The past few months have been full to the brim, and sometimes, flowing over the brim, but not in the joyful, overflowing sort of way. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and the wicks have met in the middle – I feel scorched in the secret places of my heart. I have left so much undone in my quest for perfection and just having too much on my plate. Some decisions had to be made for change and so now I embark on the new path God has laid before me.
I am taking a quarter off of school – at least a quarter. The counseling program has been awesome and I have learned so much. Giving up is not in my vocabulary and honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about this. I know that God started me on this path, but I do feel released from it for now. Some problems that have surfaced that I was unaware of when I started have made me rethink the entire thing. The biggest being that clinical internships are unpaid – we are NOT allowed to be paid. As the main bringer home of the proverbial bacon, that is an impossibility in my life right now. The other hurdles are the colloquia, two different 6-day residencies. Getting six days off of school is rather impossible as well. So I am thinking about changing programs and perhaps not pursuing a second masters. I am thinking of just getting certified in school counseling, and then starting again on the Mental Health Counselor program. I could take a sabbatical and get ½ pay and then do the clinicals. If I take a sabbatical, I would have to commit two more years to the district. It is just a thought and I am really unsure of what to do or which direction to turn. I don’t like to quit anything I’ve started so I feel conflicted right now. Prayers would be greatly appreciated.
In my new position as a middle school teacher, I have a big learning curve. In the past, I’ve forged ahead and done whatever I needed to be perfect in my job. I’ve learned so much the past five years and have made a huge effort to not drive myself so hard, not leave my family in the dust, and know that if I don’t do it perfectly it is okay. I understand where my drive for perfection comes from and I understand (finally) that God loves me just as I am. Therefore, I have committed to leave at a reasonable time, be home with my family and quit going in to work on the weekends by November. I should feel prepared with my new curriculum and schedule by then. Quitting school will help me to handle my new work load. But the learning curve is huge and the age difference is huge and right now I am feeling underprepared.
My sweet spot the past year has been my volunteer counseling at church. At this point, that also has to go. There is so much pressure from outside sources. It is often unspoken, but I hear it in the sighs and I feel it when one more thing gets added to the calendar. I have committed to my family first and holding firm to that has not yielded the results I would have hoped for. Nonetheless, God has called me to hold firm to my commitment. All I can do is my part. Other people are responsible for their part and I cannot control how they react to my changes. So for now, my sweet spot also has to give.
I know God has me in on the path of His choosing. Sometimes I wish I could see the end. I hope that the decisions are the right ones. So often I don’t know if the voices that confirm or deny are God or Satan. I try to seek counsel from those I consider wise, but alas, the voices continue to question… Am I doing the right thing? Am I really doing too much? Am I in God’s will? Although I have more peace in my life than I’ve ever had, the journey is sometimes so difficult. I know that I know that I know that God is with me. He has walked me through the dark valleys and held me in the darkest moments of my life. I am in a season where once again the darkness threatens. The nightmares are lurking, the enemy is prowling, and I am holding on to what I know to be true.
Perhaps by stepping back, I will gain clarity. Perhaps I can return the words that so often console me and help me make sense of the chaos. Perhaps God wants me right where I am so he can continue to make the changes he desires to see in me. I will trust in Him and I will not be afraid.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I’m Not as Distant as I Seem
Do I seem distant to you?
Take no offense -
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
Each of you adds to my understanding
of myself, of my world
but small doses are required
too many voices, the cacophony in my head overwhelms
I need to escape from the pounding din of activity
to the solitude of myself
so I can re-charge for the togetherness
that is required on this journey of outside my box
A lifetime spent in hiding from my reality
hiding the truth, the secrets, the lies
has not prepared me well for the world
I’m moving toward you, but slowly…
The solitude I seek heals me
I turn inward, reflect, listen, feel -
so I can move toward you as myself
it keeps the cacophony in my head from overwhelming
so if I seem distant
understand how far I’ve come
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
I wrote this as a response to the feelings I am having being away from home and with a group of virtual strangers for two weeks. It is an explanation as well as a way to explore myself further.
Take no offense -
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
Each of you adds to my understanding
of myself, of my world
but small doses are required
too many voices, the cacophony in my head overwhelms
I need to escape from the pounding din of activity
to the solitude of myself
so I can re-charge for the togetherness
that is required on this journey of outside my box
A lifetime spent in hiding from my reality
hiding the truth, the secrets, the lies
has not prepared me well for the world
I’m moving toward you, but slowly…
The solitude I seek heals me
I turn inward, reflect, listen, feel -
so I can move toward you as myself
it keeps the cacophony in my head from overwhelming
so if I seem distant
understand how far I’ve come
the longing for solitude runs deep
through my veins, through my soul
I wrote this as a response to the feelings I am having being away from home and with a group of virtual strangers for two weeks. It is an explanation as well as a way to explore myself further.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Secrets
I am taking a new course, Marriage and Family Systems. As part of the course, we had to create a three generation genogram of our family - it is a kind of map that includes family tree information as well as relationship, illnesses, addictions, abuse issues, etc. Because I will be gone to TX for two weeks I have been working feverishly since the class opened on Friday. Yesterday was the official start of class and I've finished three assignments so far. I knew from looking at the genogram assignment that it would be difficult on many levels. This is my first exposure to genograms so I had to learn about them as well as work with a downloaded trial software that I've never used before. I ended up re-doing the genogram several times because I couldn't get it to look the way I wanted it to. (Ah, the joys of perfectionism.)
Part of the assignment is to figure out dates and occupations and such. I know next to nothing about my father's family so I needed the assistance of my mother. It was easier than I thought it would be and she was very cooperative. Perhaps it is easier for her now because of the questions I have been asking the past several years. Anyway, she was very open and very helpful, which was awesome. In figuring out my father's date of birth, I went by what it says on my birth certificate, figuring his date of birth to be 1923. As I was relating his age at my birth, my mom said that was wrong, he was older than that. We left that issue alone to move on to other parts of the genogram. When she was looking at her security clearance papers for Lockheed, she came across more information on my father. He was born in 1915, not 1923. That would make him 50 when I was born, not the 42 he stated. I commented to my mother that was a stupid thing to lie about, but that his whole life had been about secrets. He had this whole other family I never knew about until after his death, and then a few years ago when I started digging in with my mother I learned about more secrets.
