I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately - really working on forgiving those involved in my abuse. I understand now that blanket forgiveness is not going to work. So I am walking a journey of trying to grieve what I have lost as well as go through the forgiveness process. It has been a pain filled journey, but I am experiencing growth.
Last week, reading my Life Recovery Devotional, I came across these words. The bible reference is Romans 13:8-10, part of which says, "If you love your neighbor as much as you love yourself you will not want to harm or cheat or kill him or steal from him." The ending paragraph states, "At first glance we may conclude from this passage that anyone who practices the evils warned against in the Ten Commandments couldn't have love for others. But it may actually show us that when we hurt the ones we love, maybe we are loving them the way we love ourselves--very poorly."
This thought really struck me and I asked God to help me dwell on it over the next few days. I have heard from a lot of people that maybe my mother loved me as much as she was able. (I won't even try to wrap this thought around my father yet.) I could accept that she loved me as much as she was able, but I was really angry that it wasn't more or better. But what if she loves me the way she loves herself? That puts it in a whole new perspective. Yes, she is selfish and she made some major errors in judgement. But what if the way she treated me is the way she would treat herself? I know that she would not understand these thoughts as she thinks she is perfectly fine. She is blinded in her perception of right and wrong, black and white, so many things. If she loves herself the way she loved me, then I am offered no other choice than to grieve for her. The way that I was shown love has left me searching for my value and learning that I really do have worth. That is a concept she does not understand. It makes me sorry for her, in a more compassionate way than I was before. I used to just feel sorry for her that she had locked herself so completely away in falsehoods. Now I feel sorrow that she knows no love at all. It is a lot to ponder, and I am sure I will be unpacking this concept for quite some time. I do think it will help with the forgiveness aspect of my relationship with her.
1 comment:
That was quite deep, dearest.
But I think you are on to something! Good luck processing all of that; just chew on it awhile and allow the Spirit to guide you in understanding. Where is that verse that God will give us wisdom if we ask for it?
I think I can apply this concept to numerous people in my life, but it will be something I grapple with for a while, too.
Love you! You've come a long way, baby!
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