Safe... what does it mean? These are questions I struggle
with while tears run silently down my face as I am once again ripped from sleep
by nightmares that leave me feeling decidedly unsafe in my own bed.
I have been pondering some deep theological truths lately,
in light of the journey God has had me on the past few years. This journey that
has been filled with pain and joy, this journey that is leading toward trust.
And as I lay in my bed pondering how it all somehow collides together into my
life story, I am reminded of the song Lion,
by Rebecca St. James. The song relates to The
Chronicles of Narnia. It talks about
how Aslan is mysterious and Lucy is scared - wondering if he is safe. She
realizes that although the lion Aslan is not safe, he is good. One line says "Wise eyes, you see the core of
me." When I compare the journey God has asked me to take to Aslan and
what he asks of those who follow him, I am left with the conclusion that what
he asks is never safe. In fact, what he asks of his followers is full on risk.
Following God may not be what the world considers safe; in fact it looks like
folly. In the confusion and fear that followed the nightmare, as I lay
pondering yet again what this new piece of the story will look like as it
unfolds, I came to understand that although the journey is not safe, it is
good.
When I stop to think about it, which I don't do often
enough, I am amazed at how God is writing this story. The way that each chapter
unfolds adds yet another layer and each chapter had to have the chapter before it
in order to make sense. I could not possibly be taking the steps I am now
without having gone through previous steps, without the trust that has been
slowly building over the past several years as God has asked me to walk through
some really hard things. But each step of the way, as unsafe and risky as it
was, God met me there and he brought healing I did not know I needed. And so
now, he requires more of me. He wishes to write a new chapter and it is called
trust. Because I have trust issues. Deep seated trust issues. I have them with
people that are barely known to me and those that are closest to me. And
honestly, I have them with God. I question why, a lot. Even so, God is patient
with me and lovingly shows me that he is trustworthy. Sometimes he shows me
through other people, sometimes through his word, sometimes it's a book or a song
or simply surrounding myself in nature. But God always shows me one more reason
why I can trust him. You'd think that after all these years, when God asks me
to do something, I would be able to trust blindly. But the wounds go to the
core, where no one but God can see. He knows what it will take to heal those
wounds and it is not safe.
Once again I find myself on the precipice of a new journey,
as God continues his chapter on trust in my life. God has asked me to take a
huge step of faith and forge a new path. He is asking me to once again, take
the road less traveled by. And although I know that road has made all the
difference, I am scared to my core. The one thing I feel I have learned the
last several years is obedience. When I hear God asking me to do something, I
still question, but I do it. So several weeks ago, I jumped straight through
the door God wanted me to open and this new journey has already been fraught
with risk and dare I say it, a total lack of control that I know will lead to a
greater trust. Two weeks ago I was joined in prayer asking for the next step.
It was crystal clear; as was the fact that I was to get no game plan, no nice
outline of the chapter, but rather just the cliffhanger and the rest would be
revealed as needed. Despite my fears,
yesterday I took that first step God asked of me. And it was hard. Harder than
I feared in fact. But I was able to do it. Maybe because what God knows is that
at my core, he built me with a strength that would see me through the pain of
remembering. He built me with the strength of a survivor, knowing I would need
to count on that strength time and time again. After I plunged over the
precipice into the unknown, I was hit with the awesome fact that there were
three people in that room with me who love me so much that they are willing to
walk this chapter with me, and together we will see how it unfolds. There are
no words to describe what that means to someone who has felt utterly alone in
this journey. As I lay awake after the nightmare pondering all of these things,
it is clear that God is leading me down a new path that will lead to a whole
new kind of trust. Truly, I get tied up in knots when I think about trust, that kind of trust, the kind where I
bare my soul to others. I'd rather keep it inside and hole myself away
surrounded by only me, because then I am safe. But I know that is not true.
Life is not safe, nor is the Christian journey. But it is good.
All of these thoughts would not be possible without the
devotions I've been reading and without a book that I picked up several weeks
ago. I've had the book since Christmas, but never even looked at it, which for
me is strange. But God knew. He knew I needed those words at this time in order
to help me ponder the deep meaning of trust and how that ties into the story he
is writing. He knew I needed to save those words for such a time as this, to
strengthen me for what he has asked of me. Because God is not simply asking for
my trust —no, he wants much more than simple trust. God is asking me for
intimacy, with him as well as those he has placed in my life. My thoughts are
honestly, "You've got to be kidding, right?" But no, God is not
kidding because truly, God knows what is at the core of me and he knows that
what I lack in my life more than anything is true intimacy and all that it
requires. Reading the words last night that lead me to that conclusion scared
the heck out of me, but also left me with a sense of hope for what God is
working in me. As I processed these thoughts, post nightmare, in the wee hours
of the morning, I was reminded again of Narnia, The Last Battle, where Aslan keeps prodding the children to come
further up and further in. This parallels what God is asking me to do, go
further into my journey with him, delve deeper into the heart of trust, which
will lead to intimacy.
So much of my life has been shaped by words. They have
helped me to escape the pain of my own life by bringing me to other worlds.
They have been my constant companion and my friend as I pour my own heart out
through them. They have helped me express what I cannot possibly say out loud.
Words, sentences, phrases, themes... they all run through my head in a thread
that often makes no sense at the beginning, but somehow it unravels to reveal
where the journey has taken me and where it will lead me. The words that rattle
in my head as tears flow down my face lead to the knowledge that although the
journey is not safe, it is good. They let me know that the trust and intimacy
God is asking of me will build as I go further up and further in.
07/07/2012
PS - The book that has contributed to some of these thoughts is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I'm beginning a new journey, along with the one referenced above, due to the words in this book. I know that both journeys are inexorably intertwined and I'm sure that there will be a blog post in the future related to this book and the journey it has sparked.
