What a week

I have had such a busy week that I haven't even had time to blog. I have thought of several different things I wanted to write about, but there just hasn't been time. I have pretty much been gone every night this week. Wednesday was a 16 hour day at work - we had a yearbook workday after school, then back to school night for parents. It is one of our big pushes for sales so it is a huge night for me.

Thursday, I was of course exhausted. But I started a Biblical Counseling course. I went in tired, and left pretty much excited and disturbed at the same time. I am excited about what I will be learning. I am disturbed because I know that the course will bring up my own stuff. I have worked so hard the past two years on my healing. Sometimes, I just want it to be over with. However, I know that because of the chronic nature of the abuse, things will always crop up. Probably for the rest of my life. I have the tools I need to deal with the issues. I know that God will meet me where I am and help me through the pain. I know there will be peace and beauty on the other side. But the human, hurting part of me does not want to go through any more. I want to be done. It is always about just taking one more step and growing in my healing and my trust in God. So, I am excited because I am finally doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. I know this is God's will for me and that is a good place to be. Eleven years ago, sitting in Psychology 101, my teacher (the greatest ever by the way) was lecturing about Pavlov's dogs. All I could think of was my conditioned response to my father's bed. I barely made it through the class. I decided then and there that if I was going to follow God's plan for my life and become a teacher, I better deal with my own stuff. I wouldn't be very effective if I fell apart when some girl brought her story to me. Thus began my journey of healing. I started college with the intention of majoring in education and minoring in psychology. That experience in psych 101 made me change my plans and I minored instead in German. But anyway, I joined a survivor group and started working on my past. The group was good, except that my faith did not seem to matter to the people there and any time I brought it up - it was discounted. It was all about self-empowerment and never being victimized again. I was taking 21 credits, had two elementary aged children, and was working on my healing. Thankfully, the aforementioned awesome teacher let me work out some of my healing through my assignments. It was so easy to tie my stuff in with what I was learning. I think because of that experience, the class stuck with me much more than it would have. But I also ran away from the second part of my calling because I was overwhelmed and scared. However, God has done much work in my life lately. I have to say that the difference between healing with biblical based principals and a worldly view is so much better. I barely scratched the surface of my pain before. I took anti-depressants to numb myself from the pain that was surfacing. Through STEP, I learned to accept the pain as a pathway to healing. Working through it basically sucked, but God was faithful and I am so much better now than I ever thought I would be.

I hope that this course will be a springboard for something else. I truly feel that I am not supposed to teach in high school forever. I am not sure where God is leading me and more than anything, I want to be open to new things. But for now, things are good. I have had a really good first couple of weeks at school. I had a rotten day on Friday, but in the middle of it, I turned to God. A friend brought me a book for my birthday on prayers and meditations for teachers. I opened to a page on adversity and it helped me to feel better. The day got worse, but I didn't spiral down that path towards despondency. I was upset and hurt by something that got blown out of proportion, but I just tried to take care of it as best as I could. I know that Satan will be fighting me tooth and nail because I have given my teaching and my classroom to God. So I will just keep on praying and continue to give it to God. I am surprised by God lately and the changes he has wrought in my life. (Ironically, that fits in with the new series we have at church - isn't God funny that way?) Anyway, that's it for now. Here's to a new week lived in the faith that God is in control.