Growth revealed...

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend. During lunch, she asked me to recount some of the nightmares I used to have and exactly how I dealt with them. You see, I used to have horrible nightmares, where I would wake up screaming, but I couldn't remember the nightmare or what had frightened me so badly. The fear fed on itself. My thinking was that if the nightmare was so bad I couldn't remember it, it must be too bad for words.

When I started back into counseling for my sexual abuse, the nightmares became more intense. Besides the one that woke me up screaming, I also had one of being choked by a death-like figure. Both nightmares were recurring. Thankfully, I received wise counsel in this. When I used to wake up from the nightmares, I would pray for God to take it away, I didn't want to know what they were about and I was afraid. I was more than afraid actually. I was advised instead to pray and ask God to show me what it was I needed to know from the nightmares. Truthfully, the first time I had one after receiving that advice, it was really hard for me to pray that way. I was just beginning my first tenuous forays into trusting that God really did care about me and would not give me more than I could bear. My prayer was something like this: "God, I am really scared right now. I don't know what this nightmare is about and I don't know if I want to know. I don't think I can handle any more, but I am going to try to trust you on this. If there is something you want to reveal to me through these dreams, then I trust you will help me with whatever comes up."

A part of my journal entry from 2-1-06 reveals this process:
God, why did you bring this memory to me? What am I supposed to do with this? How do I feel? Completely overwhelmed. My father, contrary to his words of princess, found my life utterly worthless. I didn't die, I learned to stuff my pain and my feelings even deeper in a desperate act of self-preservation. I was left hoping and believing that there was something better out there somewhere. The irony is that my feelings are so hidden and my trust so fragile that now I can't find what I long for. This memory brought back deep buried feelings and emotions in all of its raw ugliness. The pain of this absolutely sucks and I hate it. But I can't move forward and truly enjoy what God has given to me if I stuff everything and I don't feel. The dreams I have of Satan over my bed choking me - I think I was wrestling with more than the spirit world - I was fighting my dad who was evil personified. He was Satan with skin on. Now I need to find Jesus with skin on and replace those images. I fear more memories, letting go of my emotions, giving into the pain, trusting God completely because what if He lets me down? He has proven himself faithful, but what if? Trusting is a hard thing. I don't even trust myself. Maybe that is a place to start.

Re-reading those words, I remember the struggle, how scared and unsure I was, but how tired I was of trying to do it myself. The stuffing wasn't working and I was slowly poisoning myself. The dreams that continued to come and the memories that were revealed over the next year were sometimes horrific beyond belief. They shook my world. But - God was in the midst of it all. After the first images were revealed to me and I learned to lean on God for his strength to get me through, the other memories were somehow easier to handle. I found that I could walk through the memories, re-experience the pain I stuffed so long ago, and still feel surrounded by God. That peace in the storm stuff that I never understood... it was true, amazingly and incomprehensibly true.

Working through all of the memories will remain one of the most painful things I ever did in my life. But it was a road to growth. I didn't want the nightmares and the memories. But I dared to trust God for his timing and that his strength would be enough. It took time to build that trust, but it was so worth it.

On the other side now, I can't believe how much I have learned to trust God and to lean on him. In telling my friend about the dreams, there was no shaking, no fear, no bitterness, no negative emotion. Rather, there was an overwhelming sense of the goodness of God and the peace that I have in my life now to be able to relate such horrible memories with none of the pain. Through my obedience to God, to trust him in what he was revealing, I was able to work through many of the memories and deal with the undealt with emotions. I was able to forgive my father for each and every instance that God brought to mind. Words cannot ever describe how those first steps of faith turned into the change I have experienced. I am awed and overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God, but more than that, I am at a loss for words at the love he has for the details of my life, that he cared enough to walk with me through the valley of the shadow of death to see me though to the other side.

My prayer and hope is that somehow I can share my story with other survivor's and offer the hope and healing that only comes through submission and trust in Jesus.

Ethics and Counseling

My current class is an ethics class. It is supposed to be for the future, or current, counselor. However, as with every other class, I am finding it quite applicable to my life as it stands currently.

We have a book with a code of ethics from the different licensing agencies. The codes are long and complicated, but are generally common sense. Although I will adhere to the code for the license I am pursuing, I will adhere to a higher code. For me, the Bible is my code of ethics. If I follow the ways God has laid out for my life, I will not go wrong.