So, I'm left with knowing a little more than before, but there are still huge holes and many secrets that I'm not even sure I want to know. It makes me wonder about the secrets I keep in my own life. In my young adulthood, I kept a secret that almost destroyed two lives. In looking at the genogram, I can see the familial patterns, although I didn't even know that there were similar types of secrets at the time. I have thankfully been offered forgiveness for my secret and that taught me the power of the truth. From that day forward, there have been no secrets and no lies on my part. But sometimes, I still want to keep secrets from God. As if that works anyway. I want to keep secrets from God about my fears and my thoughts. Sometimes, I still feel as if God only knew the real me, he wouldn't love me anymore. Then I have to remind myself that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. He loves me in all of my fallibility. I am so thankful for that. It is strange to see how the patterns (or generational curses) have infiltrated so many levels of my family. Doing the genogram helped me to see the damage that those curses have caused in so many lives. Although it wasn't required, I added when I became a Christian under my name. Although I've failed miserably many times since that decision was made, I know that was the one decision that has made all of the difference. That, more than anything else has made me who I am today. It allowed me the grace to break the generational curses and to heal from the damage of those curses.
Part of the assignment is to figure out dates and occupations and such. I know next to nothing about my father's family so I needed the assistance of my mother. It was easier than I thought it would be and she was very cooperative. Perhaps it is easier for her now because of the questions I have been asking the past several years. Anyway, she was very open and very helpful, which was awesome. In figuring out my father's date of birth, I went by what it says on my birth certificate, figuring his date of birth to be 1923. As I was relating his age at my birth, my mom said that was wrong, he was older than that. We left that issue alone to move on to other parts of the genogram. When she was looking at her security clearance papers for Lockheed, she came across more information on my father. He was born in 1915, not 1923. That would make him 50 when I was born, not the 42 he stated. I commented to my mother that was a stupid thing to lie about, but that his whole life had been about secrets. He had this whole other family I never knew about until after his death, and then a few years ago when I started digging in with my mother I learned about more secrets.
So, I'm left with knowing a little more than before, but there are still huge holes and many secrets that I'm not even sure I want to know. It makes me wonder about the secrets I keep in my own life. In my young adulthood, I kept a secret that almost destroyed two lives. In looking at the genogram, I can see the familial patterns, although I didn't even know that there were similar types of secrets at the time. I have thankfully been offered forgiveness for my secret and that taught me the power of the truth. From that day forward, there have been no secrets and no lies on my part. But sometimes, I still want to keep secrets from God. As if that works anyway. I want to keep secrets from God about my fears and my thoughts. Sometimes, I still feel as if God only knew the real me, he wouldn't love me anymore. Then I have to remind myself that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. He loves me in all of my fallibility. I am so thankful for that. It is strange to see how the patterns (or generational curses) have infiltrated so many levels of my family. Doing the genogram helped me to see the damage that those curses have caused in so many lives. Although it wasn't required, I added when I became a Christian under my name. Although I've failed miserably many times since that decision was made, I know that was the one decision that has made all of the difference. That, more than anything else has made me who I am today. It allowed me the grace to break the generational curses and to heal from the damage of those curses.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Update
This has been a month full of ups and downs and decisions I never thought I would have to make. I think it is finally all settled. After my last post, I had made a decision to stay where the district had originally put me, only to be contacted a few days later by my new boss asking me to make yet another change. After going to my boss and talking it over with him, my husband, my mentor, and God, I came back to my principal and told him I couldn't make any decisions without a few things happening first. So, I went with a friend and visited the new school possibility. They were super nice and welcomed me with open arms. It felt really good, but I wanted to make sure, so I slept on it a few nights and made a list of pros and cons. The long and short of it is that I will be staying in the valley, teaching English to 7th and 9th graders. I won't have to drive 50 miles a day and it all worked out in the end.
I think the lesson from all of this is to always go to God first when things seem totally out of control, figure out what I do have control over, and check in with God and others before making any decisions. I also think that God was asking me how much I trusted Him, as in will I trust Him when things get really messed up. Although it was hard, and my frustration level was way up, I kept in mind that it was okay to be angry, but not to sin in my anger, and that God knows the big picture. I just need to be open to hearing from Him in order to know the right direction to go.
Next week I'll be training with my new colleagues and I'm looking forward to getting my feet wet and getting back into the world of teaching English. I am a little nervous about middle school, I've never taught it before, but I'm sure it will be fine. I just need to get used to the squirliness of that age and plan my lessons accordingly.
On the home front, we are still looking for a house and I'll be trying to sell some stuff we don't need and pack up boxes while I am out of school. I'm also trying to get everything ready for my two weeks at the Journalism Institute. I decided to take only one class this summer instead of two since the institute is smack dab in the middle of my semester. That's about it for now.
I think the lesson from all of this is to always go to God first when things seem totally out of control, figure out what I do have control over, and check in with God and others before making any decisions. I also think that God was asking me how much I trusted Him, as in will I trust Him when things get really messed up. Although it was hard, and my frustration level was way up, I kept in mind that it was okay to be angry, but not to sin in my anger, and that God knows the big picture. I just need to be open to hearing from Him in order to know the right direction to go.
Next week I'll be training with my new colleagues and I'm looking forward to getting my feet wet and getting back into the world of teaching English. I am a little nervous about middle school, I've never taught it before, but I'm sure it will be fine. I just need to get used to the squirliness of that age and plan my lessons accordingly.
On the home front, we are still looking for a house and I'll be trying to sell some stuff we don't need and pack up boxes while I am out of school. I'm also trying to get everything ready for my two weeks at the Journalism Institute. I decided to take only one class this summer instead of two since the institute is smack dab in the middle of my semester. That's about it for now.
Friday, May 29, 2009
More changes
Had a new possibility open up this week and have been wrestling with which direction God wants me to go.
- Talked it over with my husband who advised me to talk to some key players.
- Spoke with three different people and asked a very open ended question. All three basically told me the same two things.
- After talking over their advice with my hubby again, there was some conflict.
- He wanted me to do the easy thing, logistics wise. I wanted the opposite.
- Called some friends and asked for prayer and advice.
- Wrestled with God about they whys of this new possibility when I was settled about the change that already occurred.
- Told husband that my decision would be based on following God and following him as God had set him to be my authority.
- Told him I would not be upset or hold anything against him if his decision did not match mine.
- Got an email this morning with details of changes from the powers that be.
- Have one day to make the decision.
- Waiting on God and hubby for direction.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Restless lately
I had a very restless night, past few nights in fact. But last night I had a dream that was extremely disturbing. I don't usually have dreams that are that creepy so I woke up wondering what the heck. I do not watch icky shows like CSI because stuff like that lingers and it isn't good for me, but my dream was very much like the things that I know are on that show. Yuck.
