If you don't have anything good to say...

It's been awhile since I've been on this thing. We had a few very busy weeks. We went to Phoenix, which was awesome, then we went to Sacramento, which had lots of bumps along the way, but we returned safely and with new furniture, so it was okay, and I started my 5th class in my masters program. Oh yeah, and I joined Facebook since everyone I know is on it. That accounts for the lack of paying attention to my blog in some respects. In other respects, I was probably avoiding writing.

I've grown up with a saying that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Although it wasn't modeled much for me, I do try to keep it in mind. So that's part of the silence. The other part is that sometimes, I just don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words.

The last few years, I have experienced an incredible season of growth. It is starting to taper off, which of obviously quite natural, but leaves me feeling kind of purposeless. I've had these strong, almost overwhelming urges to do this or that, but now I'm just moving forward on auto-pilot. I have a lot of things I would like to do: find a new job, find an agent or somehow publish my book, have a house I can call my own, finish my degree... but everything seems stuck right now. And I feel a heaviness that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not quite sure if I'm to the depression stage, but it is close. I wake up dreading going to work, but not the day itself. I don't feel hopeless, just like change is farther away than I want it to be. In my self-analysis, I'm trying to figure out if my frustration is simply my own selfish desires or if there is something deeper. Am I where God wants me and if I am, why is it so difficult? What is God trying to teach me through this season of my life? How do I find the answers I am seeking when I can't even fully form the questions? Why do I feel so unsettled?

With all of the questions, there are areas of rest. For instance my volunteer work. Last week I was complaining about the busy day ahead to my husband, but I ended it with at least the two hours at church will be good. That is where I feel useful and have purpose. That is where I believe God wants me to go, but the road will be long and I am weary of trying to do too many things at once. Right now, there is nothing I can do to take anything off my plate. I had a meeting with my supervisor yesterday at lunch and my teaching schedule for next year includes teaching six different classes - two more than I'm teaching now. My heart dropped and I felt like railing on the stupidity of the situation, but I knew it would do no good. I tried to express that I already had too much on my plate, that I was trying to grow as a professional and move into a different position within the district. I felt like it fell on deaf ears. The sad thing is that I feel like my supervisor sympathizes with me, but he is stuck as well. The wheels of the machine called the district turn and turn and there is nothing anyone can do about it. At least that is how it seems and no one who has any say will step up to change things. The meeting ended with my asking if he would write me a letter of recommendation, which he said he would gladly do. But now I am stuck with limited options. I've been looking at the job boards and local postings. There hasn't been anything so far. I've been told that I need to bloom where I am, but I feel like every time a small tender shoot of plant rises above the ground, someone dumps on too much fertilizer or the harsh winter comes back with a fury and freezes it.

So, right now, there are more questions than answers and I'm just praying that I make my decisions based on where God wants me, not my emotions which are pretty tangled up right now. I'll close with a saying we have a church that reminds me of who is in charge.

God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.

Back home?

We just spent a long weekend in Phoenix with the kids. We hung out, went to the Renaissance Faire, saw the parents and the best friend. It was awesome! But at the same time, it was bittersweet. I was so excited to be "going home". But I knew I had to get back on a plane to come home in a few days. So even though I had an excellent time, it was super hard to see the people I love so much and only get to spend a few short hours with them. I wouldn't change having gone, even though it was hard to leave. It just got me to thinking about home and what home really is. Home isn't necessarily Phoenix, although my heart is in Arizona and the raw beauty of the place. It is more the people I miss. Home isn't Nevada, but Nevada has been the place where I have experienced massive amounts of growth in my personal life. I have never lived in a house that I wanted to stay in the rest of my life. I've never lived in a place I wanted to stay in the rest of my life. So is something wrong with me? Am I selfish, unsatisfied with what God has given me, or is the wanderlust part of who God created me to be? Do I never feel "home" because this earth is not my home or is that the easy answer? There probably aren't answers, I just have lots of questions right now because of my trip home. It was such a blessing to hang out with the kids and do the things we used to do when we lived there. For now, instead of being sad that I'm not there, I'll just look forward to July when my baby girl comes for a visit.