Nightmares, again.

The journey to heal from childhood abuse is so long, so exhausting at times. I am thankful for the people who have helped me along the way, thankful that I have a God who holds me in the darkest moments, those moments when I am surrounded by pain from the past, tormented by shadows, while tears slip silently to the pillow.

Another sleepless night... a heavy heart...
Pure, raw expression of where I am right now.

To sleep: perchance to dream...

But then again, maybe not

To sleep is to be chased by glimpses of the past

that crash into my present
violently wrenching away the hope of a restful night

I wonder if I ever slept with abandon

knowing I was safely tucked in where no harm would befall me
and no monsters lurked in the bedroom

Being jolted awake by hands that wandered where they never should have

or ripped out of bed to appease a selfish desire
sleep was never the stuff dreams are made of

More like the stuff nightmares are made of

nightmares that refused to remain hidden below the surface
clawing their way out from the recesses of my psyche, refusing to be ignored

Haunted by whispers, pain that doesn't end

wondering what's around the corner, behind the whispers
beside the bed...

Whispers that keep me awake

set me on edge
hyper aware of my surroundings, surrounded by shadows

Exhausted... tired of fighting the battle

ready to give in to the demons that call my name
just reveal yourself already

Then I can fight you —

but you know that
and you hold me captive... waiting... anticipating

 Your next move

So tired of you invading my life

so tired of you controlling my sleep
so tired of you weighing me down

I am so ready to defeat you once and for all

to sleep the sleep that is restorative
rather than destructive

When will I finally be done with you

to never hear your whispers again
or see your shadows chasing me

I cannot even imagine what it will be like with you gone

because I do not know a time when you were not here
my unwanted companion

To sleep: perchance to dream...

But then again, maybe not

krt/12-23-2011

Real, raw, uncensored

I am facing huge disappointment right now. I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions the past several months. God is redeeming some parts of me, long hidden away, things I did not even know that God was redeeming.


But on the other side, there are things I’ve been waiting for. Waiting and praying over. Waiting and being hurt. Waiting and shutting down. Waiting and praying again, hoping again. But then the doors have been not only closed, but slammed tight, locked up, throw away the key. Waiting 45 years for this, 29 years for that, 19 years for the other, 8 years for one more.

This poem comes from the disappointed side of me, the side that doesn’t understand and is tired of waiting. The side that is tired of being strong, sucking it up, and moving forward. The side that I keep hidden from the world because I like to keep it positive. But right now, that side is taking a back seat and I am expressing my deep hurt and disappointment that the waiting, for now, is for naught.

I am at a loss, don’t know what to feel or think
try my best, still stuck… still stuck.

Tired of being here/there, tired of a servant’s heart
that gets squished, squashed, smashed – broken.

Don’t understand, don’t know next steps
light is too far away, too far away to see.

This journey, I trust, pray, keep moving forward
daily negatives reinforce; I. am. stuck.

Positives, look for the bright side
yeah, but… so few – so far between.

The scale is piled so high and heavy it’s ready to topple over
in the wrong direction – and its poised to take me down with it.

Look at myself, deeper, no deeper yet,
what is unclean, unwilling within me?

Prayers to find the hidden, to know the purpose
to be molded to God’s perfect will for my life.

But why then is it so hard, why do I feel so cut off,
lost, burned out, hopeless

For we battle not against the forces of this world
Really? ‘Cuz I think I get that one…

Done with that lesson already God.
It’s me down here, waiting for some direction, something to let me know I’m on the right track. Anything? Please?

Just so done. NOTHING left inside to give
running on empty and now I have to push – uphill?

You’re kidding right? No?
Come on! I’m dying here.

Inside, where no one sees but you
do you see how broken I am?

Do you know that I don’t know the next step
or even how I’m going to move my foot?

Do you know that I want to just give up
cry uncle, crawl inside and never come out again?

Do you know how hard it is to trust
keep pushing, keep standing?

I know you know.
I’d just like the emotions to catch up.

‘Cuz right now, even though I know better
I feel lost, alone, empty, hopeless

Emotions conflicting, confused, crashing…
can't think anymore

03/10/2011 / ©krt

For my friends, thank you

The last few months have been absolutely crazy busy and hard on so many levels. In the midst of all of the chaos, there have been moments of peace. God has allowed me to see some of the reasons he has me where he has me right now. There have also been times when I wanted to (and did) say enough! I can’t do any more than I am already doing. I am tired, I need a break. What the heck were you thinking God when you asked me to take on grad school on top of my busy life? Even so, when I get out of myself for a minute, stop and reflect, I can see God’s hand moving, even in the worst of moments.

One thing has become crystal clear the last few months. God has surrounded me with some people that I am truly blessed to have in my life. Because of trust issues, there have not been too many people I have let in, but that is slowly changing. I’ve taken so many steps of faith the last few years and have truly let people see the real me. They haven’t gone running the other way when I reveal what is inside. In fact, they have stayed right by my side, loving me.

I would like to take a minute to acknowledge what some of you mean to me.

• Thank you for loving me, no strings attached. You have no idea what that means.  
• You don’t pull me in a million different directions.  
• You are constant.
• You don’t act one way one day and then pull the rug out from under me the next.
• You don’t ask me for anything.
• You know when something’s up, even when I don’t tell you.
• You pursue me when I don’t want to be pursued.
• You pray for me when I don’t ask.
• You let me vent, rant, cry, laugh… express my frustrations, my dreams, my hopes, and my questions.
• You hold me accountable for my part in stuff.
• You encourage me to just keep swimming.
• You motivate me and push me forward.
• Some of you have been an anchor in the storms of late.
• Some of you remind me to lighten up on myself and others.
• Some of you speak really hard truths to me.
• But mostly, you just love me as Christ loves me.

You show me how much God cares about me by how much you care about me. There is no way to let you know how that love has gotten me through the really hard days. There is no way to express the healing in the most secret places of my heart that your love has brought to me. Although there are areas where my heart’s desire is not fulfilled, God has shown me, through you, just how loved I am. I know that I know that he cares about the details. He cares about meeting the innermost desires of my heart. He knows that I cannot control what I most crave, so he provides me with love in so many different ways to reach out and comfort me. For those of you who have been a part of my journey, thank you for letting God use you to show me my value. Thank you for loving me.