So, I'm wondering if the changes are bringing on the restless feeling. I do trust where God is taking me, but... I know I'm not in control, but...
There is something worrying me, preying on my mind, and I am afraid for those I'm leaving behind. The question is, is there anything I can do to change things for the kids I'm leaving behind? All I know is that I have to try, even if it means going to the top of the chain of command. I can only do what I can do and then put my worries into God's hands. But if anything happens to my girls, God help me.
So, I'm wondering if the changes are bringing on the restless feeling. I do trust where God is taking me, but... I know I'm not in control, but...
There is something worrying me, preying on my mind, and I am afraid for those I'm leaving behind. The question is, is there anything I can do to change things for the kids I'm leaving behind? All I know is that I have to try, even if it means going to the top of the chain of command. I can only do what I can do and then put my worries into God's hands. But if anything happens to my girls, God help me.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Unexpected answers
I just re-read a previous post and it reminded me that God is in charge. I didn't where I was going, and God provided a direction through a new job that was completely not what I expected. So, through it all, God hears the cries of my heart, and answers. I know he sees the big picture. Although I don't understand where the road is going right now, I totally trust that he does and he will not let me get lost. Thank you God.
Roller Coaster Ride
You ever feel like you are on a roller coaster and you just want to get off? Well, it has been like that lately in my world. We’ve had a bumpy few weeks. To sum up:
It’s definitely been a roller coaster ride, but I actually haven’t been overly stressed about it. At first, when I found out about the possible cut, I just starting praying that no matter what happened, I knew that God was in control. Although I was in total shock when I found out it would be my position that got cut, I was really okay with knowing that God would provide. And he did. All of this happened in a way I would have never expected, or even really wanted. But I am trusting that God has released me from one school for a reason and the new position is where he wants me for now. I know I will be teaching English again, and that is exciting. It will be with jr. high kids which will be a totally new experience for me. I'm going to meet with the principal of the new school next week and I'm looking forward to learning more about my new assignment. Hopefully, the next few weeks won't be filled with so many twists and turns, but even if they are, I am confident that God knows where the roller coaster is going.
- We started the mortgage approval process about a month ago, after we thought the district was done cutting people due to budget cuts, and things kept getting delayed, which was frustrating.
- Then I found out the school board called an emergency meeting last Wednesday and a position was getting cut.
- Then we had a 10th grader die from an unknown medical condition two weeks ago, Thursday. She was the second one this year to die from the swim team. We’ve had more than our share of deaths at the school this year.
- On Friday, I had to drive kids to Sacramento for a yearbook workshop through a blinding snowstorm in a school vehicle with bad brakes and windshield wipers that did not work correctly.
- Then on Tuesday, I found out it was my position that would be cut.
- On Tuesday night I had agreed to co-facilitate a grief group for the kids from school and anyone else that may have been affected. Although I was dealing with my own shock from my job loss, I was able to give it over to God and be fully present for the group.
- On Wednesday after lunch, the guy from district HR came in to talk to me. I got reassigned to the school up at the lake for next year, so at least I still have a job.
- Then on Wed afternoon I found out I got accepted into an all-expense paid intensive summer program for journalism educators. (I probably won't even be teaching journalism next year, but only 35 out of 431 applicants got selected and I'm really excited to be in that group and learn what I can.)
- On Thursday I was able to share with the kids and select staff members that I had been reassigned and wouldn't return in the fall. I wanted to wait to tell my yearbook kids before I told anyone else, because it will affect them the most. That was a super hard conversation to have with them. I am sorry for them, but know that they will be just fine without me. This will be a life learning experience for them.
- Then on Friday we finally got our pre-approval from the bank. Now we can start looking for a house. We can buy a lot more for our money than we could six months ago, so the prospect of owning a house again is exciting.
It’s definitely been a roller coaster ride, but I actually haven’t been overly stressed about it. At first, when I found out about the possible cut, I just starting praying that no matter what happened, I knew that God was in control. Although I was in total shock when I found out it would be my position that got cut, I was really okay with knowing that God would provide. And he did. All of this happened in a way I would have never expected, or even really wanted. But I am trusting that God has released me from one school for a reason and the new position is where he wants me for now. I know I will be teaching English again, and that is exciting. It will be with jr. high kids which will be a totally new experience for me. I'm going to meet with the principal of the new school next week and I'm looking forward to learning more about my new assignment. Hopefully, the next few weeks won't be filled with so many twists and turns, but even if they are, I am confident that God knows where the roller coaster is going.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
If you don't have anything good to say...
It's been awhile since I've been on this thing. We had a few very busy weeks. We went to Phoenix, which was awesome, then we went to Sacramento, which had lots of bumps along the way, but we returned safely and with new furniture, so it was okay, and I started my 5th class in my masters program. Oh yeah, and I joined Facebook since everyone I know is on it. That accounts for the lack of paying attention to my blog in some respects. In other respects, I was probably avoiding writing.
I've grown up with a saying that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Although it wasn't modeled much for me, I do try to keep it in mind. So that's part of the silence. The other part is that sometimes, I just don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words.
The last few years, I have experienced an incredible season of growth. It is starting to taper off, which of obviously quite natural, but leaves me feeling kind of purposeless. I've had these strong, almost overwhelming urges to do this or that, but now I'm just moving forward on auto-pilot. I have a lot of things I would like to do: find a new job, find an agent or somehow publish my book, have a house I can call my own, finish my degree... but everything seems stuck right now. And I feel a heaviness that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not quite sure if I'm to the depression stage, but it is close. I wake up dreading going to work, but not the day itself. I don't feel hopeless, just like change is farther away than I want it to be. In my self-analysis, I'm trying to figure out if my frustration is simply my own selfish desires or if there is something deeper. Am I where God wants me and if I am, why is it so difficult? What is God trying to teach me through this season of my life? How do I find the answers I am seeking when I can't even fully form the questions? Why do I feel so unsettled?
