Walking Through the Valley

Once again, I find myself walking through the valley of fear, loss of trust, and pain. It is ironic because I will be teaching on fear next week. Strange how God works that out isn't it? Anyway, although I fear knowing the new memory, I know that once I get through the other side, it will be better. No matter how bad the memory is - and I am prepared for it to be bad, the ones that have surfaced after so many years always are - the unknown is worse. I used to lay in my bed in total and paralyzing fear after a nightmare or a glimpse of the past. Now, I get the glimpse, and although I am fearful, I pray and ask Jesus to help me through. I ask Him to help me know what it is I need to know. And most importantly, I ask Him to walk beside me through the valley. Even though I do not know the details of what the next few days/weeks will bring, I do know that Jesus will be there beside me as I delve into the muck of my past.

Last night at church, I shared with my group some of what I have been going through this week. I couldn't believe I shared, I am usually super private about personal pain. I think God is preparing me to be open about the abuse. How else will I be able to get my book published? But it was super hard. I was crying and trying not to just lose it. I was really on the verge of just totally breaking down, but I really felt like I needed to keep some control. Was that me and my control issues, or was that God saying, "It's okay to share just a part?" Anyway, I was crying and shaking so badly I could hardly talk. I hate when my memories, and talking about my memories, effects me that way. It is uncomfortable and painful and horrible. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the feeling that I am three years old again being used for someones evil desires. Because that is where the memories put me - back in tree house, in a tub, in a bed, being used and then discarded. It is a horrible place to be. I know some people have talked about how it gets easier. It seems like since I actually allowed myself to feel these things, the new memories do not get any easier. How I cope with them is better because I know God is with me and so I feel loved and protected in the present. But my body and my emotions seem to be reliving the pain. Sigh.

Through all this, I wonder how I will face the next several years of digging into counseling. Has my life up to this point prepared me to deal with all of the triggers that will come up? Will I be effective as a counselor? Will I be able to use my pain to help someone who is hurting? Right now, when I am mired in my own stuff, I don't see how I can help anyone. What if someone tells me something that triggers a memory for me? Will I shake and throw up like I do when the body memories come back so strongly? What I am feeling, a little bit, is run away, you can't do this. I know that is Satan. He does not want me to use my pain to help others. He does not want me to walk this road. He tells me it is too scary. There is too much to fear. But I will listen to the voice of truth. I will trust in God and I will not be afraid. The voice of truth tells me I can do this, this is the right path, and God has great things in store if I trust and obey.

So with a still heavy and somewhat fearful heart, I will move forward through this day and the next and the next. When the memory comes fully, God will be with me and I will be in pain. But I will not be alone. That is all that matters in the big picture anyway.