The Road to Forgiving

Forgiveness is such a hard term to understand, to wrap our heads around. At least for me. If someone hurts my feelings, then just tell them, I forgive you. But for the big things in my life, not so easy...

It seems that everything around me lately has had to do with forgiveness. My class, the teachings at church, even my online devotional this morning. Funny how it works that way, huh? About a month ago, God showed me that the reason my bitterness, anger, hurt, pain - all of the yucky stuff - keeps coming back about my father is because I offered him blanket forgiveness. I would say to God, I forgive my dad for abusing me. That is not enough. I need to be specific. Ouch. That was right in the middle of feeling like new memories were coming. All of the sermons and things about forgiveness have just reinforced that is what I need to do. So I made an appointment with my counselor to talk about the new memories and since I didn't have anything concrete yet, just body memories, I decided it would be good to have someone walk me through the forgiveness process. The first thing I did was to make a four-page list of all of the things I needed to forgive him for. The list was very specific and it was HARD to write all that stuff down. I tried to write down things that affected me then, like he stole my childhood, to things that affect me now, like it is hard for me to have relationships. I am sure there is more that will go on that list, but it is pretty overwhelming already. I had been praying about the list and about forgiving my father for the specifics. When I got into my counseling session, I read my list to her. Just reading the things made me cry with the enormity of what he did to me. My mother's unintentional complicity in the whole thing is wrapped up in there somewhere as well, but that is way to much to deal with right now. Anyway, after I read the list, she asked me which one I wanted to work on today. I felt God telling me all week it had to be the tree house. As I looked at that particular item on my list, I seized up. I looked at her and said, I can't do this. I think that surprised me. I was full on intending to forgive my father. I know it is not how I feel, but an act of obedience to what I know is right.

She asked me what was stopping me, what was getting in the way. We talked for a few minutes and then I uttered words I had never given voice to, I am abuse. Wow, where did that come from? Both of us sat back in our chairs and took a breath. That was a huge statement and I think we both realized the impact of it as soon as I said it.

The question I have been wrestling with since then is who am I inside, inside where God fearfully and wonderfully created me? Since the abuse started so early in my life, and my whole identity was formed in that environment, is there someone inside of me that is longing to come out, but does not know how? Or will I be the same me, with the same empathy for people, the same curiosity about life, the same insatiable desire to learn? Will I still be me? Who is in there, underneath the abuse? I know it may sound crazy, but my whole life has been spent hiding from the effects of the abuse and not letting people see the real me. Now that I have started to show myself honestly to some people, and they don't run in horror, it may be easier to find that person inside. Sometimes, I feel very young and vulnerable. Other times, I feel confident enough to face the day. I wonder if that little child got stuck and when in unfamiliar situations she comes out? I wonder if I will like who is deep inside, the person who is not identified by abuse? It is a scary thing to me. I do know that it was a huge breakthrough and even though it sucks right now, the other side will be better. I know that I will find freedom from my demons. I don't know what freedom will look like, taste like, smell like, sound like, or feel like... but I know that is what God wants for me and I know it will be better than living in unforgiveness.

So for now, I deal with the fact that I identify myself as abuse instead of the child God created for a purpose. I work on the unforgiveness I hold on to. I trust God to help me find myself, the self He created. And I reach out to those that have chosen to walk the road with me when I am drowning and I need help.