With all of the questions, there are areas of rest. For instance my volunteer work. Last week I was complaining about the busy day ahead to my husband, but I ended it with at least the two hours at church will be good. That is where I feel useful and have purpose. That is where I believe God wants me to go, but the road will be long and I am weary of trying to do too many things at once. Right now, there is nothing I can do to take anything off my plate. I had a meeting with my supervisor yesterday at lunch and my teaching schedule for next year includes teaching six different classes - two more than I'm teaching now. My heart dropped and I felt like railing on the stupidity of the situation, but I knew it would do no good. I tried to express that I already had too much on my plate, that I was trying to grow as a professional and move into a different position within the district. I felt like it fell on deaf ears. The sad thing is that I feel like my supervisor sympathizes with me, but he is stuck as well. The wheels of the machine called the district turn and turn and there is nothing anyone can do about it. At least that is how it seems and no one who has any say will step up to change things. The meeting ended with my asking if he would write me a letter of recommendation, which he said he would gladly do. But now I am stuck with limited options. I've been looking at the job boards and local postings. There hasn't been anything so far. I've been told that I need to bloom where I am, but I feel like every time a small tender shoot of plant rises above the ground, someone dumps on too much fertilizer or the harsh winter comes back with a fury and freezes it.
So, right now, there are more questions than answers and I'm just praying that I make my decisions based on where God wants me, not my emotions which are pretty tangled up right now. I'll close with a saying we have a church that reminds me of who is in charge.
God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.
I've grown up with a saying that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Although it wasn't modeled much for me, I do try to keep it in mind. So that's part of the silence. The other part is that sometimes, I just don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words.
The last few years, I have experienced an incredible season of growth. It is starting to taper off, which of obviously quite natural, but leaves me feeling kind of purposeless. I've had these strong, almost overwhelming urges to do this or that, but now I'm just moving forward on auto-pilot. I have a lot of things I would like to do: find a new job, find an agent or somehow publish my book, have a house I can call my own, finish my degree... but everything seems stuck right now. And I feel a heaviness that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not quite sure if I'm to the depression stage, but it is close. I wake up dreading going to work, but not the day itself. I don't feel hopeless, just like change is farther away than I want it to be. In my self-analysis, I'm trying to figure out if my frustration is simply my own selfish desires or if there is something deeper. Am I where God wants me and if I am, why is it so difficult? What is God trying to teach me through this season of my life? How do I find the answers I am seeking when I can't even fully form the questions? Why do I feel so unsettled?
With all of the questions, there are areas of rest. For instance my volunteer work. Last week I was complaining about the busy day ahead to my husband, but I ended it with at least the two hours at church will be good. That is where I feel useful and have purpose. That is where I believe God wants me to go, but the road will be long and I am weary of trying to do too many things at once. Right now, there is nothing I can do to take anything off my plate. I had a meeting with my supervisor yesterday at lunch and my teaching schedule for next year includes teaching six different classes - two more than I'm teaching now. My heart dropped and I felt like railing on the stupidity of the situation, but I knew it would do no good. I tried to express that I already had too much on my plate, that I was trying to grow as a professional and move into a different position within the district. I felt like it fell on deaf ears. The sad thing is that I feel like my supervisor sympathizes with me, but he is stuck as well. The wheels of the machine called the district turn and turn and there is nothing anyone can do about it. At least that is how it seems and no one who has any say will step up to change things. The meeting ended with my asking if he would write me a letter of recommendation, which he said he would gladly do. But now I am stuck with limited options. I've been looking at the job boards and local postings. There hasn't been anything so far. I've been told that I need to bloom where I am, but I feel like every time a small tender shoot of plant rises above the ground, someone dumps on too much fertilizer or the harsh winter comes back with a fury and freezes it.
So, right now, there are more questions than answers and I'm just praying that I make my decisions based on where God wants me, not my emotions which are pretty tangled up right now. I'll close with a saying we have a church that reminds me of who is in charge.
God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Back home?
We just spent a long weekend in Phoenix with the kids. We hung out, went to the Renaissance Faire, saw the parents and the best friend. It was awesome! But at the same time, it was bittersweet. I was so excited to be "going home". But I knew I had to get back on a plane to come home in a few days. So even though I had an excellent time, it was super hard to see the people I love so much and only get to spend a few short hours with them. I wouldn't change having gone, even though it was hard to leave. It just got me to thinking about home and what home really is. Home isn't necessarily Phoenix, although my heart is in Arizona and the raw beauty of the place. It is more the people I miss. Home isn't Nevada, but Nevada has been the place where I have experienced massive amounts of growth in my personal life. I have never lived in a house that I wanted to stay in the rest of my life. I've never lived in a place I wanted to stay in the rest of my life. So is something wrong with me? Am I selfish, unsatisfied with what God has given me, or is the wanderlust part of who God created me to be? Do I never feel "home" because this earth is not my home or is that the easy answer? There probably aren't answers, I just have lots of questions right now because of my trip home. It was such a blessing to hang out with the kids and do the things we used to do when we lived there. For now, instead of being sad that I'm not there, I'll just look forward to July when my baby girl comes for a visit.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I trust you enough to let you hurt me…
Hebrews 12:11 (NIV) No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Last week I took a really hard fall on some ice. I went to the urgent care and nothing was broken, but I was battered and bruised. I took ibuprofen, alternated between ice and heat, and tried to rest. After a few days things started to feel better, except for my shoulder area. That started to hurt more. So I concentrated the ice/heat regimen to my shoulder. It started to hurt so much that it would wake me up at night and I could not sleep. So I made an appointment with my massage therapist.
While she was working on me, it hurt, a lot. She was apologizing for hurting me and I told her that I fully expected it to hurt when I made the appointment. I’ve been going to her for a few years now and I understand how the process works. Sometimes she has to hurt me in order to heal me. I told her that I was actually proud of myself for going to see her for a couple of reasons. It took a lot for me to ever walk in her door. Because of the abuse, I have trust issues with people and massage is a very vulnerable experience. It has taken time to build that trust with her so I can relax during the process and let her hands heal the stress that I hold in my body. Part of what built up the trust is that she realizes when I’m getting stressed about a procedure or technique. I start to hold my breath, or I try to breathe really deeply and concentrate on the breathing aspect to get me through the pain. She always checks in with me to see if I’m okay or if I want her to stop. Because of this, I have been able to stay present during the massage and not check out. That may not seem like a big deal, but in my world, it is huge. The second area of progress for me is that I made an appointment within a week, rather than just sucking up the pain for months. I have learned to not ignore my pain, not to stuff it, not to suck it up, but rather to acknowledge it as pain and do what I can to take care of it in a healthy way.
