When Worlds Collide

The time slips by so quickly as the busyness of grad school and internship intersects with living life in the midst of everything that must be done. The months of having so much to say, but no time to say it are evident as I look at the date of the last post. So much has happened, so much to say, so very much learned, and so very much more yet to discover.

Words came unbidden last night. They fought for release in my disturbed dreams, denying deep and refreshing sleep. They rose to the surface at 4am and demanded full attention.

When Worlds Collide

 

I feel it coming, hanging in the air

seems like all directions point strait to it
I can almost smell it as it begins to surround me
damp, dark, dank
I want to ignore the onslaught, run far away
when worlds collide
 
I know what this pain means
how deep it penetrates
how overwhelming it feels
how hard it presses down
until I can barely breathe

To admit there is loss is to admit that there is no longer hope

to allow myself to feel the betrayal, the anger, the cacophony of emotion
it means giving up on a reality that should have existed... but never did
it means staring the truth in the face
letting go

And yet... it means so much more

acknowledging this means unlocking a door
opening the floodgates that are beginning to crumble under the weight
wondering if I will drown underneath of the loss that is so closely tied
tied to this pain of letting go of the one thing that hides so many others

The floodwaters destroy everything in their wake

where does that leave me
they reshape the landscape which becomes unrecognizable
what will I lose
they bury that which was exposed
they uncover that which was buried
the floodwaters bury and expose
with no thought of the devastation they leave behind
... behind the devastation, a seed spouts in the now fertile soil

The hope of the seed seems so very distant

and there is the turbulence of the floodwaters to consider
the sheer chaos of the power of the water
that tumbles, tears apart, and brings a tempest of emotion

As I work I can feel its presence

I put it aside, Not now, I'm busy.
But each time I compartmentalize, push it away
it becomes more persistent until it is everywhere I look
and I can no longer ignore the reality that is staring me down

Behind the paper thin separations

it lurks
And not caring that now is not the right time
it begins to leak

The separations between the compartments are fragile

and the despair is razor sharp
it cuts through the carefully constructed floodgates
as the torrent begins, the razor thin cut widens
the separation tears at the seams, rips wide open
years of loss will no longer be kept silent
when worlds collide

The emotional onslaught cannot be controlled

I am tossed in the waters of darkness, despair, denial, destruction, defeat
Sludge closes over my head, clogs my nose, presses against my chest with the weight
of years that have been held back

The years that have been held back hide much

the flood waters expose something long buried beneath the weight of the sludge
it is raw, naked, vulnerable, exposed
scoured by the powers of the turbulent tumbling waters

And you are asking me to no longer repair the leaks

push back or build stronger floodgates
You are asking me to not only let the water rip apart the separations
but to dive into the midst of the chaos
when I have barely crawled out from underneath the last onslaught
Knowing what I know... understanding the pain that awaits
with no resistance,  allowing myself to be carried where the current takes me

As I sit with one wounded

she pours out her story of darkness, despair, denial, destruction, defeat
of grief long buried, never dealt with
reality denied, tossed aside
thinly veiled separations beginning to leak
She looks at me with tears in her eyes,
a tenuous trust in the words that tumble unbidden from my mouth
I want you to look at your unresolved grief.
As I name each instance, shared over months
the look of terror grows
fear of facing the grief so strong we both feel it
pressing down on us in that room
a thick, cloying, decaying, putrid mess that must be cleaned to move forward
And I hear God whisper to my heart
Will you walk the same path?
When worlds collide

© krt / 1-12-13