Aching with God's mercy

The past several weeks have been difficult on so many levels. I have so much "stuff" I am dealing with right now that I am just simply exhausted. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out until life does not hurt anymore. However, that is an impossibility, so in the hard stuff, I lean in to God and feel him wrap me in his loving care.

Things that are hard right now:

• Not hearing from the person that put our world on spin cycle, and being stuck in limbo...
• Getting ready for a new master's program in counseling, but nothing is going easy - financial aid, application problems, registration problems...
• Work stuff...
• Car stuff...

And then there is this thing that is new for me - the spiritual gift of mercy. I did not know what this gift was or even that I had it until I was explaining some things to my biblical counseling teacher. So the definition of this gift is: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to feel genuine empathy and compassion for individuals (both Christian and non-Christian) who suffer from distressing physical, mental, or emotional problems, and to translate that compassion into cheerfully done deeds which reflect Christ’s love and alleviate the suffering." This year has been a horrible year for deaths in and around my school district. Although I was not personally related to any of the people that died, my heart felt as if it were breaking. I cry and feel so much pain for the families - so I just pray, asking God to help them where they are and to show them His love through their pain. I didn't know there was a name for what I was going through, I only knew it was super hard. Sometimes, the pain would come on so suddenly, out of nowhere, but I knew that was when God needed me to pray. So, I did. Our school community just experienced another death and this one hit me especially hard because of the injustice of the whole thing. In explaining my feelings, I learned about this gift God has given me. Less than a week later, I learned of another death, this one hitting close to home. This one has been so hard for me because I understand the pain the person felt and I pray that she is at peace now. This is the one that makes me feel like I just want the world to stop. It tears my heart out and I ache with pain for the family, for myself, and mostly for her because she didn't get to experience the peace I know exists in God. She never found freedom from the pain that haunted her. She is with God now and she can finally have the peace and the love that she deserved but never received. But it still hurts like - I don't know - indescribable. This gift God has given me, it hurts. I wonder why he gave it to me, why he thinks I am worthy to feel the suffering of others. I wouldn't want to say to God, "I don't want this gift, it hurts too much, take it back." But it does hurt, in a deep down, no words, no description kind of way. The only thing to do is to bring it to God, minute by minute if I have to. I do know that I can run to him and he will be there, with open arms. No one will ever convince me otherwise. I have felt his presence. I know his peace. In seeking support tonight for my hurting self, I went to STEP. The song they sang at worship was The More I Seek You. It was so right for my hurting heart tonight. I'll wrap up with the comfort I found in these words.

The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You
I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe, feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep, it's more that I can stand
I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming