Triggers

I had briefly heard on the news about the little girl who was molested and someone found a recording. But last night I saw the story. They arrested the guy. The girl was three when it happened. That triggered something for me because I was three the first time I remember being molested. My heart went out to the little girl. So often, I have hardened myself when I hear news stories. It is the only way to function it seems. It breaks my heart so badly that if I didn't tune out the stories I would be a mess. But this one touched home in a big way. My visceral reaction was that I wanted to kill the ... I wanted to rip his eyeballs out of his head. I wanted to rant and rave in his face about the pain she will have to go through the rest of her life because of his selfish and evil desires. That particular evil breaks my heart as it must break the heart of God. But I don't think I react in a very godly way. In the moment, I want revenge for her hurt, and for my hurt. I still can't see that God could love someone like that. It is really a good thing that I am not God.

Last night, when I was trying to go to sleep, the picture from the news came into my head. Since I just really dug into the memories from my first experience last year, I guess it is still pretty fresh. I remember the horror and confusion of that event as if it just happened. The fact that she was three must have been what triggered the storm of emotions for me. To make matters worse, there was a storm last night. I have been terrified of storms for as long as I can remember. But there is one instance where I remember being on the porch watching a storm. I was not scared, but fascinated with all of the colors in the clouds and the way the lightening danced across the sky. The way my body reacts to storms now lets me know that something bad happened during a storm. I had a glimpse last night of that memory. All I wanted to do was push it away because it seemed too much on top of my emotions about the little girl. I prayed, asking God not now. He honored my prayer. I have only the one glimpse, but I know there is more to come. From the hard work I went through last year, and reliving those moments of horror and pain, I know this will probably be the same. The worst memories are the last to surface. However, it is a necessary path to freedom from my past. God was with me every step of the way on my journey of healing and he was with me last night. I asked him to just let me be vulnerable and open to trust at that moment. I let me husband hold me while I tried to sleep. Every time I woke up, my husband reached out to touch me, letting me know he was there. That was something I really needed last night.

So now, I must face the day, with sadness in my heart and a new memory on its way. Yet at the same time, I must be present for my family and my job. Lord, help me through this day. Be present with me as I walk this valley. Hold me as I face this new memory. And God, help me to see evil as you see it. Something to be hated, but not hating the person.