Following a Different Path

For the past two and half years, I have been actively involved in the STEP ministry at my church. First, as a participant, where some deep wounds had a chance to heal as others walked alongside of me and helped me through the valleys. Then as a facilitator where I gave back to the ministry that helped me so much.

I love this ministry. I love the people. I love the mission. I love how this ministry effects real and lasting change in people by pointing them directly to the source of our healing, Jesus Christ. There is nothing I don't love about this ministry. So last night was a really hard night for me.

God is moving me in a new direction. I am going to pursue the counseling piece of my calling that I ran away from when I went back to school in 1995. I have started a biblical counseling class at church and I am going to enroll in a counseling program to pursue licensing. I tend to get really focused and will do lots of different things. I like challenge and meeting all of those challenges. But one of the many things I learned in STEP is that I don't have to do everything. Nor should I. I made a commitment last year to really value my marriage. To put my husband and my family first on my list instead of last. I have seen some big improvements since I changed my focus away from work/church/everything else to where it should be - my husband and family. I have been blessed with a patient and understanding husband that supports everything I do, patiently waiting on the sidelines until I remember to recognize that he is there. That was a very destructive and sinful pattern I had. So with all of that in mind, I knew something had to give. God is calling me back to the counseling part and I will follow that. So I told some of the leadership last night that I would be stepping down from my leadership role as well as any active participation in STEP. It felt like breaking up with 20 people that you love. Everyone was super supportive, which almost made it harder. That is not what you expect from life. But my church reflects Christ, not the world, and that is why they are letting me go with love. I will go back when I can and try to pop in when I can. But for now, I have to pursue where God is leading me, while honoring my marriage by not overextending my commitments.

A few years ago, I would have just plowed ahead and done everything. I have grown so much and I realize that I have to prioritize what is important. The job will pass away, someone else will step up and fill my shoes in STEP, and I must fill my life with the things of God, including what he is calling me to do and being present for the blessings he has provided for me in the form of my family. So I enter this new phase of my life with some sadness, yet also with a sense of breathless anticipation for what God is going to do. The next few years should be exciting, tiring, and filled with more learning. Thank you God for the growth I have had and the growth I will be going through.

Great Book

I just finished If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat. It was awesome. Everyone should read it. The book talks about our fears and how we let them hold us back from walking on water experiences. The book uses the story in Matthew of Peter walking on water. It lets us know that it is okay to not be perfect; something I have to constantly remind myself. If we fall, Jesus will be right there to pick us up again. The point is, we won't learn if we don't try. Just like a little kid, we can't walk, if we don't fall down and try again.

Lot's of people, myself included, think that those walking on water experiences are for other people. But God made us for a purpose. No one else can fulfill our purpose. If we are afraid to get out of the boat, or if we stay in the safety and comfort behind the door of our salvation, how will we be effective? How will we change our world? How will we fulfill God's plan for us?

I know that I am struggling with what direction to take in my life. My heart says go back to school and get the psychology portion done. But my head says you are still paying for your other degrees, you don't have time, what if you don't get a different job, and by the way, what the heck is it that God really wants from me. I thought I had it all figured out with the teaching thing. I thought that was my calling. I won't say I was wrong on my calling, but I do think it is time to move on. And that is a scary thing in so many ways. But unless I get out of the boat and walk toward Jesus, I won't know what I can do. So here's to being scared about the consequences and taking a risk anyway - knowing that Jesus will be there with me every step of the way.

Senseless Tragedy

Saturday morning our community experienced a senseless tragedy. An eight year old boy was playing flag football, collapsed, and died. Both of his parents work for the district. I didn't know the boy, although my son had played with him at school. I know both parents by sight, but that is all. For some reason, God has burdened my heart for this family. My tears will not stop; however, the tears I cry are not my own. They are for the family: for the loss, confusion, anger, emptiness... I will pray for them because they are hurting. Maybe they can't pray for themselves, maybe they don't even know God. I really don't know. I just know God has given me this burden and I will pray for the family. God knows what they need, I will just give it to him until he tells me it is enough.

I asked God to minister to them - through me. I always turn to writing in my pain. Hopefully it will be some small comfort to them. God - please reach down, right now, and bring comfort to this family.

If you are reading this posting - please stop right now and say a prayer for the family. Thank you.

Below is my way of connecting to the family. Pray that God uses this situation.

My heart breaks as the tears run down my face.
This pain is not my own; I share it with you.
It seems that my heartstrings have been connected to your loss.
Your pain, your tears – I cry out to God for you.

The why must be overwhelming,
the emptiness – too much to talk about,
the loneliness – too much to deal with,
the questions pouring in all lead to doubt.

Where God, are you in this tragedy?
Why God, do we have to feel this pain?
Who God, are you really?
When God, will I be able to breathe again?


Are there answers to these questions?
“He is with God,” we hear through our tears.
But that doesn’t soften the blow.
It does not help to calm our fears.

