New Directions

Lately, I feel been feeling rather “on edge”. My book being out there, as in with a publisher, has brought so many things to the forefront of my mind. I am waiting on the Lord in breathless anticipation of what will happen with the book. I wonder how I will feel if they want to publish, or if they don’t want to publish. The fact that it happened so quickly surprised a lot of people, including me. One of my friends encouraged me last night at church. She told me that even if they don’t accept my manuscript to keep trying. I will keep trying because too many people believe that my story is important and that it can help others. But I still wonder how I will feel. I have learned not to take too much stock in my feelings, because they are fleeting. What I have learned to do with them is to acknowledge and accept them, not push them away as invalid or weak.

I have been thinking a lot about what I will write next. My pastor encouraged me to continue the story. I think I would like to start with going back to college, because that is when I really started to work on my stuff and face all of the consequences of the abuse. It is amazing how much clarity God brings to my mind when I write. All the details play in my head like a movie. Sometimes, well oftentimes really, it is disconcerting - especially when I am recalling certain episodes or memories of the abuse. Writing, although an outlet for those feelings; brings them back to the surface where they must be dealt with. I have many tools now to deal with those feelings, but it still gives me the “on edge” feeling. I have lots of nightmares. I have learned through counseling and STEP to not push those feelings away, but rather to explore them in a prayerful attitude. I call on God, and He is there, right with me as I experience some terror related to my childhood. He comforts me and I know that by allowing myself to become weak, he will walk me through the valley of the shadow of death. Speaking of death, it no longer seems the preferable option to dealing with the after effects of abuse. Thinking of dying used to be the only out I could see from the torment of my memories. That is no longer the case. I have hope and I have peace that I never thought I would have. It has taken hard work on my part. It was not a miraculous cure. God did not bring instant healing, although He could have. Instead, He chose to give me people in my life to help me through the tough times. By being obedient to Him, by crawling around in the pit, and turning to God in the big and little things, He has grown me beyond my expectations. It’s ironic how that works. By turning over my life to God, admitting my weakness, I actually gain strength.

Although I am living in a state of expectation right now, I am not stressed or freaked out about what will happen. I do trust that the outcome is in God’s hands. It is a new and exciting place for me to be.