All of this got me to thinking about my walk with God. It was huge for me to tell my massage therapist that I trusted her enough to let her hurt me. I had to get to that same place in my walk with God. Because my father abused me, I had issues with God as a father figure. I kept putting my father’s image onto God. It took a long time to build trust with my heavenly father. I had to take baby steps first. Thankfully, people were willing to walk beside me as I made the journey. It is because people pushed me toward relationship with them that I started learning how to trust. When I was challenged to approach God a different way, it was hard, but because someone was walking with me, I knew I wouldn’t be alone.
An example of trusting God when I knew it would hurt is going back to face the pain of my past. I used to have these nightmares that were terrifying. I was so scared after each one that I wouldn’t sleep well for days. I was afraid to go to sleep because I could not control whether or not a nightmare would come. I would wake up covered in sweat and screaming. Whenever this happened I would pray, asking God to please take the nightmares away. I never remembered the nightmares, only the terror I felt. I was sure that whatever they were about was so bad that I would not be able to handle it if I remembered. A friend challenged me to not pray for them to go away, but to ask God what it was he wanted to reveal to me through the nightmares. The first time I prayed that prayer, I was scared to death of the answers I would get. I wasn’t hit with everything at once when I started asking God to reveal the nightmares to me. I would pray, acknowledge how scared I was to pray that prayer, and try to go back to sleep. The memories came back different ways. After a nightmare and praying, I would be concentrating on scripture and I would remember something. Or, I would be doing something the next day and I would remember something. Actions of people or places would trigger a memory. The memories came back slowly enough to allow me time to process them. They were horrible. I was right to be afraid of remembering. But because I had asked God to lead me and told him I was trying to trust that he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle, I was able to place the memories in his capable hands. When a particularly bad memory would surface, I had people I could process with right away. The pain and memories I was so afraid of did not overwhelm me to the point of helplessness. I felt supported by my relationships with those that chose to walk the hard road with me. I felt supported by God who wasn’t giving me too much at one time. I was afraid when I prayed that prayer that God would answer it, but I was more afraid of being plagued by terrifying nightmares the rest of my life. I trusted God enough to let him lead me through the pain.
I haven’t had a nightmare for a very long time now. I think I have remembered what I needed to remember. But if they return, I will know that God isn’t trying to hurt me, he is trying to heal me. I trust him enough to walk through the pain. It is only in walking through the pain of my past that I was able to heal.
In the midst of the healing process, my daughter sent me this quote. It sums up the process beautifully.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. ~ Anais Nin
Last week I took a really hard fall on some ice. I went to the urgent care and nothing was broken, but I was battered and bruised. I took ibuprofen, alternated between ice and heat, and tried to rest. After a few days things started to feel better, except for my shoulder area. That started to hurt more. So I concentrated the ice/heat regimen to my shoulder. It started to hurt so much that it would wake me up at night and I could not sleep. So I made an appointment with my massage therapist.
While she was working on me, it hurt, a lot. She was apologizing for hurting me and I told her that I fully expected it to hurt when I made the appointment. I’ve been going to her for a few years now and I understand how the process works. Sometimes she has to hurt me in order to heal me. I told her that I was actually proud of myself for going to see her for a couple of reasons. It took a lot for me to ever walk in her door. Because of the abuse, I have trust issues with people and massage is a very vulnerable experience. It has taken time to build that trust with her so I can relax during the process and let her hands heal the stress that I hold in my body. Part of what built up the trust is that she realizes when I’m getting stressed about a procedure or technique. I start to hold my breath, or I try to breathe really deeply and concentrate on the breathing aspect to get me through the pain. She always checks in with me to see if I’m okay or if I want her to stop. Because of this, I have been able to stay present during the massage and not check out. That may not seem like a big deal, but in my world, it is huge. The second area of progress for me is that I made an appointment within a week, rather than just sucking up the pain for months. I have learned to not ignore my pain, not to stuff it, not to suck it up, but rather to acknowledge it as pain and do what I can to take care of it in a healthy way.
All of this got me to thinking about my walk with God. It was huge for me to tell my massage therapist that I trusted her enough to let her hurt me. I had to get to that same place in my walk with God. Because my father abused me, I had issues with God as a father figure. I kept putting my father’s image onto God. It took a long time to build trust with my heavenly father. I had to take baby steps first. Thankfully, people were willing to walk beside me as I made the journey. It is because people pushed me toward relationship with them that I started learning how to trust. When I was challenged to approach God a different way, it was hard, but because someone was walking with me, I knew I wouldn’t be alone.
An example of trusting God when I knew it would hurt is going back to face the pain of my past. I used to have these nightmares that were terrifying. I was so scared after each one that I wouldn’t sleep well for days. I was afraid to go to sleep because I could not control whether or not a nightmare would come. I would wake up covered in sweat and screaming. Whenever this happened I would pray, asking God to please take the nightmares away. I never remembered the nightmares, only the terror I felt. I was sure that whatever they were about was so bad that I would not be able to handle it if I remembered. A friend challenged me to not pray for them to go away, but to ask God what it was he wanted to reveal to me through the nightmares. The first time I prayed that prayer, I was scared to death of the answers I would get. I wasn’t hit with everything at once when I started asking God to reveal the nightmares to me. I would pray, acknowledge how scared I was to pray that prayer, and try to go back to sleep. The memories came back different ways. After a nightmare and praying, I would be concentrating on scripture and I would remember something. Or, I would be doing something the next day and I would remember something. Actions of people or places would trigger a memory. The memories came back slowly enough to allow me time to process them. They were horrible. I was right to be afraid of remembering. But because I had asked God to lead me and told him I was trying to trust that he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle, I was able to place the memories in his capable hands. When a particularly bad memory would surface, I had people I could process with right away. The pain and memories I was so afraid of did not overwhelm me to the point of helplessness. I felt supported by my relationships with those that chose to walk the hard road with me. I felt supported by God who wasn’t giving me too much at one time. I was afraid when I prayed that prayer that God would answer it, but I was more afraid of being plagued by terrifying nightmares the rest of my life. I trusted God enough to let him lead me through the pain.
I haven’t had a nightmare for a very long time now. I think I have remembered what I needed to remember. But if they return, I will know that God isn’t trying to hurt me, he is trying to heal me. I trust him enough to walk through the pain. It is only in walking through the pain of my past that I was able to heal.
In the midst of the healing process, my daughter sent me this quote. It sums up the process beautifully.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. ~ Anais Nin
Saturday, February 21, 2009
We create our own realities, part two
I have been pondering about perspective a lot lately. Perhaps it is the class I am taking or perhaps I am taking this class now because God knew it would fit with my growth pattern. Anyway, this week we have been discussing positive psychology and whether or not it influences personality. There have been some profound statements from my classmates and other statements that I consider to be really out there. It is based on my perspective.
