It is enough...

This summer has been unusual for me in many respects. For one thing, I usually write in the summer, a lot. I haven’t been writing, but rather reading what others have written. More like devouring than reading actually. I have been seeping myself in the words of others and allowing myself to just feel the myriad emotions of each story. I’ve been reading both fiction and non-fiction and looking for clues into myself and trying to refine my own writing through reading well written and not so well written material. I have been refreshed and inspired by the words. They have ministered to my soul.


Secondly, I usually have a huge agenda of stuff I want to complete during the summer and I always push myself to finish everything on that list. I have my list, but I have not been going after it with a vengeance. I’ve crossed several things off of the list, but I’m not stressing over the things that remain. The few times that I’ve started to feel that need to check things off, that still small voice reminds me to do what is important for now. The list is just that, a list… nothing life changing or imperative. It will wait.

This is the summer I decided to take care of me. I’m tired of waiting for the elusive “when life gets less busy” to change my habits. I started an exercise class and have been enjoying every minute of it. I feel my body responding by becoming less stressed. I’m letting out all of the yuck with every exercise session. I’m letting in the healing power by taking care of the temple that God provided me. I’m learning that if I don’t take care of myself, I won’t be able to take care of others well.

I am cleaning out the rooms in the innermost parts of my being. Those rooms that have had the door shut tight, the curtains drawn, the layers upon layers of dust laying deep on the surface, the rooms where the secrets take root and grow in the fertile soil of darkness. The door is unlocked, the curtains are drawn, the light of God is shining into the dark recesses and slowly, I am pulling out the secrets and the lies that have choked off the light to other areas of my life. The light is coming into those dark places and bringing healing and peace. The cleaning has been grueling. Years of neglect have left their mark. Footprints in the dust are not easily wiped away. I’ve had to invite friends in to help me clean out the muck. Sometimes, I think something has been thoroughly cleansed, only to find that I forgot to clean underneath of something lying on a shelf. So I must re-enter the room, pick up the item and clean under it. Often, the item needs to be thrown into the fire of forgiveness in order to bring true cleansing to that room. Each secret, each lie, each new memory brings a new depth of despair, but despair tinged with hope that God will again see me through. It brings hope that the deeper and darker I wander into the dark recesses, the less work there is to do. There aren’t many rooms left, the light is permeating into the cracks and crevices and revealing the work left to be done. I have friends that are more than willing to get dirty with me, to help me wash every surface, to push me on when I am tired and celebrate the shiny new surfaces that each cleaning session reveals.

Summer is for rest, rejuvenation and relaxation. Those things that seem so natural have not been natural for me. I can’t remember a time when I truly relaxed or was not on my guard. God is healing that as well. We went on vacation and I was truly present in the moment and enjoyed every bit of our trip. I didn’t think about what had to be done when we got home. I didn’t worry about things left undone. I just noticed the beauty of God’s creation. I wrapped myself up in my family and felt like I was right where I needed to be. That feeling has not left me. It is new and different and sometimes hard to get used to. I’ve worked, performed, tried to be more than enough for so long that just being is a strange sensation. Good, but strange nonetheless.

God has been preparing me for something down the road. Everything up to this point is leading me where He wants me to be. I have a glimpse of the path; I don’t know the end result. And right now, that is enough.