Real, raw, uncensored

I am facing huge disappointment right now. I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions the past several months. God is redeeming some parts of me, long hidden away, things I did not even know that God was redeeming.


But on the other side, there are things I’ve been waiting for. Waiting and praying over. Waiting and being hurt. Waiting and shutting down. Waiting and praying again, hoping again. But then the doors have been not only closed, but slammed tight, locked up, throw away the key. Waiting 45 years for this, 29 years for that, 19 years for the other, 8 years for one more.

This poem comes from the disappointed side of me, the side that doesn’t understand and is tired of waiting. The side that is tired of being strong, sucking it up, and moving forward. The side that I keep hidden from the world because I like to keep it positive. But right now, that side is taking a back seat and I am expressing my deep hurt and disappointment that the waiting, for now, is for naught.

I am at a loss, don’t know what to feel or think
try my best, still stuck… still stuck.

Tired of being here/there, tired of a servant’s heart
that gets squished, squashed, smashed – broken.

Don’t understand, don’t know next steps
light is too far away, too far away to see.

This journey, I trust, pray, keep moving forward
daily negatives reinforce; I. am. stuck.

Positives, look for the bright side
yeah, but… so few – so far between.

The scale is piled so high and heavy it’s ready to topple over
in the wrong direction – and its poised to take me down with it.

Look at myself, deeper, no deeper yet,
what is unclean, unwilling within me?

Prayers to find the hidden, to know the purpose
to be molded to God’s perfect will for my life.

But why then is it so hard, why do I feel so cut off,
lost, burned out, hopeless

For we battle not against the forces of this world
Really? ‘Cuz I think I get that one…

Done with that lesson already God.
It’s me down here, waiting for some direction, something to let me know I’m on the right track. Anything? Please?

Just so done. NOTHING left inside to give
running on empty and now I have to push – uphill?

You’re kidding right? No?
Come on! I’m dying here.

Inside, where no one sees but you
do you see how broken I am?

Do you know that I don’t know the next step
or even how I’m going to move my foot?

Do you know that I want to just give up
cry uncle, crawl inside and never come out again?

Do you know how hard it is to trust
keep pushing, keep standing?

I know you know.
I’d just like the emotions to catch up.

‘Cuz right now, even though I know better
I feel lost, alone, empty, hopeless

Emotions conflicting, confused, crashing…
can't think anymore

03/10/2011 / ©krt