The War Begins, again.

Today in my devotional time, I couldn't even get through anything. I got stuck on the part where I admit my sins to God. Here is what I prayed.

What I admit today is that I do not want to go to the dark places again. I do not want to face my father's ever widening circle of depravity. I do not want to, although I know there is peace on the other side. This, right here, right now, this is the side that is hard, the going through part. The face to face with the past part. Reliving the nightmare in Technicolor part. I want to run and avoid the pain, shove the tears away, lock myself inside myself and hide from the reality of my childhood. But I won't. I will face the pain and I will process the horrors. God, you will be right there with me and you will hold me and comfort me. Knowing that does not make me want to go there, it's still hard. But the option... well, I've been there and it is infinitely worse. So forgive me father for not wanting to and strengthen me for the coming battle.