I will bend, but I will not break

I'm in the middle of a journey that is taking everything I have right now. I'm more sensitive to things around me. Comments I hear, FB posts I read, an odor of cigarettes and whiskey wafting by me in the meat section of Costco, a glimpse of a memory - they all bring the prick of pain, the prick of remembering, the prick of loss to my heart. The tears come unbidden and refuse to stay put, even in front of strangers. And then there is the pity when I express a tiny bit of my story. And everything inside of me screams Do not pity me! I don't want pity. I'm stronger than that. What I will take is understanding of how hard this journey is. And compassion. But that's a tricky one because I often mistake compassion for pity. And pity just pisses me off and sends me into defense mode. I am learning not to let people's misguided words effect me so much. After all, how do you respond to something that is so counter to basic human decency? We don't have words for those kind of wounds. We don't often acknowledge those things - at least not out loud. We don't usually see a face full of tears and a heart full of sorrow attached to the words. We hear them on the TV and think, "Oh, that is awful." But when we come face to face with it - well, most people are at a loss of what to say and do. So I try to give them grace because they don't know better. And they are trying to show compassion. They just don't know how.

And in the midst of my pain, when the tears overflow and come unbidden because of a sight, a smell, a sound, I am reminded of how far I've come and of how strong I am. And I know that strength is not of my doing. Yesterday, doing homework on trauma and abuse and listening to my soundtrack playlist, the song "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" by Cher came on. And the tears flowed. And I hit repeat too many times to count. And something that has been dormant rose to the top. And I remembered that I am braver than I believe, and stronger than I seem.

Pushed Beyond the Breaking Point

 

I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

pushed down to my knees and left for dead
buried under a mountain of memories
smothered under pillows and lies
barely able to breathe

But there is something strong inside of me

a spirit that claws her way up and out
clutching at the river bank as the flood water rushes over my head
nails pulled away and bloody
full of dirt and muck
but not defeated

I've been down this road before

I see the pain that obscures the path
and I know how it feels to be shoved face first in the dirt
I hear the laughter of my enemies as they gloat over my condition
thinking I'm helpless, that I'll give up
I may be down
but I'll get up again

It may take time to crawl on my belly

bloody and bruised beyond recognition
I may feel like giving up, giving in
When I think I can no longer stand, I will stand firm
in the knowledge that there is something strong in me
that has clawed her way out of this before

One time too many, many times I thought

this has got to be it, has to be all there is
Times when the memories flood over and turn the world black
pushed to the point of breaking, down to my knees
where the strong pushes back
a pinprick of light to follow
a hope I want to crush in my exhaustion
hope I don't trust
but it won't die, it won't let me give up

When the wounds are unseen

when the losses are not acknowledged
when the questions come hard and fast
when there is no answer to the whys that crash upon each other
when there is no reason for hope
it is paradoxically present

How do I stand my ground

when it shakes apart beneath my feet
when I am clutching nothing but air for a hand hold
what is it that searches to find an imperceptible rock to hold
where does the strength come from to get up once again

It is not anything that I did

it's something that has always been present
planted within my soul before I was fully formed
given because it was known that would be needed
needed to survive
needed to stand again

Looking back down that long road

I see the times I was pushed to my knees
I see the struggle with things unseen
and those who refused to see the gaping wounds
tried to keep me down
tried to discount, dismiss, deny

I may have been brought to my knees

I may have been pushed past the point of breaking
but I never stayed down because
I was built tough
built with a strength to withstand adversity

This girl will bend to the ground

but she will not break
because she is planted by the water
nurtured by the soils made rich by the flood waters
with roots that are nourished by hope and love and truth

And this girl will not be broken

she will use the pain to bring light to darkness
beauty from ashes
hope for the hopeless
peace in the storm
love to the unloved
she will turn tragedy into triumph

She will share her hope with those who have been

pushed way past the point of breaking

© krt / 1/20/2013