Protector

God and I have made it through the week. There have been moments of heaviness, when the body memories intrude, but the heaviness is starting to lift. I think I am through the worst part of the remembering this particular memory. In the midst of the horror, God has been faithful. I have several visions to get me through. One I will share, the other is private, between God and I.

While working the body memories, it became overwhelmingly clear why I was affected in the certain area of my body. I really can't believe the level my father went to to cover over his sin. But even so, I am still left with compassion toward him, which is in itself a miracle. After experiencing the memory I kept waiting for the hatred to come back, but it has not. For that I am thankful. I was able to tell my father what I could not tell him at the time and in a sense, regain my voice. After my counselor and I went through the memory, we were praying, asking God if there was anything else he wanted to show us. Everything felt just quiet, although I was still really shaky. Then God gave me a very clear vision to take away the horror of what I had just remembered. I found myself in bed with my big brother Michael. He had his arm around me and was stroking my hair. I stopped shaking and just felt protected. God gave me protection in the midst of my childhood and that vision was a confirmation of why I have always so fiercely loved my brother. As far as I know, Michael never came to know God before he died. That breaks my heart. I know that God is just and I trust that. I am thankful that I did have someone who gave me unconditional love and protected me as much as he was able. I am thankful I was left with a vision of being loved.