To everything there is a season, Ecc 3: 1-8

The past few months have been full to the brim, and sometimes, flowing over the brim, but not in the joyful, overflowing sort of way. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and the wicks have met in the middle – I feel scorched in the secret places of my heart. I have left so much undone in my quest for perfection and just having too much on my plate. Some decisions had to be made for change and so now I embark on the new path God has laid before me.

I am taking a quarter off of school – at least a quarter. The counseling program has been awesome and I have learned so much. Giving up is not in my vocabulary and honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about this. I know that God started me on this path, but I do feel released from it for now. Some problems that have surfaced that I was unaware of when I started have made me rethink the entire thing. The biggest being that clinical internships are unpaid – we are NOT allowed to be paid. As the main bringer home of the proverbial bacon, that is an impossibility in my life right now. The other hurdles are the colloquia, two different 6-day residencies. Getting six days off of school is rather impossible as well. So I am thinking about changing programs and perhaps not pursuing a second masters. I am thinking of just getting certified in school counseling, and then starting again on the Mental Health Counselor program. I could take a sabbatical and get ½ pay and then do the clinicals. If I take a sabbatical, I would have to commit two more years to the district. It is just a thought and I am really unsure of what to do or which direction to turn. I don’t like to quit anything I’ve started so I feel conflicted right now. Prayers would be greatly appreciated.

In my new position as a middle school teacher, I have a big learning curve. In the past, I’ve forged ahead and done whatever I needed to be perfect in my job. I’ve learned so much the past five years and have made a huge effort to not drive myself so hard, not leave my family in the dust, and know that if I don’t do it perfectly it is okay. I understand where my drive for perfection comes from and I understand (finally) that God loves me just as I am. Therefore, I have committed to leave at a reasonable time, be home with my family and quit going in to work on the weekends by November. I should feel prepared with my new curriculum and schedule by then. Quitting school will help me to handle my new work load. But the learning curve is huge and the age difference is huge and right now I am feeling underprepared.

My sweet spot the past year has been my volunteer counseling at church. At this point, that also has to go. There is so much pressure from outside sources. It is often unspoken, but I hear it in the sighs and I feel it when one more thing gets added to the calendar. I have committed to my family first and holding firm to that has not yielded the results I would have hoped for. Nonetheless, God has called me to hold firm to my commitment. All I can do is my part. Other people are responsible for their part and I cannot control how they react to my changes. So for now, my sweet spot also has to give.

I know God has me in on the path of His choosing. Sometimes I wish I could see the end. I hope that the decisions are the right ones. So often I don’t know if the voices that confirm or deny are God or Satan. I try to seek counsel from those I consider wise, but alas, the voices continue to question… Am I doing the right thing? Am I really doing too much? Am I in God’s will? Although I have more peace in my life than I’ve ever had, the journey is sometimes so difficult. I know that I know that I know that God is with me. He has walked me through the dark valleys and held me in the darkest moments of my life. I am in a season where once again the darkness threatens. The nightmares are lurking, the enemy is prowling, and I am holding on to what I know to be true.

Perhaps by stepping back, I will gain clarity. Perhaps I can return the words that so often console me and help me make sense of the chaos. Perhaps God wants me right where I am so he can continue to make the changes he desires to see in me. I will trust in Him and I will not be afraid.