So I got this unexpected email last Tuesday during my usual 5 am'ish time frame that I sit by myself, have my devotional time and just bask in the quiet of a house asleep. This particular email threw my calm morning into a spin. I anxiously waited through the minutes until my son woke up so I could call my husband. Time to let him handle some of my furiously flying thoughts, or so I hoped. He took the news with typical calmness and we agreed to talk after work. So, I went through my day feeling out of touch and frenzied, wondering if this particular email was in response to a heartfelt, yet frazzled prayer in the bathroom at school the day before. (I know, I pray in strange places. I often pray in the bathroom at work, as well as everywhere else there. You probably would too if you had my particular life.) So, after work, the requisite list was made and an email went out.
Thus began the waiting. I consulted with one very trusted person, then God sent another, then another, unexpectedly for me to share my feelings with. You see, my husband, does not freak out like I do. He does not worry. He does not ponder endlessly. He just waits for facts while my head spins all the what-ifs it possibly can. This drives me crazy because while I am feeling crazy, he is still calm and not worried. This makes me feel as if the whole thing is on my shoulders. It isn't really, but my expectations of his reaction never match reality - thus I am left feeling somewhat alone and overwhelmed. So I close off, which just makes him think I'm mad at him. I'm not really - I'm just trying to protect my vulnerability while I learn to deal with the relationship thing a better way. But I digress.
The reply email led to another that had the phrase "Ever since I spoke with you last year, you have been on my heart." Wow, what does that mean? God, what do you want from me here? I just settle myself around this thing, then something else comes along. What is your will and how exactly do I determine that? So, lots of prayer and talking to people with godly counsel, I am still feeling confused. A phone call was supposed to come this weekend. I spent all day Saturday, doing nothing - waiting. Yesterday, we decided to not sit around the house and went hiking and for a picnic instead. We had a nice time and I didn't even bring my cell phone. I knew I could not complete a conversation without my lists and pen anyway. After we got home and discovered no call, we went on with our day. We watched movies, ate dinner, did laundry - normal Sunday things that have taken on new meaning in the midst of my not knowing. I was hit with a major headache while cooking dinner so I went to bed early. Woke up to the lovely sound of 50mph wind whipping around the house. Got up, made coffee, showered, prayed and asked God for clarity and the ability to not worry - to cast it on him. So now, I still wait for a phone call that may or not clarify things, but will certainly let us have more facts to chew on. After that, some decisions will be made that will certainly have a lasting impact one way or another. I will just try to get through this day, and through one of the busiest weeks of my year without spinning, trying to lean not on my own understanding. Until I hear, until I know, until we decide - I am still waiting...
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