Having walked through the valley of the shadow -
when I cried out to God in the darkness,
I know I did not walk that valley alone.
Through the darkness and shadows, God held me through my anguish.

I will continue to cry out to God for you
while you walk through the valley.
I will pray for comfort on your behalf
Knowing that there is healing, that you will breathe again.

09/17/2007

What a week

I have had such a busy week that I haven't even had time to blog. I have thought of several different things I wanted to write about, but there just hasn't been time. I have pretty much been gone every night this week. Wednesday was a 16 hour day at work - we had a yearbook workday after school, then back to school night for parents. It is one of our big pushes for sales so it is a huge night for me.

Thursday, I was of course exhausted. But I started a Biblical Counseling course. I went in tired, and left pretty much excited and disturbed at the same time. I am excited about what I will be learning. I am disturbed because I know that the course will bring up my own stuff. I have worked so hard the past two years on my healing. Sometimes, I just want it to be over with. However, I know that because of the chronic nature of the abuse, things will always crop up. Probably for the rest of my life. I have the tools I need to deal with the issues. I know that God will meet me where I am and help me through the pain. I know there will be peace and beauty on the other side. But the human, hurting part of me does not want to go through any more. I want to be done. It is always about just taking one more step and growing in my healing and my trust in God. So, I am excited because I am finally doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. I know this is God's will for me and that is a good place to be. Eleven years ago, sitting in Psychology 101, my teacher (the greatest ever by the way) was lecturing about Pavlov's dogs. All I could think of was my conditioned response to my father's bed. I barely made it through the class. I decided then and there that if I was going to follow God's plan for my life and become a teacher, I better deal with my own stuff. I wouldn't be very effective if I fell apart when some girl brought her story to me. Thus began my journey of healing. I started college with the intention of majoring in education and minoring in psychology. That experience in psych 101 made me change my plans and I minored instead in German. But anyway, I joined a survivor group and started working on my past. The group was good, except that my faith did not seem to matter to the people there and any time I brought it up - it was discounted. It was all about self-empowerment and never being victimized again. I was taking 21 credits, had two elementary aged children, and was working on my healing. Thankfully, the aforementioned awesome teacher let me work out some of my healing through my assignments. It was so easy to tie my stuff in with what I was learning. I think because of that experience, the class stuck with me much more than it would have. But I also ran away from the second part of my calling because I was overwhelmed and scared. However, God has done much work in my life lately. I have to say that the difference between healing with biblical based principals and a worldly view is so much better. I barely scratched the surface of my pain before. I took anti-depressants to numb myself from the pain that was surfacing. Through STEP, I learned to accept the pain as a pathway to healing. Working through it basically sucked, but God was faithful and I am so much better now than I ever thought I would be.

I hope that this course will be a springboard for something else. I truly feel that I am not supposed to teach in high school forever. I am not sure where God is leading me and more than anything, I want to be open to new things. But for now, things are good. I have had a really good first couple of weeks at school. I had a rotten day on Friday, but in the middle of it, I turned to God. A friend brought me a book for my birthday on prayers and meditations for teachers. I opened to a page on adversity and it helped me to feel better. The day got worse, but I didn't spiral down that path towards despondency. I was upset and hurt by something that got blown out of proportion, but I just tried to take care of it as best as I could. I know that Satan will be fighting me tooth and nail because I have given my teaching and my classroom to God. So I will just keep on praying and continue to give it to God. I am surprised by God lately and the changes he has wrought in my life. (Ironically, that fits in with the new series we have at church - isn't God funny that way?) Anyway, that's it for now. Here's to a new week lived in the faith that God is in control.

Perfect Love

This morning I told my son the same thing I have told him a million times over. "I love you." He asked me why. At first I just said because I do. Then I started to think about why I love him. Do I love him because he is cute? Do I love him because he is the best behaved child ever born (yeah, right)? Do I love him because he does everything right? Do I love him because he does things for me? I guess in part, I love him for all of those reasons. But I loved him before I ever saw him. I loved him from the very second I knew of his existence. Actually, when Lance and I were trying to get pregnant, I loved him already, even though I didn't know him.

It hit me that I just love him because "he is". Not because of anything he does, says, or the way he looks or acts. I just love him for his existence. Nothing will ever change that - Nothing. That showed me, in a small way, how God loves me. I don't have to do anything or be anybody. He loved me before I was born. He loved me when he thought of me. My broken childhood hurt him, as I am hurt when my children are hurt. He could not protect me from everything because if he did, there would be no free choice for me to love him back and serve him out of my own desire. God simply loves me because I am. Just like I love Marcus, and Mitchell and Whitney - just because they are.

I'm not sure if my thoughts would be considered "theologically sound". But I do know that God has perfect love for me. If my human relationships can give me a glimpse of that love and help me to understand God's love for me, I think that is amazing. A sentence said a million times over takes on new meaning when a child asks a probing question. How awesome and amazing is that?