A while back at church, our pastor did a series on worldview. I now carry a Christian worldview or perspective; however, I struggle against the humanistic worldview that reflects my upbringing. When I mentioned this struggle to my husband, he was surprised and said he didn’t see that in me at all. So, do I do a good job of hiding it, or am I truly giving that part of me to God and let Him help me through those struggles? It’s probably a little of both.
My perspective on me has changed so much over the past decade. When I first went to group counseling for the abuse, I tried to bring my faith into the process, but it was discouraged. Without a strong church support, I just tried to learn as much as I could. I gave everything I had to the process, and I did experience growth. However, I did not experience healing. I learned tools to deal with the pain, but the pain was not healed. I learned self-empowerment, but not submission to my Lord. I learned to manage the nightmares, the body memories, the flashbacks, but I was not free.
The next time that I pursued counseling for the abuse it was through a recovery group at church. Although I was scared to go down this road again, I felt the push to dive in. The last time was awful. I turned to anti-depressants; I pretty much did what I had to do to get through the day. But so much suffered: my marriage, my kids, my faith. When I thought about joining the survivor group at church, I had a long talk with my husband first. He felt that he almost lost me from the last foray into my past. In his love for me, he encouraged me to go forward, knowing it may again cause a disconnect as I delved into the pain. Looking back, with a new perspective, I see that it is the fact that God was in the midst of this process that made all the difference. As Frost would say, it was the road chosen. I not only learned about the destructive patterns I had that were symptomatic of the abuse, I learned how to give those patterns to God. Learning to trust again was huge. It was overwhelming and seemed impossible. I would sit in church and sob, wondering if the pain inside would ever really be gone. Slowly, the miracle occurred. There are moments of epiphany I can point to, moments of holding on for dear life, and seasons of putting one foot in front of the other and taking one step at a time. It all led to the place I am now; on a new journey of helping others walk the same path. My perspective has changed, and I thank God that I took His road, the road less traveled.
A while back at church, our pastor did a series on worldview. I now carry a Christian worldview or perspective; however, I struggle against the humanistic worldview that reflects my upbringing. When I mentioned this struggle to my husband, he was surprised and said he didn’t see that in me at all. So, do I do a good job of hiding it, or am I truly giving that part of me to God and let Him help me through those struggles? It’s probably a little of both.
My perspective on me has changed so much over the past decade. When I first went to group counseling for the abuse, I tried to bring my faith into the process, but it was discouraged. Without a strong church support, I just tried to learn as much as I could. I gave everything I had to the process, and I did experience growth. However, I did not experience healing. I learned tools to deal with the pain, but the pain was not healed. I learned self-empowerment, but not submission to my Lord. I learned to manage the nightmares, the body memories, the flashbacks, but I was not free.
The next time that I pursued counseling for the abuse it was through a recovery group at church. Although I was scared to go down this road again, I felt the push to dive in. The last time was awful. I turned to anti-depressants; I pretty much did what I had to do to get through the day. But so much suffered: my marriage, my kids, my faith. When I thought about joining the survivor group at church, I had a long talk with my husband first. He felt that he almost lost me from the last foray into my past. In his love for me, he encouraged me to go forward, knowing it may again cause a disconnect as I delved into the pain. Looking back, with a new perspective, I see that it is the fact that God was in the midst of this process that made all the difference. As Frost would say, it was the road chosen. I not only learned about the destructive patterns I had that were symptomatic of the abuse, I learned how to give those patterns to God. Learning to trust again was huge. It was overwhelming and seemed impossible. I would sit in church and sob, wondering if the pain inside would ever really be gone. Slowly, the miracle occurred. There are moments of epiphany I can point to, moments of holding on for dear life, and seasons of putting one foot in front of the other and taking one step at a time. It all led to the place I am now; on a new journey of helping others walk the same path. My perspective has changed, and I thank God that I took His road, the road less traveled.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
We create our own realities
In our class discussion this week, we are focusing on self-efficacy, motivation, and self-esteem from a social-cognitive and behavioral perspective. One of my classmates, Melissa, wrote this at the end of her post:
"All in all, we humans tend to create our own "suffering" based on the perceptions, reactions, and acceptance levels of situations."
I found that to be a profound statement of truth. No matter the circumstances, most of us can create our own brand of suffering. Obviously, there is suffering in our world and many people are truly victims of others. However, I am learning more and more that once we are aware of our stuff, it is what we do with it. Often, we hold on to the past and thus "create our own suffering". We choose to identify ourselves with our pain, our perceptions, our unrealistic expectations. And we suffer because of our stinking thinking.
If I'm honest, I still have areas where I create my own suffering. For instance, in my workplace I find it easy to take the "poor me" attitude. Yes, things are often unfair and the culture there is skewed toward time in rather than performance. However, God has placed me there for a reason. So, do I complain or do I serve? The choice is mine. The choice to suffer is mine as well. When I focus on the negatives instead of serving, I am choosing to suffer.
I know what it is to suffer, to be a victim, to be stuck in being a victim. I also know the freedom I have found through changing my perspective and choosing not to be stuck in my suffering. I know the freedom that is only found in forgiveness; forgiving others and accepting forgiveness for myself. I know the peace that comes from letting go and giving it to God. Some days, I don't do so well at this. But overall, there is progress. There is peace that I never could have imagined. The struggle through the valley and learning how to trust again; it was worth it. It was so worth it.
"All in all, we humans tend to create our own "suffering" based on the perceptions, reactions, and acceptance levels of situations."
I found that to be a profound statement of truth. No matter the circumstances, most of us can create our own brand of suffering. Obviously, there is suffering in our world and many people are truly victims of others. However, I am learning more and more that once we are aware of our stuff, it is what we do with it. Often, we hold on to the past and thus "create our own suffering". We choose to identify ourselves with our pain, our perceptions, our unrealistic expectations. And we suffer because of our stinking thinking.
If I'm honest, I still have areas where I create my own suffering. For instance, in my workplace I find it easy to take the "poor me" attitude. Yes, things are often unfair and the culture there is skewed toward time in rather than performance. However, God has placed me there for a reason. So, do I complain or do I serve? The choice is mine. The choice to suffer is mine as well. When I focus on the negatives instead of serving, I am choosing to suffer.
