foundation in biblical principles. Doesn't it seem that sometimes God wants us to muddle through something, feeling lost, so we can learn to fully depend on him? At least that is how it is for me. In the midst of something that rocks my world, if I just relax and learn to open my heart to what God is trying to tell me, that is when the answers come and when I can find peace in the midst of the storm. Until then though, I am as tossed by the waves as the next guy. The trick is learning to lean on God and not myself. If I have learned anything over the past several years it is to let go during the times I want to hold on the tightest. God has not failed me yet during the times I felt completely out of my element. So, during this time of learning new things, I will wrestle with the questions I have, but not get so wrapped up in those questions that I forget to turn to God for help.

One problem with the program I am in is that it will have a worldview. I really wanted to complete my training through a Christian program because I knew I would have value differences with what I was being taught. However, as in public education, I know that God can use all of what I am learning to teach me what it is I need to know. I am still not sure of the arena that God wants me to work in once I finish this degree, so being open to options is very important. If I don't learn about all of the information, I may not be prepared for whatever it is God is calling me to.

Some of the questions that I am wrestling with this week are:

• Counseling the perpetrator of abuse - as of this minute, that seems impossible, but if God wanted me to go there, he would provide what I needed. Being open to that possibility scares the pants off of me.
• Working with same sex couple issues. I have successfully worked with students in school that have that lifestyle, but it does make me uncomfortable and it goes against everything I believe in.
• Will my tears in a session help, hinder, or be neutral for a client? I know that in the biblical counseling setting, it is okay to show that emotion, but I'm not sure otherwise. The empathy that I can feel for someone else's pain can bring the tears unbidden. I am not sure how to change that or even if I need to. I don't want to cultivate "professional distance" because I want my clients to know that I am walking alongside of them.
• Will I be effective with those who have different values than I do or will I become judgemental?
• If a terminally ill person comes to me and wants to end their life, what would I do?

Those are just some of the questions from my reading that really required me to think. No answers yet, just thoughts and questions. But I am content to be in disequalibrium for the moment.

Freedom

I love the 4th of July. I love what it stands for and I love that God allowed me to be born in America to experience all that America is. So many people take freedom for granted. They spout off their idiocies about a million insignificant things - never understanding the only reason they can spout said idiocies is because of the freedom we have been granted. When my students spout off, I tell them, "Fine - move to (whichever country suits my purpose at the time). See how much freedom you have there and how you like it." I know that is a bad attitude and it isn't very nice of me. But when people don't get what this country represents and how much it cost - well, it just torks me off. Sure there are things wrong with America. But there is a lot more right. These are the things that make me proud to be an American.
1. Freedom to worship how I choose
2. The constitution
3. Our judicial system (even if it is a little skewed)
4. The right to vote
5. FREE education for everyone - whether they want it or not (little ungrateful buggers!)
6. The sheer beauty of the land we call America - think about it
7. Too many choices
8. The opportunity to reinvent oneself
9. Second chances
10. Freedom that cost others so very much

What we have been given, we must never take for granted. God blessed us incredibly by allowing us to be born into this time and this place. Thank you God and God bless America!

Masters program

I'm in week 4 of my first class. A new class starts next week, so I will have two overlapping classes. That will be tough. Thus far, we have had mostly discussion questions to complete. Basically, I have to read the material, a journal article, or chapters from the book, and respond to a question. The questions are pretty difficult and I am often left wondering what the heck the "right" answer is. The thing is - I don't think there is a "right" answer. The questions are asking us to be introspective, rather than to just analyze what we read. For example, one question reads:
"Post a summary describing the link between your status as an adult learner and your decision to enter graduate school to obtain a master's degree..."

Okay, I can identify the stages of development, but to correlate that with my own decisions. Why does one decide to pursue anything of worth that will be hard? A myriad of thousands of little things, events, people, and places all go into that decision. Yet I have to put that into 250 words, APA format, with correct citations. It is hard. My last program focused on applying what I learned to my own teaching. This focuses on my interactions with myself and analyzing those actions. Although I consider myself to be quite introspective, trying to tie psychological and developmental theory with my own growth is somewhat harder than I would have imagined it to be.

This week my first major project is due. I have to analyze Bronfenbrenner's levels of development, analyze how they shaped me and how they influenced me to enter graduate school. I have been working on this project since last week and I am really struggling with it. First, the resources have been hard to find. We are supposed to have at least five, less than five years old, with at least 2 less than two years old. Well, Bronfenbrenner died more than five years ago. We are supposed to use primary sources, thus, my sources are already outdated. So - the resource issue has been a struggle. Second, I am really procrastinating with this one which is very unusual for me. I set up the paper format and put it aside. I read two articles and put it aside. I read the rest of the articles and put it aside. I typed in the references and put it aside. I typed two paragraphs and put it aside. I typed one paragraph and put it aside. All this putting it aside makes me wonder if this is a another Pavlov moment for me. In other words, is this triggering something? In describing my development in the paper, how much of the abuse do I disclose? It is a part of who I am. It was my world and shaped the person I became. It is not how I identify myself anymore, but the abuse did factor into my development. So maybe that is my struggle with this assignment.

I am now going to put this aside to focus on getting some more of my project done. I'll let you know how it went and if I had any breakthrough moments for why this was such a struggle for me.