Walking the Precipice

Edges, falling, darkness, the unknown... That is how I am feeling right now. I am walking on the edge of an abyss - an abyss of the unknown and of fear. But I keep scooting away, trying not to fall in, trying to hold on to the edge. I hate this feeling. At work, I have to keep on my happy face. Sometimes though, I go into the bathroom and let the tears fall in silence. No one at work sees my pain. Do I share my vulnerability with a few? But then they may think I am unbalanced. Sigh. I hate PTSD. When I am under stress from the outside, the demons on the inside rear their ugly heads. The nightmares come and they not only invade my bed, they invade the day. I feel as if I give in I will fall and never recover. I KNOW that is not true. I KNOW God is with me in the darkest valley. But still I fear knowing more of that which was lost so long ago. I know that once I come out on the other side it will be better. But in the middle, well it just sucks. I just pray that the new memory does not come when Lance is away, or when I am away on my business trips. I pray that I will lean on God and not isolate myself. I pray that I can grow through this. I pray to get through one more day with my students. And I pray for my healer to touch me, wrap his arms around me, and walk me through the valley I must go through.