I know what it is to suffer, to be a victim, to be stuck in being a victim. I also know the freedom I have found through changing my perspective and choosing not to be stuck in my suffering. I know the freedom that is only found in forgiveness; forgiving others and accepting forgiveness for myself. I know the peace that comes from letting go and giving it to God. Some days, I don't do so well at this. But overall, there is progress. There is peace that I never could have imagined. The struggle through the valley and learning how to trust again; it was worth it. It was so worth it.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Jenny
In my new class on personality, we have to pick a movie to watch and analyze the chosen character according to the personality theories we are learning about. From the list, I chose to watch Forrest Gump and analyze Jenny.
The first time I ever saw the movie, I tried to ignore the obvious about Jenny, but the scene where she throws her shoes and rocks at her house just tore me up. Thankfully, I've healed so much since then. Even so, I knew it would be a hard choice of a movie for me. And it was. I can see so much of myself in Jenny's character. So much of keeping the distance, not letting anyone in, engaging in self-destructive habits. Although those characteristics of mine are mostly gone, I still relate so deeply with the struggles that Jenny went through. From my perspective now, my heart cries out to her, "Just let yourself be loved, truly loved".
When someone has experienced the pain of sexual abuse, it is so hard to allow yourself to be loved, to let go and to trust. To me, the character of Forrest is Jesus with skin on. God sends people into our lives to show us the depth of His love for us. In his quiet faith, Forrest never gave up on Jenny. He loved her through all of the rejection and the running away. He loved her through the confusion of her reaching out and pushing back. He just loved her because she was worthy of his love. Just like God loves us because we are worthy of his love. His love was always there for Jenny, as God's love was always there for me. Through my rejection, running away, reaching out and pushing back, God was always there. He showed me that by the people he placed in my life, the people that for me, were Jesus with skin on. I thank God every day for saving me from the hell I was in and for showing me His love. I thank Him for the healing he has brought into my life and the ability to use what I know to help others. I am so overwhelmed by the fact that he pursued me and would not let me go, that he was always there, even when I did not want Him to be.
Jenny and I, we are kindred spirits. For the actual Jenny's in my life, know that there is hope and it is found in allowing yourself to be loved deeply by God. Take a step of faith and reach out to those He has placed in your life. He will pursue you and He won't let you go, because you are worthy of His unimaginable love.
Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The first time I ever saw the movie, I tried to ignore the obvious about Jenny, but the scene where she throws her shoes and rocks at her house just tore me up. Thankfully, I've healed so much since then. Even so, I knew it would be a hard choice of a movie for me. And it was. I can see so much of myself in Jenny's character. So much of keeping the distance, not letting anyone in, engaging in self-destructive habits. Although those characteristics of mine are mostly gone, I still relate so deeply with the struggles that Jenny went through. From my perspective now, my heart cries out to her, "Just let yourself be loved, truly loved".
When someone has experienced the pain of sexual abuse, it is so hard to allow yourself to be loved, to let go and to trust. To me, the character of Forrest is Jesus with skin on. God sends people into our lives to show us the depth of His love for us. In his quiet faith, Forrest never gave up on Jenny. He loved her through all of the rejection and the running away. He loved her through the confusion of her reaching out and pushing back. He just loved her because she was worthy of his love. Just like God loves us because we are worthy of his love. His love was always there for Jenny, as God's love was always there for me. Through my rejection, running away, reaching out and pushing back, God was always there. He showed me that by the people he placed in my life, the people that for me, were Jesus with skin on. I thank God every day for saving me from the hell I was in and for showing me His love. I thank Him for the healing he has brought into my life and the ability to use what I know to help others. I am so overwhelmed by the fact that he pursued me and would not let me go, that he was always there, even when I did not want Him to be.
Jenny and I, we are kindred spirits. For the actual Jenny's in my life, know that there is hope and it is found in allowing yourself to be loved deeply by God. Take a step of faith and reach out to those He has placed in your life. He will pursue you and He won't let you go, because you are worthy of His unimaginable love.
Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Proverbs 4:26
"Watch the path of your feet And all your ways will be established" (NASB).
“Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established” (HCSB).
Two versions of the same verse that were exactly what I needed to ponder this morning. When making decisions, I need to remember to "carefully consider" before making the decision. I need to bring it God and let it sit for awhile. The world won't end if I don't make my decision quickly and it will be a better decision for having waited it out.
It's so hard to know sometimes if what we feel like doing is what God would have us do, if we are really on the right path. Slowing down and meditating is hard for me. I want the right answer and I want it now, to be brutally honest. But I am slowly gaining maturity in this area of my life. I am learning to not make big decisions based on my emotion alone. I am learning to seek counsel from others, especially when it comes to financial decisions. It is hard to wait, but I am starting to see the benefits of slowing down and carefully considering my options.
“Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established” (HCSB).
Two versions of the same verse that were exactly what I needed to ponder this morning. When making decisions, I need to remember to "carefully consider" before making the decision. I need to bring it God and let it sit for awhile. The world won't end if I don't make my decision quickly and it will be a better decision for having waited it out.
It's so hard to know sometimes if what we feel like doing is what God would have us do, if we are really on the right path. Slowing down and meditating is hard for me. I want the right answer and I want it now, to be brutally honest. But I am slowly gaining maturity in this area of my life. I am learning to not make big decisions based on my emotion alone. I am learning to seek counsel from others, especially when it comes to financial decisions. It is hard to wait, but I am starting to see the benefits of slowing down and carefully considering my options.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Random thoughts
I have lots of stuff rambling around in my head lately. Here are some of the things that have been taking lots of synaptic effort:
- If I only had a short time to live, what would I really change? What would take priority? What would I give up? What would matter?
- Is this really the beginning of the end times? There are signs that make me believe so, but then again, people throughout history have thought the same, for instance during WWII. But if it isn't, it sure feels like it.
- What will it take to make a real heart change for someone that won't accept God, even when God is staring that person in the face? Does God ever get tired of me praying for certain people? I have to admit, I get worn out by it sometimes and I get frustrated at the seeming lack of progress.
- How do I become a 1st Peter wife? How do I truly see people through God's eyes when so often I can't even see beyond myself and my own petty worries.
- Why the heck do I have study Freud and why the heck is he still so revered? In my opinion, he was one sick puppy with a very twisted viewpoint.
- Why do I feel like I always have to clean up other people's messes? Is it because I'm being controlling? What would happen if I just let it go? Can I just let it go?
- Will I have a job next year? I want nothing more than to leave my current position; however, I want it to be on my own time schedule.
- Do I have enough faith to get me through if I lose my job? I hope so.
- Do I have enough faith to give my finances to God? I think not.