Praying and Obedience

A few weeks ago, a friend at church gave me a prayer that she prays every day before she goes to work. I took the paper with me and put it in my car. I started praying that prayer in the parking lot at school before I began my day. It was a little awkward, because the prayer was so general, so I revised the prayer to fit my specific work environment. I was typing the new prayer while at school - during lunch. I felt led to email a copy of the prayer to one of the administrators and just let him know I was thinking of him and I appreciated his life and his witness as a Christian. He emailed back thanking me for sending the prayer to him.

After I sent the prayer, I printed one out for myself and put it on an index card. I took it to the library and asked if they would mind laminating something personal. Usually, the answer is no way. But after glancing at what was contained on the card I was told yes. I then went back to my room where my new laminated prayer card was delivered a few hours later.

The next morning I prayed my new revised prayer. God put on my heart to start praying for specifics as well so I asked him to give me one person or specific thing a day to pray for. Who or what would be up to Him. For the past week I have been praying my prayer, and God has been bringing new people to my mind during the prayer everyday. I look forward to who God wants me to pray for. I never know in advance, it just comes during my morning prayer. I sit in my car, in the parking lot, with my head bowed, and pray. It doesn't take long, but what a sense of purpose I now feel. Imagine - God gives me someone to pray for every day. That is just amazing! What an awesome God we serve. It never ceases to amaze me what God does through us when we simply humble ourselves in obedience to His purposes. I don't know why I am praying for specific people, but God does. He knows when the sparrow falls and he knows what we need, even when we don't know ourselves.

Today, my prayerful attitude and sense of purpose was severely tested. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. Through it all, I did not swear or get angry (well not too angry anyway). I just tried again if that was necessary and kept on putting one foot in front of the other. By the end of the day, the problems were mostly solved and I had kept my sense of peace. Last year I would have been so frustrated because things are so unnecessarily chaotic. The problems are mostly due to lack of follow through or a plan on how to do things. I get easily frustrated by that because I usually have a plan and I am dedicated to following through. When something does not work well, I revise it until it flows more smoothly. It seems as if there is a wrong way or a difficult way to do things at work, that is the standard mode of operation. So--- not getting frustrated and spiraling into anger was a huge step. I totally attribute it to my prayer life and my new found sense of purpose. I may not want to stay where I am forever. I would probably jump ship in a heartbeat if I had the chance. But, God has given me a sense of peace and of purpose for this season of my life. Isn't that awesome!

The Importance of Relationship

Over the past several years, I have learned more and more that we have to be in relationship with others in order to grow in Christ. The bible doesn't suggest we have relationships. It tells us: "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25 We have relationships so we can hold each other accountable, encourage one another, and be God with skin on for each other. It is too difficult to live a Christian life without Christian friends holding us accountable.

For a very long time, I kept away from relationship. I have huge problems trusting people, so putting myself out there for others was so hard. I got burned badly by some people in my old church, so I thought if that was how it was, I would do it on my own. Not only did I shy away from making new relationships, I pulled away from old relationships. When I really started healing, I wanted to tell those who had a part in my healing thank you. Most, although they guessed at the abuse, did not know the full extent. To be told even a part of why I was thanking them made them uncomfortable. Thus, it made me feel uncomfortable as well. I didn't pull away at that time, but rather just pulled back somewhat. Then, when I really started digging into the abuse and gaining healing, it was just too hard to try and do everything I had to do to get through the day to worry about past relationships. But through the recovery program at church, I have learned that I must have relationship in order to grow in my faith and continue in my healing. Now, I easily call a friend when I am going through a rough spot. It has been a huge transition.

So what about the old relationships. Slowly, I have tried to re-establish those that were important. I have looked up some people that had a hand in protecting me, some that just tried to love me even though they could not understand the horror of my life, and some that gave me a sense of my worth when I thought I was not worthy of anything. This last weekend my family went to Sacramento to a BBQ with a friend from my past. I felt that I had enough healing in my life to once again connect with this family. Although I have written Christmas cards every year, that was about the extent of the relationship. This family had a huge impact on my healing. I truly believe that if it would not have been for their intervention, I would be dead. I am pretty sure they have no idea as to the extent of my abuse. They weren't trying to save me. I believe they were just being obedient to God when they took me into their hearts. I spent more time with this family than with my own. I had many firsts with them: bible study, going to church as a family, going on family trips, going to church camp (which they paid for and I didn't know at the time), just hanging out and enjoying each others company. The fact that God put this family in my life proves to me how much He loves me. Their example, I believe, has helped me to be the kind of parent and wife that I am today. I certainly did not gain those skills from my own family. I will be forever grateful to them for their love and acceptance of me.

Anyway, when I visited, two members of the family, the brother and sister were there. I felt pretty much at ease right away. I couldn't believe so many years had passed and things were that comfortable. I did tell them in a small part how their family had made such an impact on me. I hope that I did not make them feel uncomfortable. I know it is hard for those on the outside to see the pain in our lives and the evil that exists in this world. So if you guys are reading, thank you again for having a part in my healing. Know that I look on you as a gift from God. I am thankful to have known you and I am thankful for the re-connection. God bless.