In 2008, sitting in church, I distinctively heard God whisper to me "Go back to school." I actually looked to the side to see if my husband had said something to me, but quickly realized that it was God speaking. Honestly, my first reaction was "Are you crazy God? I already have my Masters, why would I go back to school?" But it was a short lived reaction. By the time church was over and my husband and I were driving home, I was ready to explore the idea. So I told my non-believing husband that I heard God tell me to go back to school, anticipating any reaction besides the one I got - acceptance. Wanting to make sure that I wasn't just following my own desires - although I was pretty sure I wasn't - I sought out accountability from people who know me deeply. I asked them to pray for me as I tried to figure out God's will in this prompting.
Back track to my undergrad years, where the original intention was to seek my degree in secondary education/psychology. Sitting in my Psych 101 class, being confronted with my own Pavlovian conditioned response, I ran from psychology as hard as I could while I sought healing from the demons of my childhood. With that knowledge, I was fairly sure that God was leading me back to that original dream, which actually goes back to a 15 year old girl at camp, sharing her heart with another abuse survivor. After many discussions, prayers, and searching for the right program, I started my journey in the Mental Health Counseling Masters Program.
When I started, I only had what God told me, "Go back to school." When I sought the answer for which direction I should go or what I would be doing, all I got was silence. If you know me at all, you know that is disconcerting to say the least. God created me to be a planner. I plan everything. I organize everything. I do not fly by the seat of my pants. I drive those around me crazy with my perpetual planning. I drive myself crazy as I often cannot live up to my self imposed deadlines or standards. And God was asking me to trust him blindly, that He would guide my next steps. Trust - a difficulty commodity for an abuse survivor. But I took those first steps of obedience, not knowing where they would lead.
At the time, I was teaching high school, working for a district that at the very least has some issues. I was miserable. I'd been happy as a teacher in AZ. I had a great set of administrators who lead by example. Obviously, there were things that drove me crazy, but overall, I had left the ideal job to move to NV, where it was not the same at all. I hated my job from the beginning. Everything seemed to be dishonest. There was little to no communication and leading by example simply did not happen. Over the course of my eight years in the district, I was always on the prowl for a new job. But good jobs are hard to come by, especially in a rural area. And... God had a purpose in all of it. He was teaching me things like how to lean on him, to give up control of things I cannot control, and to trust that he has the big picture in mind. I was learning to work with all kinds of people and keep my own self out of it. I was learning that with God, I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.
At the same time, my own coursework in counseling was
bringing up personal demons. I had been doing work on my childhood for many
years, but there is a lot of stuff to sort through. Years of abuse are not
healed in a year or two - and the intensity of personal healing demands some
periods of rest to recover. I dove into my healing with the same intensity I
bring to everything. If God was truly sending me on this journey, I was going
to trust him to bring me through it. A phrase that I held onto in the most
trying times was that God does not only want me to survive, he wants me to
thrive. In the midst of the worst personal times, I could literally see God's
hand, reaching into the dark recesses of my subconscious and cleaning out
things that I never even knew were there. In the worst of it, I knew that I
knew that God was with me. I never once felt abandoned or alone. And that built
trust. Trust to continue on the journey God had asked me to follow.
With an open mind, I waited for God to guide the next steps.
All along this journey of grad school, when God has asked something of me, I
said yes. Somewhere along the road, I had learned obedience... at least in
this. When I got moved from one school to another, God told me to take a
quarter off to give myself time to acclimate to my new surroundings. I
listened. When God told me to get into accountability, I said yes and my girls
have been there for me every step of the way. When God told me to clean up the
messes I made at home by rushing ahead with my own agenda, I did. When God told
me I needed to find balance, I figured it out instead of pushing myself to
unrealistic schedules. I learned to take time for myself and my family. I
learned to communicate better. I learned to listen when God was telling me that
I needed to do more personal work - to not run from the hard stuff. And God has moved in the midst of all of this. God has moved mountains. Over the course of this past year, my husband has been blessed with several unexpected raises. There have been situations in his job where things could have gone horribly wrong. And they have not. Situations where he had no control suddenly seemed to work themselves out. In my own job, the recession has created layoffs every year for the past four years. My job was spared. Recently, we took a huge step of faith. My husband and I decided that I should resign my position with the district. His income would be able to cover most expenses while I focused on finishing up my final year - internships. Again, I have seen God's hand move in that. When I felt like God was telling me I needed to quit my job because there is no way for me to teach and complete my internship hours, I didn't freak out. It's been planned for months and there have been very few moments of fear. When they arise, I just remember how God has moved mountains and met me every step of the way. Finding the internships was filled with ups and downs, but God kept whispering to me, "I got this." (As an English teacher, I find God's sense of phrasing intriguing at times.) Every time something has gone wrong, such as all of the no's because the agency or person was not able to meet the requirements of my program, I would remind myself of that. When I found the perfect site, and it was on the verge of being denied by my program, my friend reminded me of what God has been whispering in my heart, "I got this", and I relaxed and trusted. Within a very short time, I not only found an unsolicited secondary site, but got all of the paperwork done. I've gotten preliminary approval and now both sites are in the process of final approval. Living rural, there aren't a lot of choices for internships. I have found two sites to intern where I will get a great variety of experience - a county agency and a domestic violence group. Both will give me a broad base of knowledge and give me experience in working for an agency. Hopefully, the final approval will come through with no problems, but if it doesn't, I know God has something better for me.
And then on Friday, I got an unsolicited inquiry from a private school inquiring whether I would be interested in talking to them about a job. At first I was inclined to say no, but then I wondered if this was from God. So I emailed back and said, yes, I was interested in speaking with them. Who knows, maybe I will be able to work part time teaching while I complete my internships. If not, God will provide a part time job or maybe even another raise for my husband.
So, I don't have all of the answers yet, but I do have one. God is faithful. When he asks me to do something, he will provide the means to complete it. I still don't know the outcome of this journey. I don't have a plan of where or what my dream job will be. I only know that God will tell me when it is time. And that is something that I trust.
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