Processing

• How do you relate the horror of reliving the memories that have been long repressed, repressed for a reason?
• How do you process those memories and at the same time continue to go about your daily life?
• How do you move forward while moving through?

What I want is to just crawl inside myself and hide away from the world. I want the Technicolor visions to go away. I don’t want to remember any more of this particular horror. I’ve seen enough. I’m done. I’m done with the body memories that won’t let me sleep, that hurt so bad I can barely walk. I’m done with the tears and I’m done with the battle. But I can’t be done. The only way out is through. Through the details, through the body memories, through the pain.

God, help me to move forward in this. Right now I feel stuck and overwhelmed with the new memory. I hurt in places I should not hurt and you are the only one who truly knows my pain. You are the only one that can see deep inside to the broken places. You are the only one who knows what it feels like to be ripped and bleeding and battered. You see the mask I put on to protect myself. You see the effort it takes to just move through the day without giving myself over to despair. You see the wanting to just go to sleep forever. You see the little girl lost and your heart knits with mine in brokenness. You meet me and show me how you protected me. You comfort me in the midst of the memory. Comfort me now God. Help me work through this. Heal the inside parts God, where no one but you can see. Cleanse me and purify me God. Walk with me through the pain. I will trust that you are there. Help my unbelief God.