The discussions on the codes and what we would do in a given situation is interesting. There are many gray areas where one would not be breaking a code per se, but would be treading on dangerous ground. Some of the hard things for me personally would be if someone came to me wanting to end their life due to terminal illness. I would feel empathy for them, but I know the end of the story. Or if a young girl was seeking an abortion. I know the pain and emptiness a "quick solution" brings. Could I remain unbiased? What if a client disclosed an affair? What is my moral duty? Because this is a secular program, it is hard to address these concerns from a biblical worldview. There are Christians in the program and some of them come off as very judgemental. So I need to find the balance between always speaking truth, but speaking truth in love. Jesus never said to me "You sinned, I don't love you anymore." He said, "You have sinned, you are hurting, come to me and I will heal your wounds and bring you peace. Now go and share that with others who are hurting." That is my calling in this world filled with such messed up values that we need massive codes of ethics to practice what Jesus did.

I came face to face with an ethical decision this week. Just like when God is teaching me something, the concepts I am learning in school are often reinforced through my daily life. A student called me into the hall and said that she had a problem. She had a test the previous Friday and she chose not to go to one class in order to study for the test the next class. She told her mom that she had come to my class to study. She wanted me to tell her mom that she was in my class. A few years ago, I would have felt bad for her situation, did what she wanted and told her to never do that to me again. This time I told her that I was sorry, but I could not and would not lie. She begged, cried, cajoled. I stood my ground. I told her that anytime she felt the extra need to study, she could come to my room and I would see how I could help her, but that she put me in a bad situation. I let her know I understood her feelings and that I wasn't mad at her, but that I wasn't going to bail her out. She was upset of course, but by standing firm, I know that I am teaching her something about life. For me, in my classroom, and this class in particular, it is about building relationships with the kids and loving them by speaking the truth, in love.

I pray for wisdom, discernment, mercy, and grace as I head down the road to becoming a professional counselor. I know I will be faced with many decisions that will be difficult. I just need to keep my eyes on God and he will guide me.

Run Towards Your Destiny

We just started a series at church about making the best decisions of your life. My favorite "take away" was: Run towards your destiny: You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue.

School: That is so true. And it was so affirming in these uncertain times. I wonder, with the debt I already have, is it wise to return to school right now and incur more debt? I am sometimes racked with doubt about this course of action. But I know that I am supposed to be pursuing this and the longer I wait, the less likely I will be to fulfill this particular destiny.

Writing: As far as my writing goes, I keep getting more and more ideas. They excite me and they scare me at the same time. I already don't have time to do what I want with my writing, yet more ideas keep coming. I'm not even thinking about writing and the ideas are flowing. Does that mean I need to run toward my writing, right now, on top of everything else. My heart says yes, but my self says "I wish I could stay home and only write." I have a list of publishers and agents I need to pursue. We are off on the 31st, so I will send out some inquiries then.

Personal life: I need to run toward the relationships, not away when things get sticky. I need to run toward a more balanced life. I need to "focus on his provision, his power and his presence instead of my problems." His grace is sufficient and he will meet all my needs according to his plan.

What is God asking you to run toward right now?

Quiet Time

The past two days devotionals on Purpose Driven Life (http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/en-US/FreeTools/devotional/archivedDevos/DevoArchive.htm) have been about establishing a daily quiet time with God. For the past year, I have been journaling my prayer rather than just talking to God. Although I must admit that I have missed days and even whole weeks of journal entries, for the most part, I have been consistent in my quiet time. It has made a huge difference for me personally. Since I am at my best in the morning, I take my shower, get my coffee, sit at my desk with pen in hand and start my prayer. Some days, the prayer goes somewhere totally unexpected. Some days, honestly, I just get it done and move on to the next thing on my "to do" list. But every time I write, I am being connected to God in a way that I wasn't when I was talking to him. My prayer life used to consist of hurried prayers throughout the day. When I would try to concentrate on prayers, I would often get distracted. By writing my prayers down, I get less distracted and in the end, it works for me. I liked the lists on the PDL devotionals because many people think that starting and maintaining a prayer life will be hard. My list for my quiet time is different in some respects, but it works for me. Here are my suggestions:

• Commit to start, and then do it.
• Pick your best time of the day. (For me, it means getting up 1/2 hour early.)
• Have no distractions. (Close the door and let others know it is your time.)
• If you have never journaled your prayers, start. You can use a journal or a notepad. Don't worry about grammar, spelling, or flow, just write your thoughts to God.
• Go where you feel led, don't limit the process.
• Don't set a time limit - some days your prayers will be short, some days will be longer.
• Pour out your heart to God, don't worry about what others would think if they stumbled onto your journal.
• If you skip a day, or a week, don't give up. Pick up the journal and start again.
• Look back over your prayers every once in awhile to see what God has been teaching you and to see the prayers he has answered.

Thanks to Carson Valley Christian (http://www.cvcwired.com/) and Pastor John for getting me started on my own journey of a prayer journal. It has changed my life and the growth I have and am experiencing is the deepest I have had on the journey called life with Christ.