Nightmares, again.

The journey to heal from childhood abuse is so long, so exhausting at times. I am thankful for the people who have helped me along the way, thankful that I have a God who holds me in the darkest moments, those moments when I am surrounded by pain from the past, tormented by shadows, while tears slip silently to the pillow.

Another sleepless night... a heavy heart...
Pure, raw expression of where I am right now.

To sleep: perchance to dream...

But then again, maybe not

To sleep is to be chased by glimpses of the past

that crash into my present
violently wrenching away the hope of a restful night

I wonder if I ever slept with abandon

knowing I was safely tucked in where no harm would befall me
and no monsters lurked in the bedroom

Being jolted awake by hands that wandered where they never should have

or ripped out of bed to appease a selfish desire
sleep was never the stuff dreams are made of

More like the stuff nightmares are made of

nightmares that refused to remain hidden below the surface
clawing their way out from the recesses of my psyche, refusing to be ignored

Haunted by whispers, pain that doesn't end

wondering what's around the corner, behind the whispers
beside the bed...

Whispers that keep me awake

set me on edge
hyper aware of my surroundings, surrounded by shadows

Exhausted... tired of fighting the battle

ready to give in to the demons that call my name
just reveal yourself already

Then I can fight you —

but you know that
and you hold me captive... waiting... anticipating

 Your next move

So tired of you invading my life

so tired of you controlling my sleep
so tired of you weighing me down

I am so ready to defeat you once and for all

to sleep the sleep that is restorative
rather than destructive

When will I finally be done with you

to never hear your whispers again
or see your shadows chasing me

I cannot even imagine what it will be like with you gone

because I do not know a time when you were not here
my unwanted companion

To sleep: perchance to dream...

But then again, maybe not

krt/12-23-2011