Lots of stuff, very few answers. I will close with a verse that helps when I get frazzled.
Ps. 37.7 Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
In Memory
I lost a dear family friend on Saturday, January 3rd. Her family isn't holding traditional services, but rather hosting a memorial website. So, rather than going to a funeral, I had to look deep inside and try to express in words to the family the impact of her life on mine. I didn't want to write this letter because I knew just how much it would hurt, to acknowledge the loss of one who leaves nothing but good memories. But it also makes me realize how thankful I am that she and her family were and are a part of my life.
This is my attempt to sum up in a short letter a lifetime of influence.
Gene and Raymond,
I just wanted to let you know how saddened I am by your loss. My prayers are with you at this time. I hope that you know just how much Dorothy and your family means to me.
There has never been a time in my life that you all weren’t there. Your family is an extension of mine and if you don’t know, I love you deeply. In thinking about what to say, many memories of Dorothy over the years come to mind. I have never not known your family. There were times when I was little that I stayed over at your house and you were like parents to me and Ray seemed like a brother. The many family vacations together and the memories of those moments stand out as bright shining rays of hope to a little girl that needed love and laughter. I remember the trip to the dude ranch, swimming in the lake, cabins in the snow and Dorothy making hot cocoa for all of us kids, frozen by the winter cold. I remember the hugs and the laughter from every vacation and trip to your house. I still have the doll Dorothy and Gene bought me from our trip to Baja when I got a stomachache from the seafood. I remember riding in the car with your family, going past the ship graveyard and the wonder I felt that something so big could be destroyed. I remember the feeling of family over shared meals, birthdays and holidays, fights between us kids, St. Bernard dog kisses, rock tumbling, and teddy bears, and mostly being tucked in at night by Dorothy when I stayed over.
I’ll never forget when Dorothy came to visit us in Arizona and how much more deeply I loved her for facing life’s hardships head on. I remember the pride she showed to me when I graduated from high school and how she truly seemed to care about who my friends were and where my life was heading. I am so thankful that during the trying times of my early adulthood, there was never judgment, but always love. There were always Christmas cards and checks for the kids. Not once did your family ever forget my kids for Christmas. I was so blessed to have both Dorothy and Gene at my wedding and her words about Lance have not left me. She was able to see into the heart of people and judge them accordingly. Her wisdom was and always will be valued. Her generosity and love got me through some tough times. Being included in your family influenced me and helped shape the person I am today. The love and encouragement that was freely given will always remain with me.
I will miss Dorothy and grieve her loss as I would grieve the loss of a mother. I love you so much. Thank you for caring for me and leaving an indelible imprint on my life. May God comfort and bless you both.
All my love,
Kimberly
This is my attempt to sum up in a short letter a lifetime of influence.
Gene and Raymond,
I just wanted to let you know how saddened I am by your loss. My prayers are with you at this time. I hope that you know just how much Dorothy and your family means to me.
There has never been a time in my life that you all weren’t there. Your family is an extension of mine and if you don’t know, I love you deeply. In thinking about what to say, many memories of Dorothy over the years come to mind. I have never not known your family. There were times when I was little that I stayed over at your house and you were like parents to me and Ray seemed like a brother. The many family vacations together and the memories of those moments stand out as bright shining rays of hope to a little girl that needed love and laughter. I remember the trip to the dude ranch, swimming in the lake, cabins in the snow and Dorothy making hot cocoa for all of us kids, frozen by the winter cold. I remember the hugs and the laughter from every vacation and trip to your house. I still have the doll Dorothy and Gene bought me from our trip to Baja when I got a stomachache from the seafood. I remember riding in the car with your family, going past the ship graveyard and the wonder I felt that something so big could be destroyed. I remember the feeling of family over shared meals, birthdays and holidays, fights between us kids, St. Bernard dog kisses, rock tumbling, and teddy bears, and mostly being tucked in at night by Dorothy when I stayed over.
I’ll never forget when Dorothy came to visit us in Arizona and how much more deeply I loved her for facing life’s hardships head on. I remember the pride she showed to me when I graduated from high school and how she truly seemed to care about who my friends were and where my life was heading. I am so thankful that during the trying times of my early adulthood, there was never judgment, but always love. There were always Christmas cards and checks for the kids. Not once did your family ever forget my kids for Christmas. I was so blessed to have both Dorothy and Gene at my wedding and her words about Lance have not left me. She was able to see into the heart of people and judge them accordingly. Her wisdom was and always will be valued. Her generosity and love got me through some tough times. Being included in your family influenced me and helped shape the person I am today. The love and encouragement that was freely given will always remain with me.
I will miss Dorothy and grieve her loss as I would grieve the loss of a mother. I love you so much. Thank you for caring for me and leaving an indelible imprint on my life. May God comfort and bless you both.
All my love,
Kimberly
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Today's Devotion
One of the presents I got this year is Walking with Christ Every Day, a devotional book. Today, a passage struck me as so true.
The sad truth is that the commentary is so right. At times like this, I recognize how blessed I am to know the difference God has made in my life. Growing up as far as possible from the church has allowed me to embrace Jesus with an enthusiasm that some Christians find almost distasteful. I have seen God work in my life and I am so grateful for the changes He has wrought. I struggle with imparting this truth I know in my very being to those that have "known Him" their entire lives:
I am so thankful that I know from whence I came and I anticipate where God will take me next. This thing called life is an exciting journey and even though it is hard sometimes, I have someone that I can turn to in all things. That makes all the difference.
Today, some of the hardest groups of people to reach are not the Jews but those
who have gone to church all their lives, are familiar with the Gospel story, converse
using spiritual cliches, and sing the traditional hymns of faith from memory, yet
have never truly placed their faith in Jesus Christ. - Anne Graham Lotz
The sad truth is that the commentary is so right. At times like this, I recognize how blessed I am to know the difference God has made in my life. Growing up as far as possible from the church has allowed me to embrace Jesus with an enthusiasm that some Christians find almost distasteful. I have seen God work in my life and I am so grateful for the changes He has wrought. I struggle with imparting this truth I know in my very being to those that have "known Him" their entire lives:
- the truth that He can make a difference
- the truth that he wants to be intimately connected to them
- the truth that he loves them just as they are
- the truth that he will radically change their lives and their hearts if only they let him
I am so thankful that I know from whence I came and I anticipate where God will take me next. This thing called life is an exciting journey and even though it is hard sometimes, I have someone that I can turn to in all things. That makes all the difference.
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